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happysobercrafter is AKA Landon Clary Eason
 
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Trig Dec 23, 2019 at 12:37 PM
  #1
Do I Owe You an Apology?
*TRIGGER WARNING*

My goal is to reach the people I abused so I can apologize to them. My bullying goes back to my childhood; I am 62 years old. My victims could be anywhere in the world, so I appreciate any sharing of this!

So, dear reader, If you knew me, chances are I owe you an apology. I bullied and abused innocent people without realizing the harm I caused. The adults responsible for my well-being never taught me how to solve my problems. Saturating me in hatred, they taught me to hate myself and abuse others like they abused me. I learned what I saw every day.

Bullies raise bullies; I am living proof. My family abused me with such ferocity I ended up clinically depressed and burdened with Complex PTSD, plus other mental and physical disabilities. A few years ago, I found out I am learning impaired and have amnesia. I have written what I remember from my childhood and it didn’t even fill three 8 by 11 pages. I locked the rest up in my memory I may never recall.

Sadly, there are millions who relate to what I am writing about because they live it too.

Sober for over 12 years now, I embrace my responsibility to apologize for my atrocious behavior. To be clear, I am not blaming my family for how my life turned out; I include them as a measure of accountability. My six abusers, including my deceased mother, have gotten away with what they did. And I checked; the statutes of limitations have all run out.

Growing up bullied by my family, I understand the truth behind it. It was never about the people I assaulted. Something my innocent victim did or said triggered unresolved issues stuffed deep inside me because my family never allowed me to voice my pain. Instead, they brainwashed me into self-loathing and self-destruction. I spewed that combination at innocent people who never deserved my savage storm.

That behavior came out of nowhere. I remember one neighborhood girl I bullied when we lived in Huntsville, Texas. I remember saying to her what my mother and sisters said to me every day. I made that poor child cry and I remember feeling bad about it. I didn’t know what to do. I thought her behavior justified my talking to her the way I did.

While playing chess online in the early 2000s, I lost a game and messaged an atrocious attack on my opponent. So, he went to the game forum and warned others about me. I found this out from the next player I met. I went looking for the post and read it. It shocked and angered me at the same time. I have a vague recollection of reading his message and dismissing it immediately. I ignored it.

Working on the inherited toxic waste that fueled my mental illness problems dominating my entire life, I slowly realized the damage I caused. To do my best to repair that damage, I worked and continue to work hard to heal to be strong enough emotionally to apologize and find out what my victims need me to do to make it up to them. I waited because I need to be my strongest possible to give it my best.

So, I know I am ready because my most significant achievement has been to eliminate all cravings I had for alcohol and for emotional overeating. My brain is quiet and I can think. I get right to sleep at night with no sleep aids. My brain tires easily, but I am managing much better now. I am happy, sober and productive. My self-esteem is healing nicely. And I have lost 28 pounds since June.

But, back to my topic, there are also people I owe money to. Not being able to work a standard job because of my mental and physical disabilities, I funnel what little energy I have to improve my writing. For example, I enrolled in online courses through St. Louis University in St. Louis, MO in August 2015 and learned a lot there. Flunking out because of my learning disability, I continued to improve my writing on my own. Thankfully, I found writing software that guided me as I continued to learn, plus plenty of websites with grammar and writing articles.

That said, I am determined to present writing people will want to buy because I will get myself out of poverty and off of welfare. I believe money is coming; I am not sure when yet, but I know it is coming. There must be something I can do with what I have learned about addiction and recovery to earn my living, even with my disabilities. I want to live my life as a responsible adult helping others.

Back to my topic, could we know each other?

Here is some additional background on me that might help you remember:

Born on February 1st, 1957, I went to school under Bettina Eason and Alberta Irene Eason. Mother was a university professor and spoke with a heavy Venezuelan accent. I have two older sisters named Annabelle and Melissa. My father’s name was Joseph Kenneth Eason. My parents divorced when I was a toddler; mother got custody of us three daughters. We lived in Little Rock, Arkansas until early 1960s, then moved to Fayetteville, Arkansas. Mother moved us about every two years. I have ideas on why but I don’t know the real reason.

I attended St. Joseph’s Catholic School for the 1st and 2nd grade. I behaved horribly in the second grade by writing a nasty note to my teacher in a classroom book and signed a classmates’ name. That poor child burst into tears when my teacher confronted her. She denied it. My teacher, Sr. Rosetta, did a handwriting analysis, revealing the true culprit.

