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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#21
((HD)), I know what I posted is hard when someone struggles with ptsd (real and not just used as an excuse). So, I don't want to invalidate that very real challenge.
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HD7970GHZ
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
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#22
MsLady you don’t know what could come handy in court.
Telling young children that their mother is crazy is parental alienation technique and many judges will not look favorably at it. So you must document everything just in case. Abuse doesn’t need to be physical for courts to determine that it’s in fact abusive. I know people who lost custody and only have supervised visitations and there was no physical abuse. So keep documenting Insisting that you must spend a lot of time with your husband is a manipulative attempt to control you. You don’t have to spend more time than you wish. I understand it’s a tough time to leave. We are all isolated. But just be prepared in case you can or must leave |
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MrsA
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HD7970GHZ, MsLady
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#23
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MrsA
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HD7970GHZ, MsLady
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
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#24
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So, I'm guilty of yelling when provoked in this sort of way. But now that I'm aware of what's happening, it's going to be so much easier (I think) to not get sucked into it. I don't doubt he's purposely provoking me so I react and give him "proof". And for the record, the yelling occurs very rarely. |
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divine1966, HD7970GHZ, MrsA
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divine1966
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: Northeast USA
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#25
@MsLady
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When a child begins to close up an not talk it's not a good sign, they don't feel safe and they don't know how to talk about it, they are beginning to practice avoidance. Please know this challenge if affecting them in ways they can end up dealing with the rest of their lives. |
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MrsA
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MsLady
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#26
To quote your own words “Goes to show you how blinded one can be when abuse becomes so normal .. you no longer recognize it as a problem until it's too late..”
Sadly your children experience abuse as their normal because that’s all they know (just like like that’s all you knew snd that’s why you choose this man) and they are too young to make sense out of it. Chances are high that your children will choose abusive partners for themselves because they’ll gravitate towards that as it’s their familiar and their normal, the only life they know. Unless of course you find strength to get them out of this. They are still young snd it’s not too late Good luck in finding your strength and doing the right thing |
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HD7970GHZ, MrsA
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MsLady
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Poohbah
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#27
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On one hand, I'm happy to hear her say so since it's a healthy and normal thing to do. On the other hand, it's crossed my mind that she's now feeling sorry for him because "mom is mean to dad". He asked me what I thought about why she's had a change of heart. He'll hug me in front of them to show her he's an affectionate dad.. but it makes me uncomfortable and I suspect she notices that, too. It's a win-win scenario for him. Since then, he's continued with the labels and looks for her reaction. He's messing with her head, I think. Although, I was surprised last night when she told me she loved me "more than dad".. kind of worried she said it in front of him, too, because that could provoke further "discussions" from dad. Maybe I'm over thinking here but with his patterns, nothing sounds too far-fetched. Quote:
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
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#28
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I'm kind of the rock in this family when it comes to important decisions, conscientious thinking, parenting strategies, safety planning, etc. He's said the same. He doesn't think in the same way and when trouble isn't brewing, he's pretty receptive to my ideas and strategies, and is on board. The problem is, there's no consistency from him.. even over a basic safety plan or privacy issue. What I won't know scares me. So, like I said, if I teach them about boundaries and tools to advocate/protect themselves with, I'm hoping dad will be more on guard and careful on how he proceeds with the girls. When it comes to the name-calling, I need a catch-phrase to teach them that it's not acceptable without escalating dad. Thoughts? |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#29
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Children learn by what they see and observe. Telling them that this isn’t acceptable while you are accepting it, is very confusing for young children. At this age they don’t really learn by what you tell them, they learn by what they observe. Sadly these repeated declaration of love and changing what she says is the sign of her being very confused and trying to build alliances with each parent as well as subconsciously trying to calm her own anxiety and discomfort. Sure you should tell her that name calling is bad but sadly it will confuse her even more. If it’s unacceptable why is it accepted in your home. That sort of things. Last edited by divine1966; Apr 10, 2020 at 10:33 AM.. Reason: Autocorrect typo |
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HD7970GHZ, MsLady
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
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#30
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I'm trying to normalize our situation as much as I can by focussing on positive things like our beautiful daily walks, our craft hobbies, book times, etc. We also switch off with each other so I'll take our dog for walks or I'll stop off at the store. I just want to limit 'my' time with dad and when we are together as a family, I'm trying to distract everyone with fun activities. A lot of the toxic conversations we've had has been done via text. Now I'm no longer participating in that, either. I'm hoping my efforts will rub off on everyone and keep the peace for now. As for my daughter, you're likely bang on and it breaks my heart. She is an anxious child. That's one of my biggest concerns about leaving. It'll heighten her anxieties. She's very attached to me. It'll affect her if she's "forced" to live with dad for a week. It makes me anxious, too. They are both so little. Breaking up now will tear us apart and my littles will be living part time with the abuser. I can't stomach that. |
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divine1966, HD7970GHZ
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#31
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MrsA
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HD7970GHZ, MsLady
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#32
I completely understand this. I'll just add this in here. My ex made me feel guilty for everything, and he often would put me down, while also telling me I am crazy when I reacted to anything he said to me. For a very long time, I was blind and truly thought I was crazy and that something was wrong with me. Felt alone pretty much through out our entire relationship and I realized now as I looked back.... that I was the only one trying to make the effort and would held the relationship together. Until one day, I just stopped putting any effort in because I got tired of being taken advantage by him and treated poorly by him. All in time, the person who is being abused will eventually get out because something will add up to your just tired of it all and sick of being the doormat. So you finally stand up for yourself and leave. The moment I stood up for myself, it was over, it was done, because he knew he couldn't manipulate me anymore.
