Trauma resurfacing in sleep talking

Hello all, first time poster here. To make an extremely long story short, I’ve been married to my husband for five years and recently I’ve said my abusive ex’s name in my sleep 3 times. I haven’t been dreaming and I have absolutely no recollection of it. After trying to talk it out and discover why I may be doing this, a lot got unpacked and now my head is spinning.

I’d told my husband that I had been a victim of sexual abuse in my early twenties and then the last boyfriend I had before marrying my husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative. I’d never gone into terrible detail because I’d never told anyone at all, and my husband also indicated he didn’t want to hear the specifics unless I really needed to share them. It’s hard saying “I need to tell you everything that happened so you can understand where I’m coming from” when things are going well because you don’t want to sabotage it. And when things aren’t so great, I’m more focused on the issue at hand than to say “you know, I think now is a good time to tell you what has happened” because it feels selfish. I don’t know.

Today we really had a come to Jesus moment. Things have been so great lately until I said Jack’s (changed for privacy) name in my sleep 3 times. But I can’t act like it’s not a huge deal just because I was asleep. Some part of me is responsible for it. Jack was absolutely awful and now that I’m gonna I moved from it, I see that. I saw it all along but abuse takes different forms. I now realize that. He told me he wanted to ruin my life and he really did try.

I’m safe now. I’m happy. I truly am. But my anxiety and depression and past trauma haunt me. I can’t let this ruin anything. I HAVE to process and deal. My husband does NOT deserve to hear my ex’s name at night and I so badly want to tackle this.

Please help. I’ll gladly elaborate on anything in the comments. Please, kind words are appreciated.

HI Scoobydoo1120. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you were in an abusive relationship. No one should have to go through that.

It sounds like from what you describe the relationship with your ex was very traumatic for you. I can understand why your husband may not want to know the details. Since this is coming out in your dreams it may be resurfacing to try to get resolved. Maybe this is time to talk to a professional that specializes in trauma and survivors of abuse.

With a professional specializing in this area you do not have to hold back. It sounds like part of you wants to work through this. It may help to share here, but a professional can help you with more certainty based of their professional experience.

Hope you get all the support you need.

There are many articles at Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology Here is one that may be of interest.
Coping with Change: Feeling Safe as a Trauma Survivor | Happily Imperfect
@CANDC

Welcome Scoobydoo1120 to Psych Central. I agree with CANDC that this may be surfacing because you need to finally resolve and process whatever is surfacing. Sometimes watching a movie or reading a news article about someone who has been raped or abused can trigger some of these old experiences to come forward. There has definitely been a lot of high profile cases in the news that involve sex abuse, like what came out about Epstein for example. Even when accusations came out about Bloomberg and his reputation with women. There has really been quite a bit of discussion about it and something like that, as I mentioned can bring back memories and feelings.

Honestly, the human brain is designed to store things that can act as warning signals. It's a part of how we are designed to help us survive. When you begin recalling things, it's always important to keep in mind that NOW you have more life experience, NOW you know a great deal more than you knew back when you had these experiences. This is important to remember so you don't start feeling guilt for not knowing how to better handle the situation you experienced.

The fact that you feel a need to talk about it is a sign that you could benefit from sitting with a therapist that specializes in these kind of life challenges to help you finally process these events.

If you experience vivid memories or even what is called flashbacks, the way to reduce their power is to say "yes, I remember that, yes that happened but I am SAFE now, I am Happy now and that is no longer in my life or happening NOW". That actually helps your brain acknowledge that this is an old memory and you don't have to feel like whatever you remember is a threat to you now.

I am sorry you experienced such an abusive relationship like you described. Often a person doesn't know what to do in a situation like that, they are young still and something like that can cause the person to "freeze" not really knowing what to do. Freeze isn't always a bad response either, it may have been the only response that helped you survive at the time. Individuals like you describe tend to target someone who is very naive and inexperienced. That is what MOST predators do, look for young, alone, someone they can single out and take control of. And typically the person is nice and doesn't deserve to experience how a toxic individual like this behaves towards them. It's important not to blame yourself ok?

