I thought I was doing something right, for once...

Anxiety Princess · Dec 16, 2019 at 09:36 PM

I thought I was doing something right for once, but apparently, I wasn't. He asked me to download some software off of the internet, but got angry with me for using my debit card to sign up for the free 30 day trial because he doesn't want to be charged for it. I explained to him that I researched it for hours, and without the software being preinstalled on a computer, the 30 free trial requires a payment method, but he insists that he can find a link that will allow the download without payment information needing to be given.

I really did research it for hours, and I really couldn't find a link that would allow a download without payment. In the course of a less than five minute phone call he's already managed to tell me that I have no common sense. He said we'll talk about this when he gets home, so now I'm going to be picked apart for hours.

I can't take much more at all and I don't know what to do.

Dec 17, 2019 at 06:01 AM

usually with these 3 trials, they only charge you after the 30 days are up, and you also have the option to cancel during the trial

could an option be to use what you need the software for while the trial is on, and then remove it before you get charged?

I'm sure their must be many alternatives. these days their's loads of software programmes for everything

take sound editing: you have like 6 or 7 programmes that do the exact same thing.

Dec 17, 2019 at 06:04 AM

try not to worry about it

just explain why you are doing it, and that it will benifit him because he'll get to do what he needs to do

winter4me · Dec 17, 2019 at 07:53 AM

You did what he asked and do not deserve to be criticized for it---many downloads require billing information---and you cancel before the end of the trial. If he can do better, let him show you how. (((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))) If this is a pattern (ask you to do something then complain about how you do it..).stop doing for him.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 17, 2019 at 07:51 PM

I already explained to him that I wouldn't be charged during the trial period, but he still wasn't happy and continued to berate and belittle me when he got home. I told him that I need some personal care hygiene items, and that's my fault because I'm using them improperly and they should last longer. We haven't purchased them in at least two months!!

@winter4me I cannot refuse to do it; I'm afraid to find out what would happen if I did something like that.

Hopefully he's in a better mood tonight.

winter4me · Dec 20, 2019 at 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anxiety Princess

I already explained to him that I wouldn't be charged during the trial period, but he still wasn't happy and continued to berate and belittle me when he got home. I told him that I need some personal care hygiene items, and that's my fault because I'm using them improperly and they should last longer. We haven't purchased them in at least two months!!

@winter4me I cannot refuse to do it; I'm afraid to find out what would happen if I did something like that.

Hopefully he's in a better mood tonight.

Now I am frightened for you. You need a safe place to go---at least a safe person to talk with. Do you have any of your own resources?

Open Eyes · Dec 20, 2019 at 04:10 PM

Anxiety Princess, when you are involved with a toxic and abusive person, they don't allow you to FEEL you have any power to do anything right. They WANT you to be totally dependent and they constantly attack your sense of self worth and self esteem.

Fuzzybear · Dec 20, 2019 at 08:56 PM

In addition to the abuser constantly telling you how ''useless'' etc you are... at some point, if not repeatedly, he will also tell you how ''not endearing'' and even what a ''terrible, abusive person'' you are... I hope you can leave this individual before he pulls you down even further from your ''potential'' and the right to a happy healthy life and Healthy Boundaries.

Fuzzybear · Dec 20, 2019 at 09:03 PM

PS I do not think that its appropriate that the abuser ''benefits'' from anything you do or say. He is poison...

Anxiety Princess · Dec 21, 2019 at 04:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winter4me

Now I am frightened for you. You need a safe place to go---at least a safe person to talk with. Do you have any of your own resources?

@winter4me No, not at the moment, as I am not allowed to work or leave the house without his permission and either him or one of his "contacts" escorting me. There are 37 cameras on the exterior of the house, so he will know if I go outside. Most of my close family recently passed away, and when we married I moved to another state. I don't even know the neighbors and am only permitted to speak to them if he is present.

I recently called a domestic violence hotline and they connected me with a hotline serving my county and the surrounding counties, but all of the shelters are full. I am trying, but have been waiting nearly two weeks and nothing has opened. Honestly, I'm terrified.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 21, 2019 at 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Anxiety Princess, when you are involved with a toxic and abusive person, they don't allow you to FEEL you have any power to do anything right. They WANT you to be totally dependent and they constantly attack your sense of self worth and self esteem.

@Open Eyes This is what has happened. I notice how little confidence I have. I notice how I am afraid to do anything without him right beside me, for fear that I'll do it wrong and anger him. I cannot read his mind, so even though he tells me that he wants "x", I do that, and then he's angry because he changed his mind and now wants "y". He also claims that he never told me that he wanted "x" (he did tell me that), he was just using that as an example and I'm stupid for thinking otherwise.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 21, 2019 at 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

In addition to the abuser constantly telling you how ''useless'' etc you are... at some point, if not repeatedly, he will also tell you how ''not endearing'' and even what a ''terrible, abusive person'' you are... I hope you can leave this individual before he pulls you down even further from your ''potential'' and the right to a happy healthy life and Healthy Boundaries.

