Holiday How?

*Beth* · 12:23 PM

I was in the grocery store today and everything was about the holiday season...employees wearing Christmas sweaters and asking about Christmas plans, Christmas music playing over the PA, crowds of people, many of them chatting and laughing about holiday plans. A sticky-sweet overload of ***holiday***.

As I was standing in the check-out line I started feeling very anxious. I thought about it and noticed that my feeling of anxiety was about being triggered.

The holiday season (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, my birthday, the New Year) when I was growing up was chaotic. I mean, there were some nice things (our Christmas tree was always so pretty and the Hanukkah candles gave the house a cozy feeling).

But then there was all the other stuff.

Possible trigger:

My parents were divorced and my father wasn't in my life much. My step-father was messed up...he spent the holidays drunk, inappropriate, and was a sexual predator - by that I mean sexual abuse - toward me. I mean, that happened all year, every year but was especially bad in December, probably because he was drunk a lot more.

My mom was severely mentally ill, but would never stay in treatment of any kind. She was especially stressed during the holidays, so her illness was way out of control. She insisted that car exhaust was poisoning her, so she taped huge black plastic tarps over our windows. That was frightening and depressing, but nothing would change her belief. She also believed that the furnace was causing her to be sick, so we weren't allowed to turn any heat on during the winter. We used only the fireplace, which didn't help much, as the house was large.

My mom loved to cook, but she set fires in the kitchen on holidays. It would end with the firetruck there...absolutely terrifying. Every freaking year.

My mom and step-father would spend the entire season fighting violently; he beat her, she constantly threatened suicide. Stuff was broken, destroyed, just completely insane. I'd lie in bed at night listening to them and wishing they'd just kill each other.

Anyway...there's other stuff, but I'm embarrassed to write about it because it's so absolutely crazy; besides, it would take more to write than anyone wants to read.

Forgive me for the lengthy post. What I really would like to ask is if anyone here is specifically triggered during the holiday season due to trauma. If so, what are the holidays like for you now? How do you cope or, if you don't cope well, how would you like the season to be?

Dec 23, 2019 at 10:41 PM

I don’t celebrate all those money making holidays at all.

I cope by going to the gym, cook myself a nice meal, watch comedy. I live alone no kids. I stay out of retail stores for now. Self- care is a must.

*Beth* · Dec 24, 2019 at 12:03 AM

I don't celebrate, either. Actually, I would like to, at least a little bit. I wish I had a grandchild to "make new memories" with. I would like to feel some of the seasonal joy, but the money isn't there and the triggers are. Forgetting the past is easier said than done, sometimes. I guess the bottom line is that to get out of the past, we need a future that looks promising and most of all, safe.

(I'm thinking that this post should have been on the Survivors of Abuse board. Maybe it will get moved.)

beauflow · Dec 24, 2019 at 02:11 AM

Quote:

I don't celebrate, either. Actually, I would like to, at least a little bit.

I have been In this boat. I am still on my journey and dont have it figured out but I try to do something that I enjoy that's of the season to me.
I like to celebrate solstice ((the actual season change not religious)) and the past few years make an effort to do a nice dinner that day. The last few Christmas I haven't done much but I do enjoy doing gift giving even if I dont see the recipient open the gift ((my friend has his family kids that I like to shop for and usually can get enough spunk to get into that)). I enjoy wrapping, because it can become a form of art to me.

My point--- over time I try to find some thing that I enjoy to do, that is "holiday like" because I've spent a few years doing nothing or just working (nonretail job) just to get the days to pass while the world around me is having a jolly time. Then when it is done, I feel like I've cheated myself by being so avoidant.

While I am still on my own journey, I al finding incorporating some things has helped but in the end it is- to each their own.
I still have moments and memories that pop up from my own struggles, I still have work but try to find what fits to help .... today "have yourself a merry little Christmas " had me bawling because some of my years my past was not behind me.

Many hugs BethRags .....

*Beth* · Dec 24, 2019 at 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beauflow

I have been In this boat. I am still on my journey and dont have it figured out but I try to do something that I enjoy that's of the season to me.
I like to celebrate solstice ((the actual season change not religious)) and the past few years make an effort to do a nice dinner that day. The last few Christmas I haven't done much but I do enjoy doing gift giving even if I dont see the recipient open the gift ((my friend has his family kids that I like to shop for and usually can get enough spunk to get into that)). I enjoy wrapping, because it can become a form of art to me.