For a while I was yelling out obscenities and kicking in my sleep. The trauma was working itself out in my subconscious. I’m over that now, but I’m having insomnia. You’ve gotten great advice from others on this thread. Hugs to you.

Wow, I cannot believe the support I have gotten from you and others. It is an incredible feeling to know that others have felt the exact way I feel and have experienced them, too. I have that such traumatic experiences are the things some people unite through, but community is incredible.

Once I told him everything, he said that he never assumed it was as bad as I explained. He said that practically everything makes sense. He thought the fact that I get so upset when he tries to tackle me playfully and that I go 0 to 100 was because I was an only child and never rough housed. I guess I always thought that too but now I’m seeing that if that were the case, I wouldn’t shut down and start feeling worthless afterwards. It’s the feeling of being touched aggressively (so my brain perceives) that triggers me, and then it’s the guilt of knowing I’m overreacting but not being able to control the spiral. It really is like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. The angel brings me swelling pride, beaming love, belly laughter, and drive. The devil brings me self doubt, flashbacks, the feeling of inadequacy, and misguided feelings.

I have been working with a therapist as of yesterday and will be having a full session this week which I am really looking forward to.

I also feel that it’s pertinent I mention that in January I got on Zoloft because I was having anxiety and depression issues. It turns out I ranked very high on both tests. I have felt AMAAAZING since then. Of course there are ups and downs, but I have been truly happy at my core. My husband has struggled with depression and after seeing how much better my quality of life was on Zoloft, he went to the doctor. Two weeks after I’d gotten Zoloft, he did too.

I’ve read it’s normal to have highs and lows during the first several weeks on Zoloft, and while I’d love to assume all of this is because of a Zoloft “low” I know it’s not. It’s a true feeling and way of thinking I need to overcome.

Thank you for your comment and your time. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to extend a hand to me.

Tisha, when it comes to experiencing these sudden challenges, a lot of different things can trigger it. As I mentioned, it can be what's in the news, or in a movie that can bring old experiences forward. Yet, it can also be one's own child that happens to be the age they were when something happened to them that was upsetting or even traumatic.

An example of that can be simply visiting a shop that you may have been in so many years ago you forgot and then you visit it and suddenly experience a faded memory where you say "OHHH wait a minute, I know this place, I was in here YEARS ago and forgot about it". And then what can happen is "and YES there was a creepy guy at the cash register that was nasty to me too".

That's how our brains works, it's actually pretty remarkable with you sit and think about it.

It was during the family fallout drama. The dreams were not exactly what was happening in reality but they were representative. I was getting attacked. I yelled out in my sleep. It felt so hard to do, but I actually yelled out and kicked.

YES!! That can be a trigger as well. That's what actually happened to me in a way. Yet I was very confused because of how strong my flashbacks were and how upsetting my dreams were. Mine were how past family dysfunctional dynamics were emerging again in the now part of my life. That triggered things to come forward from my past because it was so similar.

What you are revisiting is a past experience where you were overwhelmed and even in some way being attacked and you struggled to defend yourself. It's not surprising Tisha in that you have been experiencing some difficult challenges lately.

Scoobydoo1120, glad to hear that you talked to your husband and that he listened and was understanding. What you described feeling when you experience some kind of flashback which as you learn more can be emotional and it brings you into the spiral you descibed, can be frustrating.

When I used the example of going for a drive and stopping at a shop and then when in it remembering that you had visited that shop many years ago, there are a lot of things that contribute to suddenly remembering.

The human brain is designed to "navigate". First we all slowly find our bodies and our hands and feet and we see our world around us and we begin wanting to explore it and "navigate". We slowly discover all our senses too, we see things around us, we start recognizing colors, we learn the voices of comfort and lots of noises that fill the world around us. When you sit and really think about it, there is so much going on in so many different ways in so many different environments. Our brains take a lot of information in constantly, it's pretty remarkable, and everything our brains take in is all to learn to "navigate".