Thanks Fuzzybear, I hope so too.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 21, 2019 at 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

PS I do not think that its appropriate that the abuser ''benefits'' from anything you do or say. He is poison...

I agree with that, but right now I don't have much choice other than to do as he says to remain safe. I am hopeful that things will change soon, but until a bed at a domestic violence shelter opens, I don't have an option.

downandlonely · Dec 21, 2019 at 02:48 PM

I hope you can get away soon.

winter4me · Dec 22, 2019 at 08:52 AM

Sounds to me like you could call the police (or walk in) and tell them you are being held against your will and need emergency placement somewhere safe.
Otherwise, keep contact with shelters etal and GET OUT asap.
What you describe is beyond abuse.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 23, 2019 at 02:27 AM

Thanks @winter4me ,

I'm afraid to do that because I am not sure what he would do if I left without permission or if he saw the police pull up here (abuser works in a separate part of the building we live in), especially if they are men (most officers are men), if there is no way that they can place me somewhere for the time being. If I were to go to or call the police and they couldn't get me an emergency placement, I'd really be in trouble. My mind literally cannot even imagine what he'd do,

winter4me · Dec 23, 2019 at 09:36 AM

We? Is this a human trafficking situation?
At least contact National Domestic Violence Hotline by phone or online. (online may be easier for you) phone number is 1-800-799-7233
If you are actually being held captive, forget the locals, call the FBI. Not joking.
And keep contact with the shelters so you can go when there is room.

winter4me · Dec 23, 2019 at 11:03 AM

Also, I do see now that you have contacted Hotline in past, and 20hrs away is OK. Probably better than nearby as you are far less likely to be found. Who is "we"?
Better to be afraid and leaving than staying and waiting for more/worse.

Buffy01 · Dec 23, 2019 at 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anxiety Princess

I thought I was doing something right for once, but apparently, I wasn't. He asked me to download some software off of the internet, but got angry with me for using my debit card to sign up for the free 30 day trial because he doesn't want to be charged for it. I explained to him that I researched it for hours, and without the software being preinstalled on a computer, the 30 free trial requires a payment method, but he insists that he can find a link that will allow the download without payment information needing to be given.

I really did research it for hours, and I really couldn't find a link that would allow a download without payment. In the course of a less than five minute phone call he's already managed to tell me that I have no common sense. He said we'll talk about this when he gets home, so now I'm going to be picked apart for hours.

I can't take much more at all and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry that you were treated this way. You didn't deserve to be treated this way.

Anxiety Princess · Dec 24, 2019 at 04:51 PM

@winter4me When I say "where "we" live", I meant "we" as in me and my husband (abuser). I apologize for not making myself more clear. I have been calling the local shelter hotline daily. They do a bed check at 7am and 3pm but I cannot call in the morning as my abuser is still home, so I call daily in the afternoon. As of now, all shelters remain full. I am just calling the local shelters to have someplace to go until a move to a shelter further away can be arranged. I agree with you, that staying in the area could likely be dangerous, so I am not looking to stay in this area for long.

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Anonymous32451 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 17, 2019 at 06:04 AM #3 try not to worry about it just explain why you are doing it, and that it will benifit him because he'll get to do what he needs to do
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,108 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Dec 20, 2019 at 04:10 PM #7 Anxiety Princess, when you are involved with a toxic and abusive person, they don't allow you to FEEL you have any power to do anything right. They WANT you to be totally dependent and they constantly attack your sense of self worth and self esteem.
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,325 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Dec 20, 2019 at 09:03 PM #9 PS I do not think that its appropriate that the abuser ''benefits'' from anything you do or say. He is poison... __________________
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Dec 21, 2019 at 02:48 PM #14 I hope you can get away soon.
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winter4me Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2012 Location: new england Posts: 7,733 11 1,818 hugs given	Dec 22, 2019 at 08:52 AM #15 Sounds to me like you could call the police (or walk in) and tell them you are being held against your will and need emergency placement somewhere safe. Otherwise, keep contact with shelters etal and GET OUT asap. What you describe is beyond abuse. __________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris
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winter4me Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2012 Location: new england Posts: 7,733 11 1,818 hugs given	Dec 23, 2019 at 11:03 AM #18 Also, I do see now that you have contacted Hotline in past, and 20hrs away is OK. Probably better than nearby as you are far less likely to be found. Who is "we"? Better to be afraid and leaving than staying and waiting for more/worse. __________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris
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