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Poohbah
Member Since May 2016
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 1,168
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#1
I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.
It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior? __________________ Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in event of success. -Ernest Shackleton |
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*Beth*, Abusedbysister, bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, Goforward, HD7970GHZ, Katiesue4, MtnTime2896, Zevvy
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Abusedbysister, HD7970GHZ, Katiesue4
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Member
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: VA
Posts: 75
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#2
My ex did, yes. After one of our fights he would try to downplay how bad it really was. He would say that it was normal for couples to argue as if our fights were simply arguments. But they weren't. Our fights would end with broken plates and one of us storming out before it got violent. One of our neighbors even called the police on us once. I was so embarrassed, but thinking back, I'm really glad they did.
At least he never claimed that these arguments were supposed to help me. I'm very sorry you went through that. |
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bpcyclist, Ceara1010, Fuzzybear, Goforward, MtnTime2896
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bpcyclist, Goforward
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Poohbah
Member Since May 2016
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 1,168
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#3
Maybe his parents had violent fights and that was all he was used to. Abusers can be the most tremendous rationalizers.
__________________ Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in event of success. -Ernest Shackleton |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, MtnTime2896, ShaneG
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*Beth*
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2013
Location: N/A
Posts: 1,776
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#4
Quote:
Interesting post! I definitely see this. Perfect example: cultural and systemic abuse and corruption in large scale corporations and publicly funded institutions, whether they be healthcare, law enforcement, judicial systems, prison systems, psychiatric units, child protection services, etc. What an absolute gong show of a planet we are on. Normalization of deviance occurs in all institutions that provide power and no accountability to employees. Snitches get stitches, so the abuse of power becomes normalized, as does the corruption that results if ever the survivors are to speak up and try to expose them. These same power dynamics can be found in sooooooo many different places in society. The most vulnerable are being preyed upon left, right and center. Thanks, HD7970ghz It is literally a gong show. __________________ "stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear, MtnTime2896
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Ceara1010, MtnTime2896
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Member Since Aug 2019
Location: Ubiquitous
Posts: 39
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#5
Quote:
I've not heard the specific claim that it's all 'therapy', but I have heard abusers either normalize or downplay both physical and emotional harm. You know that it's a way they can also argue to themselves that they're innocent, while they're trying to get you to buy that as well. The more they minimize, the more they're able to discount any other times you bring up the abuse, and the more they can self-righteously argue that you're being an awful unforgiving person for continuing to be offended and to blame them. The doctorate part's pretty familiar too. You know, they may not hand those things out to just anyone, but about 4.5 million people do. Like any other huge group, we can't think that they're all angels, can we? Please take care of yourself. The abusers won't. __________________ Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. --Samuel Butler |
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bpcyclist, Fuzzybear
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Ceara1010
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#6
I have also experienced this. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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*Beth*, bpcyclist, Ceara1010, Katiesue4
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#7
According to my mother, screaming at me when I was a small child who expressed an opinion was intended to make sure that I did not become "spoiled".
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Abusedbysister, bpcyclist, Ceara1010, Fuzzybear, HD7970GHZ, Katiesue4, MsLady, Open Eyes
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
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#8
IMO if there was an expanded definition of an abuser it would include normalizing or rationalizing their abuse. Abusers all try to do this, I feel its a common trait,.
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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ShaneG
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*Beth*, Bill3, Ceara1010, Fuzzybear, HD7970GHZ, Katiesue4, Open Eyes
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Account Suspended
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 49
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#9
Trigger warning: This is the undoctored, genuine mindset that I've had as an abuser when it comes to normalization:
Possible trigger:
I apologize if this wasn't the place to post this. I thought it might help some users to just get confirmation that, yes, abusers are crazy and, no, it's really not your fault that they have such a warped worldview that you're unfortunate enough to be the victim of. |
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ShaneG
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Bill3, Ceara1010, Katiesue4
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#10
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Bill3
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Bill3, Katiesue4
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
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#11
Yep. I can relate by so many different people who had all downplayed their behaviours
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Bill3
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New Member
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 3
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#12
Quote:
my mother, in the role of the accomplice and victim herself, says that she was abused too when she was young and got over it, that all men are abusers and that I'm too sensitive.. My father (the abuser) treats her like a queen, protects her and respects her, she says. Nothing else to say.. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 128
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#13
Quote:
It is very common. No abuser would ever admit they are abusing you. After being abused by my sister all my childhood and teenage years, I ended up having a relationship with a very abusive person. This person used to beat me up and hurt me every day. Since that was normal for me and the abuser acted as if it was all normal behaviour to beat up your partner all the time. I also believed him as for me a normal relationship was to get beaten up by the bully. That is in part why the cycle of abuse doesn’t get broken. |
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Bill3, Goforward
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Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: CA
Posts: 273
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#14
My ex used to claim I abused him.....aah what? He would do and say all sorts of things to me and later claim he didn't remember it. Glad I don't have to put up with that anymore.
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Abusedbysister
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New Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: East Coast
Posts: 4
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#15
I can't tell if my parents are being purposeful in trying to normalize their abuse, or if they were literally so absentminded about everything they did that they don't remember. But they always speak publicly (restaurants or family gatherings) about the times I remember them being abusive, but their take is practically like revisionist history. An example: If I stayed after school until I was left waiting until after dark, six or more hours. Not allowed to call anyone else and embarrass my parents. They say, "Oh, you know, we were just so busy with work that we couldn't be as close to the kids as we wanted." Or my making myself nearly every meal, otherwise I wouldn't eat, my mom remembers it as, "I hated cooking and waking up early to make your lunches, but I did it just for you." But I can deeply relate to being seen as the trouble-maker. I'm bored or mean so I over-analyze, I simply can't help it, or it's "part of my creative nature".
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Goforward
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