So, when revisiting a store that you forgot you had been to in your past, even though it was so long ago your brain is set up to take in everything you experience in that store and actually recognize and recall that you navigated in it in the past. The way it smells, where the check out desk is, the jingle on the door that rings when people enter, where the windows are the lighting, the floors. Suddenly, your brain brings it all forward and you say (we typically verbalize it too) "I remember this place" and then you remember how you felt too and even the man at the counter that was strange looking and rude. We also can remember a nice person that made us feel welcome and was extra kind too. We can even remember the tone of someone's voice too, good or bad. The other thing that can happen is "You know what this store reminds me of? That store in that movie we watched the other day, it's just so much like it". So what our brain is designed to do in recording everything we navigated is to actually "produce this sudden awareness".

Now, I do know you already know this Scoobydoo1120, the reason I am reminding you of these facts about how our brains work, is that I want you to feel comforted in recalling all this so when you experience an episode the way you describe, you don't get angry with yourself when it happens. When a person experiences anything that traumatizes them, they do have these same kind of sudden awareness experiences. For example; If your experience was traumatic when you had been in that store, if there was a man that was so mean and loud and threatening to the point where you froze not knowing what to do? That sudden awareness would also come forward and that is not "punishment" and it doesn't happen because you did anything wrong when you experienced it either. What it does mean is that when it happened you reacted in a way at that time where even though it was so bad, you survived it.

When you happen to experience these sudden "awareness moments" which can happen even years later, it can bring up questions like "how come I did not do this or that, or am I stupid because I did not do this or that at the time". The TRUTH is ((Scoobydoo1120)) you simply did not know what to do when you experienced whatever happened at the time. Your husband cannot "fix" what happened to you, and he may get upset because he cares about you. It can upset him when things he happens to do in a playful way can suddenly cause you to have one of these "sudden awareness" moments. I am sure you don't want to experience these "sudden awareness" episodes either. Yet, it's important to be kind to yourself when you do and to remember how your brain works and that your brain just has stored things where you "can" experience these awareness moments. It's not happening to you because you are stupid or a bad person either.

Welcome to PC! Everyone talks in their sleep at some point. Perhaps you are subconsciously working through some things in your life. Have you thought about going to therapy and getting some help? Have you thought about using Lisa A Romano mediation? It might help.

I agree. I wish that I had thought about that myself.

((Scooby)),
I feel concern because it seems like you are being very hard on yourself.

I think if the situations were reversed, and your sleeping husband was saying the name of someone who caused him trauma that you would not be upset with him nor feel like you were having to hear things you didn't deserve to hear. I think you would be very gentle and compassionate with him. Show yourself that same gentleness and compassion- it IS what you deserve.

I think that if there was something that you found bothered your husband, like tackling in play, that you would be kind about it and not do it anymore, and not be upset or angry with him, nor want him to be ashamed of his reaction. Be kind and understanding with yourself as well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You may NEVER get to a point where you like to be play tackled, and that is fine. You have a right to feel that way and have a right to not have it happen to you.

It seems like you don't think like you have a right to be who you are and be loved for it. It seems like you think there is something wrong with you, something shameful about you. And none of that is true.

You are perfectly lovable exactly the way you are, and deserve to give and receive love. Sure it is sensible to see a counselor and work on the things that cause you to feel bad, but not because there is something wrong with you as a human being, but because sometimes you just need help getting through the hard parts and healing all the scars. That isn't something people can really do alone. And you deserve to have your partner by your side on this ride... that is what being married is about- supporting each other in good and bad, easy and hard, joyful and painful times.

I just want to say... you go on being you, and go on doing what it takes to heal, and go on growing and learning and loving and finding happiness. Be gentle with yourself, you have had more than enough people being cruel and hard to you in your life.

Hello Scoobydoo,
Your message really resonated with me. It is very common for the victims of traumatic abuse to have nightmares of their abuse and abuser. I have that problem. I grew up being physically abused by my sister and her hobby was beating me growing up, threatening me and hurting me badly. She loved public performance of this. The experience keeps getting resurfaced in my sleeps, usually after a trigger. Meeting a cousin that was a regular witness to me getting beaten up, visiting my family for holidays, a movie, a story I read, or something I hear about or see. I have screamed, called her name, etc. in my sleep. Therapy helps a lot. I haven’t eliminated the dreams, depressions, fears, etc, but I have reduced them. I wish you the best and I recommend dealing with it sooner than later.