"If you really loved me..."

I'm currently in an abusive relationship...

I didn't realize (or rather, didn't want to admit) that it was abusive until very recently.

I'm coming to terms that he raped me a couple of months ago. It's hard for me to admit because at the time, I did not fight back, did not tell him 'no' or 'stop' or anything. I was told that it was still rape because I did not want to do it and was unable to say the safe word.

He's taken a liking to hitting me lately... I feel like it's my own fault because I never try to stop him and I mean... I do sell wolf tickets sometimes. He's very careful "not leave marks", but it still smarts like hell. I fell over and my arm hit a door handle and even though I didn't bruise, it still hurts when i touch it... four days later.

Now he's been wanting me to tell him how badly I want to be hurt. When I refuse, or tell him that I don't want to be hurt, he always pulls, "If you really loved me, you'd prove that you want to make me happy... If you really loved me, you'd tell me how much you like it when I hurt
you."

It makes me feel trapped because even though I DO love him, he tells me how disappointed he is with me when I don't want to be hurt. I really care a lot about him, but I don't want to be physically hurt all the time. And I feel cornered because when I do stand up for myself, telling him that I don't want to be hurt, he backs off a little, but usually says like, "I'm disappointed in you" or "It upsets me that you don't want this to be honest."

I completely understand that he's not good for me. But I am currently too weak to get rid of him, too weak to let him leave my life. My friends have all asked me to go to police, but I have had nothing but terrible experiences with police involvement ... I have sought help from the national domestic violence hotline and was given a lot of really good information and articles about sexual abuse.

I love him, but I don't know what to do when he says he's disappointed in me or that he wants to hear me tell him that I want him to hurt me.

It feels like a trap... When I'm honest and tell him that I don't want to be hurt, he say's I don't love him. I don't know what more to do...

"Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow.."

This is dangerous; I hope you will find the courage to escape from the abuse; it isn't going to get better. Every day women are murdered by abusers; please don't become a statistic....being hit is NOT your fault; abusers CHOOSE their behavior. Abuse ISN't love.

This is not ok. I think you should call the domestic abuse hotline and talk to them about your situation.National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233

You need to have therapy to understand how you can love a person who physically and emotionally abuses you. No one deserves to be treated the way you have shared in how this man treats you. This person doesn't love you, and he probably doesn't even know how to feel love.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It really is a bad kind of abuse. It has nothing to do with love. When he mentions this, it is for manipulative reasons. I would like to recommend Kris Godinez to you. You can find her on Youtube. Very informative videos. You deserve better

I appreciate all of your replies
I'm not currently in the mindset of leaving him right now even though I can admit now taht he is abusive..

I have already contacted the national domestic violence hotline using their chat feature and was able to get some really good articles on how to stay safe around him, but i looked on their site to find a local domestic violence center where I could find more help/information but the nearest one is much too far away

Iwish i could find a way to feel less guilty when he says he's disappointed in me...
We've been in fights before but i always end up coming back to him and apologizing even when i feel liek I didn't do anything wrong...

I had a pregnancy scare a while ago and I refused to tell him about it and he got upset with me because I wouldn't tell him what the doctor said... And I felt i had every right to not tell him what the doctor said, but he got very upset with me and eventually I apologized to him for not telling him what the doctor said...

I've had some people suggest i go to the police, but I won't and also I can't prove he's hurting me because he's extremely particular about not leaving marks , so he never leaves any physical evidence of abuse ... and I don't think police would be believe me anyway

I don't want him to hurt me , and I try hard to stand up for myself , but it hurts me a lot when he's disappointed in me
I guess a weird, messed up part of me likes the abuse... but it's not really the abuse, I think i liek having his attention...

Also , it feels like no other man would ever want me,
He's put up with me for so long.. he's seen me when i wasn't my best and he supported me though it when everyone else left me

"Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow.."