Why that letter you write is more for you so useless to send.

Many individuals who struggle tends to come from having too much exposure to someone that has many of these problems. It's important to keep in mind that narcissists don't KNOW they are narcissists.

19 signs you'''re a narcissist and don'''t even know it

Their own fears crowd out everything else in their minds, to consider how they appear to outsiders. It makes sense.

I thought I could contribute with some real-life examples of narcissism lines and behavior (by my mother, in recent years. I am an adult, by the way)

1."All I have in this life are these few sculptures that I made...and you“. (in that order)
2. "How can you say that you love your husband more than me?“
3. "Your husband appreciates you too much, that’s why you have suddenly grown such an ego!“
4. Calling to say that she will not come to lunch that I already prepared for New Year’s day: "I don’t want to come because your husband didn’t call me to wish me happy New Year.“
5. "Why, am I not the single most important person in this deal?“ (on the occasion in which she was not the most important person in the deal)
6. Not saying anything, but throwing herself on the floor, sometimes bruising and sometimes just feigning injuries afterwards. Her favorite: not to tell me that she is ill, only to turn it against me afterwards, and to call me cold, unemotional and in-emphatic because I didn’t call.
7. "I believe that she had fallen on her head and changed her personality“ (My mother in a talk to a friend, about me not responding to her emotional blackmail any more)
8. "I was too afraid for myself to be even thinking of you“ (Comment on the abuse that I suffered as a child in my primary family)
9. "What do you want from me now, to go over and kill him?“ (When I told her that she is minimizing the dreadful impact that repetitive childhood trauma had on me. She did not mean it, though.)
10. „I think she made it all up“. (in conversation with my therapist, whom she went to see without telling me)

Sounds to me like someone in a panic and trying everything to get someone to notice and take away the fear.

@pachyderm,
I guess you got the emotions of fear and panic right, even though that was not where I was heading with this post. I always felt responsible for her panic and her fear, that it almost ruined me.

Take care
A.

Very dramatic, very self-centered. She almost sounds like my mother. Esp the "she made it all up" part.

@unaluna,
I am sorry that you have experienced some of this self-centeredness from your mother as well.

Take care,
A.

When I read this article I could see so many of these traits in my father, my older sister and my husband.

My attempts to point out "truths and realities" had served to only end up hurting me even more. Individuals with these traits DON'T WANT TO LISTEN, just as it describes in the article.

This is why writing that letter to them defining how they hurt you will not really be respected. The only "truth" an individual like this will see is in fact "their own truth". If you can't be with them, then you are against them. That means a letter shedding light on their true problems is never going to be respected.

I DO think there is a spectrum to this as well, as some are worse than others. The thing is, often these individuals do have talents and abilities. This is why they often accomplish their coveted leadership positions.

@Open Eyes,
It must have been difficult to have so many people close to you ignore or aggravate your hurt, and I am sorry that you've experienced that.

I completely understand 'not want to listen' part, except that I would add that every narc I was unfortunate to have in my life showed incredible memory for every single detail they could use against me at some point. I honestly believed they never listened to me, as they threaded over my feelings with ease, until I dared to stand up for myself - and then an unbelievable change in attitude would happen, they would miraculously come up with something that I said months or years before, and somehow turn it against me. I became very cautious about what I let a narc in my surrounding know about me. It is one more thing in favor of never sending that letter, but instead saving it as a reminder to ourselves.
Best
A.

But of course you had no responsibility for her fears.

Yes, these individuals do tend to remember a list of anything they know they can use to fault you with so they can elevate themselves. However, this is something constantly practiced when observing political competitions where different individuals are vying for a power position. They ALL look for anything they can find to use against their competitors in hopes to make them look bad so they themselves can look better and stronger. That being said, this tends to be something many people do in general where they remember things about another person, not necessarily to hurt or use against that other person, but more of remembering another's challenges and patterns of behaviors. It's a built in profiling that is actually normal to being human.

What I ran into was how any hurts or weaknesses I displayed or shared was stored by one of these "toxic" individuals to use against me, even twist around to THEIR advantage which was to give them the control they needed to have for their own ego and personal gain. Unfortunately, narcissists will listen and remember anything they can use to gaslight and they get very good at it.