My mother

Society rates mothers as very high, almost 'god-like'. The word mother brings up connotations of someone who is protective, loving, nurturing, caring, a guide, etc. People I have met over the years give a positive view of their mothers who raised them up well. I find I'm constantly fighting against that ideal as none of the above attributes can describe my mother. Just because a woman has a child doesn't necessarily mean they become a saint or always act in an ethical way in regards to their child. Some mothers behave in the opposite way - abusive.

Most people in my community don't want to believe it or will dismiss the fact that my mother was abusive. It's taken almost 20 years to work out my mother due to the fact I was dealing with major depression followed by C-PTSD throughout my adulthood. But over time I have had many realisations which paint a picture of a mother who was extremely abusive to me in childhood. Some of her behaviour would be considered criminal if I was to go to the police. I won't go into detail here about the abuse. But her abuse has caused significant psychological injury to me. Many times I tried to reach her by having open and honest conversations, all to no avail. I have tried to speak to other family members about the real character of my mother but they become defensive and go into denial.

I find I'm left isolated and alone when I say to everybody 'the emperor is wearing no clothes'. I feel my family and others sees me as 'the problem'. I feel scapegoated but I have no way of proving this since nobody talks to me. My family is not interested in direct and honest communication. I had a great relationship with my nephews when they were growing up but as adults have never made contact with me. The family has no interest in psychology, feelings or personal development. My intuition tells me there is a smear campaign against me and this is reinforced by the fact that people who use to talk to me in the past no longer want to know me. I am never good enough and always feel everything is my fault. If you were scapegoated as a child there will be high probability that you will be scapegoated in adulthood.

I think one of the reasons people are afraid to confront or criticise my mother as they find her intimidating. She presents as self-righteous, God-fearing, religious and humble. But I see her as a covert narcissist. Although no formal psychological training I needed to work her out in my own mind to make sense of her personality and behaviour. It was like a 'light-bulb moment' when I finally realised she is a covert narcissist since I was able to then understand her behaviour and personality. I was able to connect the dots. Covert narcissists hide their meanness so only some people see their bad side and suffer as a result, these people are a wolf in sheep's clothing. And when I try to tell others about my mother's bad side, I'm ignored or met with aggression. After all society reveres mothers.

Anyway these are my thoughts, there is no solution to my situation, I just wanted to vent.

PH

There is nothing wrong with you. Mothers (and all abusers) take out their issues and frustrations on others, but they never feel any better about themselves, and so the cycle never ends. My mother was physically and verbally abusive, so I did a lot of research (The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life) Lots of people don't want to admit or talk about their abusive mothers. Occasionally you will find someone in your situation who is willing to talk about their abusive parent(s).......There are plenty of abusive mothers out there. Don't take on the blame and shame of someone else's abuse, xo

Honestly, If you are able to- cut off contact. it sounds really unhealthy for you and since there is no desire to change on their part and you cant change them you only have control of what is going on for you.

Have you read 'Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit' by Jeanette Winterson? It's a devastatingly truthful autobiographical novel about what is (often) really going on behind closed doors.

She has an amazing way of making the reader feel less crazy and alone.

Her later memoir was called 'Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?'

Very funny and cheering.

Thanks Purple, Violet, Blue, I will check out that book, thank you.

Hi Sarahsweets

I find it very hard to cut-off my parents from my life. Other people I can but parents I find it difficult. I generally keep a low contact profile since I get on better with my dad. Thanks for your reply!