advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
weirdette
Member
weirdette has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
10 yr Member
Default Dec 26, 2019 at 07:56 PM
  #1
Dear community,
I just ended a realtionship, that started in summer, all new honeymoony, promising and great and then degenerated quickly into a text message exchange. The man, first overwhelmingly charming, stated early that he had depression and thanks to me it had allegedly improved enough for him to get off his meds.I learned quickly that things always needed to go his way, otherwise he'd go silent and I committed as much as I could, invested time, made a lot of compromises, including no sleep when I was with him and getting up at 4:30am. His moods shilfted a lot and he was rarely overtly mean, more snarky and sarcastic. He expected me to know how to behave around him, but never told me when I asked. He distanced himself more and more when summer turned into fall, seasonal affective disorder I thought, and I tried to show him a lot of understanding and love to keep his spirits up. The result was that he didn't answer his phone anymore, and barely read any texts of mine anymore. He insisted he was tired, but we are still partners and all his batteries are in the red zone. I understood, gave him time and waited. 50 days precisely, barely any messages. In between I asked if he is still interested in seing me at all, if he still feels anything for me, where we are standing or what he suggests to do. No answer to any of those questions, ever. He felt unable to answer, he said. I did ask questions like this for months. Mixed messages, no real answers and actions and words didn't align. Later on, he never answered his phone anymore when I called, then once he did very angrily followed by an apology via text message. Then he was angry because I didn't respond right away. It was his rules, and I felt very disrespected , plus he always insisted he didn't want to lose me and we were partners. Yet he went on the dating site on which we had met, I noticed when I checked once. He threw a fit when I didvisit the site to take my pictures down in the beginning. It has always been tit for tat with him and he talked very badly about his ex, super resentful, constant negative moods and was angry with the whole world. When I was happy he called me fake, when I was down he said I was supposed to be the happy one here. Whatever I did, he found something wrong and I finally drew the line before christmas because the pain and suffering became too much for me. Via text though, I admit that it is inappropriate but he blocked me from calling him and closed all doors but texts. So I wrote a heartfelt text, keeping it very peaceful, no blaming, just staing my feelings, saying that it just didn't fit anymore and I wasn't happy and I knew it was due to his depression, yet I'd be there if he needed any help. (I said that because I sincerely care and because I know he has almost no relationship with his parents, his siblings or any close friends to talk to..I kind of see why now). What I got back was no understanding but blame and so much hate, how pathetic I was posting positive status updates . I was being a hypocrit , those quotes were pathetic, fake, paltry and I should spare him. I replied that he didn't need to look at my status if he didn't want to and that it is my business what I post there. He really shows me a whole new, very mean side, so I am glad it is over. Yet I feel like I have hit someone who is already down. When I got his spare me the quotes in your status-message, I really physically shivered for 10 minutes. The muscles all spasmed with no end to it. I felt panic. I often did with his messages, which is why I turned off notifications.
I have been in abusive relationships before, he was never ever physically abusive but emotionally very manipulative, I guess. I know he carries a lot of hate , which will now be directed at me. Luckily, we don't live close or work in the same area, but I feel scared and guilty now. Guilty because I have hurt him by cutting off somebody who is depressed and has no one else. I just didn't see any perspective, he didn't want to get help. communicate, talk, answer, but still have me somehow as a partner (what?!). I thought about just blocking him everywhere , but is that too mean? The confusion, anxiety, guilt and relief on the other hand just keep spinning in my head. Therefore I'd really be grateful for tips or opinions. Sorry for the major essay and thanks in advance
weirdette is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 27, 2019 at 04:05 AM
  #2

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
weirdette
Member
weirdette has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Posts: 27
10 yr Member
Default Dec 27, 2019 at 05:28 AM
  #3
Thank you so much, that was super insightful
weirdette is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
sarahsweets
accentuate
New Member
accentuate has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
3 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Apr 07, 2020 at 09:54 AM
  #4
THANK YOU Sarahsweets. Very useful.
accentuate is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Apr 08, 2020 at 12:02 AM
  #5
I'll have to read that link, myself.

I understand depression can be hard and taxing on someone, but I also don't think it's an excuse or a cause to mistreat someone to this degree. He sounds abusive and I think you know this, or you wouldn't have posted in the 'Survivors of Abuse" section.

For all it's worth, you ended this relationship because of his abuse, blame-games, jealousy, communication styles, and avoidance tactics. HUGE and valid reasons. When you expressed your concerns, he escalated, blamed you further, and did not apologize for a single thing.

For example, had he said, "I'm so sorry for avoiding you so much. My depression really takes a hold of me and I isolate myself from the world. I don't want to hurt you.. I just don't know how to cope with it." ... with this, I'd be more empathetic to his mental state. I wouldn't necessarily stay in this relationship because it was a new one to begin with.. depression can be lifelong. But, he said nothing remotely close to it. He's a gigantic RED FLAG for abuse and I would just be proud of yourself for making a decision for YOU. You're entitled to be happy. You don't need to carry someone else's burden.

Pick up the pieces and block him. He didn't want your help then so I wouldn't be too concerned about what happens to him next month. Sorry for my bluntness.
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:53 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.