Me. And, I would give anything if I could go back and change my horrid behavior.

What I remember next is a blurry snapshot of the school principal and my teacher meeting with mother and me. The principal was livid and mother stood in the doorway, silent. Afterwards, we drove home without a word between us. When we got into the house, I expected the beating of my life, but that did not happen. Instead, mother went straight to her room and shut the door. Decades later, I found out why she did not punish me.

One therapist I went to diagnosed mother as a sadistic psychopath with narcissistic tendencies. Part of mother’s con was to blend into the landscape, so to speak. She would not draw attention to problems known to outsiders.

After that, we lived in Wilmington, North Carolina for my 3rd and 4th grade, in the late 1960s. I think I went to a Catholic school, then switched to a public school, maybe. I cannot remember. Two years later, we moved to Huntsville, Texas. That would have been 5th and 6th grade. I went to a public school because there were no catholic schools there. Around 1969, 7th and 8th grade were in Shreveport, LA at Pope Pius the 13th?

Somewhere during that time, my oldest sister left home and that summer, we went to mother’s hometown in Maracaibo, Venezuela to visit her family.

One day while we were there, mother barged into my room and told me I would stay behind to attend a Spanish-speaking boarding school in the Andes Mountains.

I spoke no Spanish.

Meanwhile, Mother and Melissa returned to the states.

When the time to start school started, I stayed with an aunt and uncle I had never met who lived close to the boarding school. Spanish nuns ran the school. The Mother Superior and one student spoke English.

Struggling with culture shock, I stayed in Venezuela for about 8 months. I returned to the states around spring and by that summer, mother moved us to Caracas, Venezuela in 1970 or 1971. That is where I went to high school. I attended three high schools there. I remember the names of two. One was Santa Rosa de Lima and the other was Instituto Politecnico Pestalozzi, where I graduated high school in Spanish.

After that, we moved back to the states, to Little Rock. I went to the University of Arkansas at Little Rock and ended up flunking out. I became Richardson when I got married in the early 1980s. I left my husband after a few years of marriage and moved to St Louis. I lived there for over 30 years. I worked a lot of different jobs. I did some waitressing; I got into optics and some sales jobs. I started calling myself Landon around 1993 when I lived in St. Charles, MO. I worked until I became disabled. I got my name legally changed in 2005 from Alberta Irene Richardson to what it is today, Landon Clary Eason. I now live in SE Missouri.

So, if I owe you anything, please contact me so we can work it out:
eason.landon.clary@gmail.com

And these are my blogs; You can message me from any of these:


LandonClaryBlogs.com


InspireBullyStop.com

MyViciousPsychopathMother

RecoveryinBalance.HOW

God Bless.

Do I Owe You an Apology? *TRIGGER WARNING*

__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

Happy Sober Crafter

Last edited by happysobercrafter; Dec 23, 2019 at 01:14 PM..
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 01:37 PM
  #2
You might find some people thru Classmates.com. thats what i did. I had a few apologies of my own to make. I think you can sign up for 3 months for like fifteen bucks. That or facebook.

Interesting that your mother took you to the old country for high school. At least she recognized that you were not thriving in your home environment. It reminds me of when dr phil sends the teenager to the horse farm, often to take them out of a bad family situation.

I see many similarities in our childhoods. The diagnoses were not ours but our mothers'. My parents used to laugh at me, kinda "look at her!", for acting EXACTLY like they did, harsh and unforgiving, lying. They never saw that i was their reflection. Neither did i, but i see it now all too clearly and too often.
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 01:44 PM
  #3
Hi, @unaluna

Mother did not move us to Venezuela for my benefit. It was some selfish reason of her own; it had nothing to do with me. She was a brutal monster; everything she did was for her.

Thank you for the link. I posted it on Facebook. I'll look into Classmates.

You apologized to people you hurt? AWESOME!!! Good for you, girl!!!

xoxoxoxox

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Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 03:29 PM
  #4
@HappyCrafter not what i meant. I get the feeling from the diagnosis anecdote that this was something she was instructed to do, because she didnt know what to do, or how to take responsibility. Its that feeling of them abdicating responsibility and then shyte rolling downhill that really gets to me.

I will admit, im jealous. I wanted to be sent to an orphanage so bad! All my parents did was tell me i couldnt do stuff because i was a girl, or italian, or just because. I mean normal stuff, not bad stuff. Then later she said if i had "really" wanted to do these things, i would have found a way. Idk. I didnt mean to sound pro-mothers, believe me.
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 03:40 PM
  #5
@unaluna
POSSIBLE TRIGGER---Just to be safe!