My point--- over time I try to find some thing that I enjoy to do, that is "holiday like" because I've spent a few years doing nothing or just working (nonretail job) just to get the days to pass while the world around me is having a jolly time. Then when it is done, I feel like I've cheated myself by being so avoidant.

While I am still on my own journey, I al finding incorporating some things has helped but in the end it is- to each their own.
I still have moments and memories that pop up from my own struggles, I still have work but try to find what fits to help .... today "have yourself a merry little Christmas " had me bawling because some of my years my past was not behind me.

Many hugs BethRags .....

Thank you for your post. And for the hugs! You've described it so well...the feeling of "...just to get the days to pass while the world around me is having a jolly time. Then when it is done, I feel like I've cheated myself by being so avoidant."

I've gone so many years without truly enjoying the holiday season, it's terribly hard for me to know how to enjoy it anymore. I did hang some bright pink lights this year; I really like the lights during December.

Anyway, a big hug for you, too, beauflow.

LilyMop · Dec 24, 2019 at 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't celebrate, either. Actually, I would like to, at least a little bit. I wish I had a grandchild to "make new memories" with. I would like to feel some of the seasonal joy, but the money isn't there and the triggers are. Forgetting the past is easier said than done, sometimes. I guess the bottom line is that to get out of the past, we need a future that looks promising and most of all, safe.

(I'm thinking that this post should have been on the Survivors of Abuse board. Maybe it will get moved.)

There is a survivors of abuse board? I need to find it.

LilyMop · Dec 24, 2019 at 11:42 AM

@BethRags

I understand what you’re going through. I’ve always suffered through the holidays due to past trauma. It seems to get worse and not easier. I wonder why I always looked to the future for things to get better or easier? I haven’t mastered the art of living in the moment and appreciating those things I have in this moment. That’s something I hope to work on.

I have a grandchild I don’t get to see. I’m sad about that. I find myself wishing I’d had more kids so that maybe I could have a family right now. I totally understand your struggle as I am going through it with you.

What could we do to make things better? In this moment? Do you have a pet to hug? Can you take a nice walk? I plan to love on my fur babies and spend some time outside.

I’m here to talk if you need someone to listen. I hope we can look forward to some happier days again. That’s what I am working toward. That and enjoying what’s good right now like my sweet fur babies while I still have them.

*Beth* · Dec 24, 2019 at 02:52 PM

Thank you so much for your reply, LilyMop.

I have two adult children, but my son and his wife are traveling this year. My daughter has not communicated with me for 13 months, since I had to go IP in Nov. '18. My heart is broken over her refusal to speak with me; we were very close...maybe my going IP just scared her too much.

My husband and I will go to dinner somewhere tomorrow night, I am grateful for him, more or less (he and I don't live together). Overall, I am grateful for my family of five kitties. They teach me so much. My cats received the only gift I purchased this year, which is a new cat tree.

I'm working in therapy to live in the moment, but I'm not there yet. Part of me wants to spend the entire holiday curled up in bed with a good book. But part of me feels just as left out as I did while growing up when my friends' families had relatively normal holidays...and with my family it was a freak show. The holidays still feel like everyone else in the class was invited to the party, but I wasn't. I definitely count my blessings - but I also don't want to feel guilty because I wish for a little bit more, and a little bit easier.

I'm surprised because our mental illnesses and PTSD apparently get worse as we age. I would think it would be the other way around. I have high hopes that, through therapy, I will be able to leave the past in the past, where it belongs.

Enjoy those sweet furbabies

*Beth* · Dec 24, 2019 at 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyMop

There is a survivors of abuse board? I need to find it.

I feel so bad...I didn't see your post ^^^. I think the board is called "Survivors of Abuse". I have hardly ever posted there, just because I am very unsure of what to say...I mean, it's awkward to communicate about trauma. And I still feel guilty to judge, especially my mom. She could be an amazing person, but her mental illness and her refusal to be treated made a monster of her.

There's another board regarding trauma, too. Can't recall the name of it.

Abusedbysister · Dec 29, 2019 at 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

I was in the grocery store today and everything was about the holiday season...employees wearing Christmas sweaters and asking about Christmas plans, Christmas music playing over the PA, crowds of people, many of them chatting and laughing about holiday plans. A sticky-sweet overload of ***holiday***.

As I was standing in the check-out line I started feeling very anxious. I thought about it and noticed that my feeling of anxiety was about being triggered.

