I cut off my abusive parents

A little history:
I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD at 17 years old. I had a really rough childhood (Probably not the worst but it really affected me). My Dad used to beat me from 4 years old (Belt), to hands until I was 18. I had ADHD and couldn't concentrate at schoolwork. My Dad did nearly nothing for me up till this day.

My mum I think is what they classify as a total psychopath. Fronts as a loving, caring person but is the biggest liar, manipulator, gossiper and just a down right mean person. She kicked us out the house on more than 10 occassions, left us for years, and basically took all of my belongings away from me. They also made me do a paternity test when I was 27 because they apparently believed I was someone else's child.

I left home, got a professional degree, got a good job and a great wife but nothing changed psychology. I became an angry, bitter, depressed and anxious person and suffered from daily nightmares of my parents.

I've been on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, ADHD medication, tranquilizers, anti anxiety drugs and therapy and they have probably helped about 30%.

It's been 7 years since living on my own and needless to say, they are pretty much the same. Narcissistic, bitter, self absorbed people.
They have always used the Christian excuse that you should "honour your parents" in an attempt to get away with whatever they do or say.

I pulled away and this week, after thinking about it for a long time, decided to tell them everything they've done and tell them I'm cutting them off for good. This may seem extreme but the thought of continuously looking for love from them was daunting.

Anyway, I sent the long letter, expecting a response but no substantial apology or anything. I got nothing, not a phone call, not a message, not an email.

I do feel hurt. It's as if I meant nothing, but it's not anything new, I've always been treated as an outcast.I feel strangely liberated for the last few days. I want to move on from this though and would love to hear others thoughts of similar experiences. Does it get better?

First, Welcome to PsychCentral. I see this is your first post.

I want to commend you on standing up for yourself and not taking their abuse any longer. I had to do the same thing; my family abused me so much I developed amnesia, clinical depression, complex ptsd and more.

Society beats into our heads that nothing is more important than family, but it doesn't take into account the fact that some people are monsters and can not take care of vulnerable children. And it sounds like your parents aren't capable of giving you the love you need.

Are you an only child?

Do you have a therapist? I had to go through years of therapy and am a recovering alcoholic, sober over 12 years now. It's been a lot of work, but I a grateful to be on this side of the abuse. It doesn't control me like it did.

Have you thought about therapy?

No, none of the above, in terms of, dont expect an apology from crazy people.

But yes, it does get better. I get it - our parents had one job - to welcome us into the world. After all, they invited us. They fail at that, and we never feel welcome here. Thats a handicap that is hard to overcome, compared to people who do feel welcome in the world. Being ostracised - NOT welcome in the group - is one of the worst things you can do to the (human) animal. It threatens their survival. Everything FEELS like a matter of life and death.

Therapy helps you learn that you CAN survive without your carpy family; thrive, even.

Hi Happy Crafter

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me that someone actually understands what I'm going through.

I actually have a younger brother who has competed with me his entire life. He's always wanted and RECEIVED all of the attention, love, support, money, etc. He enjoys it. Needless to say, my relationship isn't great with him either.

Regarding therapy, I've been seeing a Psychologist for about 6 years now on a monthly basis. Honestly, besides being able to talk and let off some steam, I haven't made any progress. Maybe it's the frequency that's an issue?

Unaluna. Thank you.

You're so right. All you ask for is to be treated like a kid, a human. Is it so hard?

Today, as an adult, I would NEVER be able to even think of doing this to my kids.

I just hope therapy works.

Hi Alexmd, Welcome to Psych Central. First off, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I hope it wasn't too triggering for you to go into and share. Know that you are NOT alone. I think you show a tremendous capacity for self-awareness, and have the rare ability to identify how your family dynamic impacts your health. If there is any shred of doubt in your mind that you are lost, I can tell you right now with absolute sincerity that you are not. You are on the path to becoming healthy. How do I know this? Because you are asking the right questions and making the right steps - that is something we all must do, however challenging those steps may be. And this process looks different for everyone. Unfortunately, some of us are born into unhealthy families that prime us for a world of fear and become the source of our lifelong ailments. Just like you, I was also the scapegoat / the black duck. We have been robbed of a family that provides the proper care and nurture required to grow, and as a result, we suffer. Our desperate yearnings for care and nurture keep us stuck in trauma bonds with our abusers - push and pull, back and forth - repeated traumas, over and over, and despite all of the abuse, we keep going back expecting different results. We want them to prove us wrong, but they feed on our insecurities and know that is the time to hoover us back in. Our abusers groom us into a trauma bond and know what cords to pull to get their needs met; and unless we become aware of this and recognize the narcissistic abuse, we will go back. Nothing worse than being there and even worse when there is nowhere else to go for help. I am so sorry for what you have been through. My heart bleeds for survivors of any kind of abuse. I am so happy you have made the decision to distance! Absolutely a MUST. You cannot heal your trauma's if you are constantly being re-truamatized. Safety is the number one prerequisite for healing trauma. Find your love somewhere else. Your family is unhealthy, that is why they treat you poorly. Might take time, but have faith that there are good people out there who will not harm or exploit you. Family doesn't always encompass our bloodline... Sometimes we find that support elsewhere. Please maintain boundaries with those you know abuse you. It hurts, but you can do it! It is absolutely paramount to your recovery. There is no shame to feel. Do what is right for you - be selfish - it is not narcissistic to look after yourself first and foremost! Anyway, I am rambling and I'm not so sure I am on topic still. I want you to know that we support you and look forward to getting to know more about you on the forums. Thanks, HD7970ghz

Once a month? I went weekly when I went to therapy. Do you think more often would be better? Can you manage that?

Welcome to pc

You did the right thing by cutting your parents out of your life. My refuse was mentally and physically abusive towards me. What your parents said to you is what my mom said to me. I understand how you feel.