Please, tell me why you are jealous. Ok, about mothers, I understand now. Shyte rolling downhill, as in they do what they want and don't care about any consequences?

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Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 06:49 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@unaluna
POSSIBLE TRIGGER---Just to be safe!

Please, tell me why you are jealous. Ok, about mothers, I understand now. Shyte rolling downhill, as in they do what they want and don't care about any consequences?
No, im jealous cuz you got to live away from her for a while. Thats all i wanted.
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 07:02 PM
  #7
@unaluna

I am so sorry to hear this! You don't live with her now, do you?

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You are the only you,
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Reach for YOUR stars.


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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 07:13 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@unaluna

I am so sorry to hear this! You don't live with her now, do you?
No, she daid. @HappyCrafter
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Default Dec 23, 2019 at 07:15 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
No, she daid. @HappyCrafter
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((@unaluna))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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You are the only you,
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Reach for YOUR stars.


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Default Dec 30, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
Do I Owe You an Apology?
*TRIGGER WARNING*

My goal is to reach the people I abused so I can apologize to them. My bullying goes back to my childhood; I am 62 years old. My victims could be anywhere in the world, so I appreciate any sharing of this!

So, dear reader, If you knew me, chances are I owe you an apology. I bullied and abused innocent people without realizing the harm I caused. The adults responsible for my well-being never taught me how to solve my problems. Saturating me in hatred, they taught me to hate myself and abuse others like they abused me. I learned what I saw every day.

Bullies raise bullies; I am living proof. My family abused me with such ferocity I ended up clinically depressed and burdened with Complex PTSD, plus other mental and physical disabilities. A few years ago, I found out I am learning impaired and have amnesia. I have written what I remember from my childhood and it didn’t even fill three 8 by 11 pages. I locked the rest up in my memory I may never recall.

Sadly, there are millions who relate to what I am writing about because they live it too.

Sober for over 12 years now, I embrace my responsibility to apologize for my atrocious behavior. To be clear, I am not blaming my family for how my life turned out; I include them as a measure of accountability. My six abusers, including my deceased mother, have gotten away with what they did. And I checked; the statutes of limitations have all run out.

Growing up bullied by my family, I understand the truth behind it. It was never about the people I assaulted. Something my innocent victim did or said triggered unresolved issues stuffed deep inside me because my family never allowed me to voice my pain. Instead, they brainwashed me into self-loathing and self-destruction. I spewed that combination at innocent people who never deserved my savage storm.

That behavior came out of nowhere. I remember one neighborhood girl I bullied when we lived in Huntsville, Texas. I remember saying to her what my mother and sisters said to me every day. I made that poor child cry and I remember feeling bad about it. I didn’t know what to do. I thought her behavior justified my talking to her the way I did.

While playing chess online in the early 2000s, I lost a game and messaged an atrocious attack on my opponent. So, he went to the game forum and warned others about me. I found this out from the next player I met. I went looking for the post and read it. It shocked and angered me at the same time. I have a vague recollection of reading his message and dismissing it immediately. I ignored it.

Working on the inherited toxic waste that fueled my mental illness problems dominating my entire life, I slowly realized the damage I caused. To do my best to repair that damage, I worked and continue to work hard to heal to be strong enough emotionally to apologize and find out what my victims need me to do to make it up to them. I waited because I need to be my strongest possible to give it my best.

So, I know I am ready because my most significant achievement has been to eliminate all cravings I had for alcohol and for emotional overeating. My brain is quiet and I can think. I get right to sleep at night with no sleep aids. My brain tires easily, but I am managing much better now. I am happy, sober and productive. My self-esteem is healing nicely. And I have lost 28 pounds since June.

But, back to my topic, there are also people I owe money to. Not being able to work a standard job because of my mental and physical disabilities, I funnel what little energy I have to improve my writing. For example, I enrolled in online courses through St. Louis University in St. Louis, MO in August 2015 and learned a lot there. Flunking out because of my learning disability, I continued to improve my writing on my own. Thankfully, I found writing software that guided me as I continued to learn, plus plenty of websites with grammar and writing articles.

That said, I am determined to present writing people will want to buy because I will get myself out of poverty and off of welfare. I believe money is coming; I am not sure when yet, but I know it is coming. There must be something I can do with what I have learned about addiction and recovery to earn my living, even with my disabilities. I want to live my life as a responsible adult helping others.