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HD7970GHZ, MsLady, Open Eyes
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HD7970GHZ
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#33
Thanks for sharing....
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HD7970GHZ
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HD7970GHZ
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Member Since Nov 2015
Location: New York
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#34
“I was just trying to explain myself (defend myself) over something he took offense to.”
A partnership is where two people commit to being together, working out problems together, and communicating. A relationship with an abuser is just one mind game after another. You’re trying to explain yourself, defend yourself, communicate truth and emotions? That’s nice. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court—or at least in a future argument. The abuser is just using your raw emotional state to play mind games. You have to stop thinking that you can defend yourself: it won’t stop the endless verbal attacks against you. You have to stop thinking that explaining yourself is communicating—the abuser isn’t intersted in listening and is just picking out the bits that can be used against you. I’m sorry: I know all that sounds harsh to say. You deserve a real relationship with someone who cares about you and understands how to communicate and wants to do that. But abusers can’t have partnerships: they don’t know how. They just have controlling relationships. |
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Have Hope, HD7970GHZ, MsLady, TishaBuv
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2020
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#35
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I feel like I'm just starting to gain some of my confidence back.. and it's (not surprisingly) making him uncomfortable.. asking me if I've met someone new because I'm taking our dog for walks more often. I'm also able to see his actions a little bit more clearly. The insecurities are his and he's been trying to tell everyone it was me. |
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Fuzzybear, Have Hope, HD7970GHZ
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#36
Some of these people make me wanna ****ing throw up
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Have Hope, HD7970GHZ
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MrMoose, MsLady
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Grand Poohbah
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#37
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Hi Fuzzybear, I agree! There are many abusers who continue to abuse vulnerable people with impunity. Darvo smear campaign tactics are their go-to methodology; that is why we must inform and educate others on these subjects so that they can protect themselves. Thanks, HD7970ghz __________________ "stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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TishaBuv
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Grand Poohbah
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#38
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Hi MrMoose, This is absolutely accurate and thank you for providing this insight to us. I absolutely love and appreciate it! I think your paragraph ought to be given to anyone experiencing Narcissistic abuse injuries - especially those who are surrounded by Narcissists and look to become healthy and replace them with healthier alternatives. Thanks, HD7970ghz __________________ "stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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MrMoose
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#39
Abusers know how to manipulate. This is quite common with abusers that they pretend they are the victim so they can get away with they do. My sister did that all the time. She would Tease me and threaten me in front of cousins, neighbours and in public so I would get mad so she could beat me up badly in front of them and then she would say I attacked her and she was just defending herself to my parents.
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HD7970GHZ
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HD7970GHZ
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2013
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#40
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Thank you so much for sharing your horror story. How have you been able to cope with this? Have you found that avoiding your abusers and refusing to react to their abuse has minimized the negative impacts of their Darvo smear campaigns? I imagine that you have tried desperately to get through to them - only for it to get worse. Am I wrong in assuming this? Unfortunately so many of us have no choice but to go no contact with these kinds of abusers because there is literally no way to gain our power back when the entire family dynamic tends to believe and protect them. Sadly this leaves us alone and without familial supports, which is heartbreaking. I hope that you haven't had to do such drastic things to protect yourself. Thanks, HD7970ghz __________________ "stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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Abusedbysister, MsLady
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