The holiday season (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, my birthday, the New Year) when I was growing up was chaotic. I mean, there were some nice things (our Christmas tree was always so pretty and the Hanukkah candles gave the house a cozy feeling).

But then there was all the other stuff.

Possible trigger:

My parents were divorced and my father wasn't in my life much. My step-father was messed up...he spent the holidays drunk, inappropriate, and was a sexual predator - by that I mean sexual abuse - toward me. I mean, that happened all year, every year but was especially bad in December, probably because he was drunk a lot more.

My mom was severely mentally ill, but would never stay in treatment of any kind. She was especially stressed during the holidays, so her illness was way out of control. She insisted that car exhaust was poisoning her, so she taped huge black plastic tarps over our windows. That was frightening and depressing, but nothing would change her belief. She also believed that the furnace was causing her to be sick, so we weren't allowed to turn any heat on during the winter. We used only the fireplace, which didn't help much, as the house was large.

My mom loved to cook, but she set fires in the kitchen on holidays. It would end with the firetruck there...absolutely terrifying. Every freaking year.

My mom and step-father would spend the entire season fighting violently; he beat her, she constantly threatened suicide. Stuff was broken, destroyed, just completely insane. I'd lie in bed at night listening to them and wishing they'd just kill each other.

Anyway...there's other stuff, but I'm embarrassed to write about it because it's so absolutely crazy; besides, it would take more to write than anyone wants to read.

Forgive me for the lengthy post. What I really would like to ask is if anyone here is specifically triggered during the holiday season due to trauma. If so, what are the holidays like for you now? How do you cope or, if you don't cope well, how would you like the season to be?

Thank you for the post. My stress level usually increases during the holiday season. I have to be around my sister who abused me physically and mentally growing up. She loved to bully me and beat me up in front of my cousins, and they loved to see me getting beaten up by her. Now, we are all adults but seeing all of them together brings back a lot of memories. She still loves to order me around. I cannot avoid the Christmas family functions but have been practising with my therapist how to stand up to her. I also try to go to as few family functions as I can. I still feel triggered each year after the holiday season. I no longer go home for Thanksgiving or Easter.

*Beth* · Dec 29, 2019 at 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abusedbysister

Thank you for the post. My stress level usually increases during the holiday season. I have to be around my sister who abused me physically and mentally growing up. She loved to bully me and beat me up in front of my cousins, and they loved to see me getting beaten up by her. Now, we are all adults but seeing all of them together brings back a lot of memories. She still loves to order me around. I cannot avoid the Christmas family functions but have been practising with my therapist how to stand up to her. I also try to go to as few family functions as I can. I still feel triggered each year after the holiday season. I no longer go home for Thanksgiving or Easter.

GREAT that you're practicing how to stand up to your sister! My sister is 18 years older than I am (same parents) and she has bossed me around all of my life. Not only was that difficult for me, but I resented that she never took any action when it was obvious that our mother was being physically abused by her husband. And so on.

Anyway, this summer, for the first time, I stood my ground with her. It was calm, but clear and I felt like I had won a blue ribbon.

I hope you are able to stand firm with regard to your abusive sister. It's a wonderful feeling!

Abusedbysister · Dec 29, 2019 at 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

GREAT that you're practicing how to stand up to your sister! My sister is 18 years older than I am (same parents) and she has bossed me around all of my life. Not only was that difficult for me, but I resented that she never took any action when it was obvious that our mother was being physically abused by her husband. And so on.

Anyway, this summer, for the first time, I stood my ground with her. It was calm, but clear and I felt like I had won a blue ribbon.

I hope you are able to stand firm with regard to your abusive sister. It's a wonderful feeling!

Thank you. I hope one day I will have the strength to stand up to her. Unfortunately, I am still very scared of her and have not been successful In standing up.. I hope one day I will stand my ground.

*Beth* · Dec 30, 2019 at 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abusedbysister

Thank you. I hope one day I will have the strength to stand up to her. Unfortunately, I am still very scared of her and have not been successful In standing up.. I hope one day I will stand my ground.

You will! Just keep working on it.

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Holiday How?

My Support Forums

Anonymous45016 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 23, 2019 at 10:41 PM #2 I don’t celebrate all those money making holidays at all. I cope by going to the gym, cook myself a nice meal, watch comedy. I live alone no kids. I stay out of retail stores for now. Self- care is a must.
	Reply With Quote