Back to my topic, could we know each other?

Here is some additional background on me that might help you remember:

Born on February 1st, 1957, I went to school under Bettina Eason and Alberta Irene Eason. Mother was a university professor and spoke with a heavy Venezuelan accent. I have two older sisters named Annabelle and Melissa. My father’s name was Joseph Kenneth Eason. My parents divorced when I was a toddler; mother got custody of us three daughters. We lived in Little Rock, Arkansas until early 1960s, then moved to Fayetteville, Arkansas. Mother moved us about every two years. I have ideas on why but I don’t know the real reason.

I attended St. Joseph’s Catholic School for the 1st and 2nd grade. I behaved horribly in the second grade by writing a nasty note to my teacher in a classroom book and signed a classmates’ name. That poor child burst into tears when my teacher confronted her. She denied it. My teacher, Sr. Rosetta, did a handwriting analysis, revealing the true culprit.

Me. And, I would give anything if I could go back and change my horrid behavior.

What I remember next is a blurry snapshot of the school principal and my teacher meeting with mother and me. The principal was livid and mother stood in the doorway, silent. Afterwards, we drove home without a word between us. When we got into the house, I expected the beating of my life, but that did not happen. Instead, mother went straight to her room and shut the door. Decades later, I found out why she did not punish me.

One therapist I went to diagnosed mother as a sadistic psychopath with narcissistic tendencies. Part of mother’s con was to blend into the landscape, so to speak. She would not draw attention to problems known to outsiders.

After that, we lived in Wilmington, North Carolina for my 3rd and 4th grade, in the late 1960s. I think I went to a Catholic school, then switched to a public school, maybe. I cannot remember. Two years later, we moved to Huntsville, Texas. That would have been 5th and 6th grade. I went to a public school because there were no catholic schools there. Around 1969, 7th and 8th grade were in Shreveport, LA at Pope Pius the 13th?

Somewhere during that time, my oldest sister left home and that summer, we went to mother’s hometown in Maracaibo, Venezuela to visit her family.

One day while we were there, mother barged into my room and told me I would stay behind to attend a Spanish-speaking boarding school in the Andes Mountains.

I spoke no Spanish.

Meanwhile, Mother and Melissa returned to the states.

When the time to start school started, I stayed with an aunt and uncle I had never met who lived close to the boarding school. Spanish nuns ran the school. The Mother Superior and one student spoke English.

Struggling with culture shock, I stayed in Venezuela for about 8 months. I returned to the states around spring and by that summer, mother moved us to Caracas, Venezuela in 1970 or 1971. That is where I went to high school. I attended three high schools there. I remember the names of two. One was Santa Rosa de Lima and the other was Instituto Politecnico Pestalozzi, where I graduated high school in Spanish.

After that, we moved back to the states, to Little Rock. I went to the University of Arkansas at Little Rock and ended up flunking out. I became Richardson when I got married in the early 1980s. I left my husband after a few years of marriage and moved to St Louis. I lived there for over 30 years. I worked a lot of different jobs. I did some waitressing; I got into optics and some sales jobs. I started calling myself Landon around 1993 when I lived in St. Charles, MO. I worked until I became disabled. I got my name legally changed in 2005 from Alberta Irene Richardson to what it is today, Landon Clary Eason. I now live in SE Missouri.

So, if I owe you anything, please contact me so we can work it out:
eason.landon.clary@gmail.com

And these are my blogs; You can message me from any of these:


LandonClaryBlogs.com


InspireBullyStop.com

MyViciousPsychopathMother

RecoveryinBalance.HOW

God Bless.

Do I Owe You an Apology? *TRIGGER WARNING*
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. This is a powerful message about why people bully. This has really help me out in many ways. Thank you for sharing.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Buffy01 View Post
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. This is a powerful message about why people bully. This has really help me out in many ways. Thank you for sharing.
@Buffy01

I thank you for your kind words, but I am sorry you have been bullied.

__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #12
I think it's fine to make amends where possible, but I don't think you have to apologize to everyone you might have hurt all your life.

I also think it's more important to forgive yourself for past behavior. It's hard, and I struggle with this myself. You should be your own best friend. Stop beating yourself up for the past. After all, you can't change it or wish it away.

Go forward not backwards!


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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 10:55 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
@Buffy01

I thank you for your kind words, but I am sorry you have been bullied.
Thank you your words mean a lot to me.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisBloom View Post
I think it's fine to make amends where possible, but I don't think you have to apologize to everyone you might have hurt all your life.

