Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

My mother was neglectful and callous. My father was self-absorbed, physically abusive, and diagnosed with NPD. On the latter, I really think a lot of people who say their parents are narcissists don't really know what narcissists are like.

I'm on alright terms with both of them, but I'm diagnosed with AsPD and I can't help but see the same traits they have in myself. I have my father's egocentrism and my mother's coldness. It's hard to tell how much of that is genetic and how much of it is environmental, since the two are clearly going hand-in-hand.

In many respects, I understand them. They don't really understand how their behavior caused me to be so pathological, and they refuse to take any responsibility for the damage they did to me. I know that my mother has gone as far as saying that as a way to avoid facing the consequences of her actions. Likewise, I could probably provide examples where I've been just as cold and dismissive of others close to me.

So now I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style because I don't know what healthy relationships look like. I find myself repeating the same abuse that was done to me with other people. I'm not sure how to develop healthier relationships, it seems like I'm fated to become just like them some days.

How do you learn how to have healthy relationships when you don't have any affective empathy and don't understand the emotions of others?

Hi february,

I get what you mean. The people who have abused me to the point of CPTSD won't accept the damage they have done to me either and need to blame me for it--they blame me for their abuse and they blame me for the damage they have done to me psychologically and to my life.

A supportive therapist who is trained to deal with your specific problems could probably help you learn to build relationships. But there are a lot of bad therapists and psychologists out there who have gone into psychology as a substitute for dealing with their own psychological problems, so make sure this person will be a positive support for you. There are websites that help people find therapists in their area and they often show feedback from clients, so this might be an option for you.

You mentioned in another post that you have spoken to therapists. Have you been in therapy and if so how has it been?

Honestly? It's been a mixed bag. I hate to say it, but I really understand why so many people with AsPD stop going to therapy or say that therapy doesn't do anything. It feels like it can take way too long for whoever I'm talking to to actually understand that I really mean what I'm saying. It took me forever for them to just acknowledge that I had problems with telling too many lies.

They also constantly forget that I don't really process emotion properly. They will try to make an appeal to my emotion and catch themselves in the middle of it a lot. Most of my significant breakthroughs have been through mysticism, not therapy. I really feel like they don't know how to treat what I'm going through most of the time.

However, instead of dropping out of my sessions, I stuck with them. Over time, the quality has gradually gotten a little better. There have been a handful of things that therapy has helped me process quicker, or things that my therapist has pointed out to me that might have taken me awhile to notice. I'm far from getting genuine help every session, but I feel like I'm at least helping my therapist better understand what I'm going through every session.

It also got me access to medication, and that helps with the homicidal ideation and misanthropy. I don't have to feel angry all the time anymore. That's really nice.

If my treatment wasn't practically free for me, and I wasn't already forcefully admitted for a good chunk of time, I wouldn't continue going. It's too hard to get over that lengthy introduction before I actually start getting some amount of help, and the help that I do receive isn't exactly high quality. Even then, the few times it's helped me have actually been instrumental in becoming more stable and being able to function, so I can't say that it's entirely useless. Just mostly.

I also say this after jumping between multiple psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, etc. I've dropped countless therapists after just the first session. Just finding one that worked for me was a lot of effort, and arguably not worth it. I'm not sure that I would do it again with the pitiful returns I'm getting, especially if I had to pay full-price for my sessions and medication.

So, not a ringing endorsement, but it has helped in its own way.