I also think it's more important to forgive yourself for past behavior. It's hard, and I struggle with this myself. You should be your own best friend. Stop beating yourself up for the past. After all, you can't change it or wish it away.

Go forward not backwards!

@IrisBloom

First and with the greatest due respect possible, it is impossible for anyone to know what is going on in me better than I do. The two qualities I work hardest to develop are self-awareness and acceptance.

I stated this in my writing: "Sober for over 12 years now, I embrace my responsibility to apologize for my atrocious behavior.”

Being cruel to anyone mortifies me.

I know making amends is what I need to do because honoring my needs is my responsibility and privilege. It can bring me additional healing and who I owe money or amends to. My position is to respect others and keep my side of the street clean as best I can.

__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

Happy Sober Crafter
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 01:37 PM
  #15
I wonder if anyone you bullied held on to such hurt. Might they have searched you out and told you off, had that been the case?

I was bullied by this girl in elementary school. I thought if I ran into her on facebook or something, I would tell her off, but I never did. I didn’t bother to try to look her up. I wasn’t that hurt that I wanted to go out of my way to confront her.

I’m glad it is helping you in getting your own feelings of guilt off you chest. I hope it’s comforting to you to think that maybe those you bullied didn’t really harbor such bad feelings.

Kids can be cruel. Random people on the internet who ‘troll’ may be not taken to heart so much by their victims for the most part. When it’s really dangerous and threatening, police can be called in and they are dealt with. I don’t think you went that far. You were just letting out your own anger in an unhealthy way. Good for you for stopping.

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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 01:48 PM
  #16
I would be very happy if any of my abusers would have any remorse about what they did. The fact that you feel remorse and have thought about the causes of you abusing them is very commendable. Anyone of them would be very happy about it. I am sure my sister thinks of our fights as her proud moments. Even if you cannot reach them, they would be happy to know you thought about it.
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Default Dec 31, 2019 at 08:07 PM
  #17
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's very courageous. Honestly, I was very moved by your words.

Making amends is, as most will know, an important part of a certain anonymous programme for addicts. I had a friend who was in the programme, and I was stunned by its effectiveness. And one can't pick and choose from programmes like that, I believe. So, making amends clearly works and I think your particular way is really interesting and inspiring.

I have some resistance to fully forgiving bullies. It's easy with you!

Not too long ago, I was in a situation where a bully I no longer worked with tried to become friends with me.

I consider myself a nice and warm-hearted person. But, truthfully, I will always feel ice-cold towards that person. The best I can manage is to spend no time thinking about the years, yes years, of them making my life a misery.

There's something nauseating about having been bullied. It's as though that person has broken our will. Humiliated us in the most sickening ways. So much self-disgust... as we hear our voices tremble... watch our hands shake... the terrible dread infecting every second of the day...

Sorry to seem negative!

I do fully support you in what you're doing.

But being me, I'll always want to give a voice to the bullied.
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Default Jan 01, 2020 at 02:54 PM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abusedbysister View Post
I would be very happy if any of my abusers would have any remorse about what they did. The fact that you feel remorse and have thought about the causes of you abusing them is very commendable. Anyone of them would be very happy about it. I am sure my sister thinks of our fights as her proud moments. Even if you cannot reach them, they would be happy to know you thought about it.
@Abusedbysister

Bless your heart, honey! Thank you for your kind words. I want to correct what I can. I know my chances of reaching everyone is not realistic. Some may have died, or are not reachable.

If it is ok to ask, and if not, I respect your choice, but what is your situation with your sisters? Do you live with them or what?

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Default Jan 01, 2020 at 05:17 PM
  #19
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@Abusedbysister

Bless your heart, honey! Thank you for your kind words. I want to correct what I can. I know my chances of reaching everyone is not realistic. Some may have died, or are not reachable.

If it is ok to ask, and if not, I respect your choice, but what is your situation with your sisters? Do you live with them or what?
Thank you for your message. I do not live with my sister. I am not sure what she would have done to me if we still lived together. I left home after high school to be away from her and her beatings and bullying. She used to beat me up regularly until I was 18. I now live in a different city and only see her at major holiday events and she still bullies me and orders me around. Although we practise with my therapist on how to stand up to her, I am too scared to do it.
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Default Jan 01, 2020 at 05:47 PM
  #20
Ok. I understand that. I am glad you have a therapist and yawl are working on that. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((@Abusedbysister))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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