[MrsA]

I think I am at a point where I have to refuse to work. My sister/business partner persuaded me to make face masks to sell from one of our online businesses. She's been nicer since we have money coming in and I've been working long hours to make the masks. This week, she won't let me have $20 for something we need for the house.

She keeps spending hundreds of dollars to buy fabrics and elastics in pretty colors. She also spends a lot mailing our masks as gifts to people she likes. Butnshe won't let me have any money and I can't buy things mysef because she maxed out my credit cards. She has hoarded so much fabric that I can't reach mt clean clothes, because the work stuff has to go in ky bedroom because the rest of the house is too filthy, and she still wants to buy more fabrics in new colors.

Things were better for a while after we had a huge fight a few months back, but now she's back to her old ways. I decided that I will make 10 masks a day but no more because I'm not going to work myself to death when I don't have basic human rights.

Right now I'm hoping coronavirus will take her out of my life because she always forgets social distancing. I'll just have to be careful not to let her infect me. Shenalways gets too close and brings shopping bags into my bedroom. Some people will think I'm terrible, but I just want her out of my life for good. Inwas working hard to trt ro get out of debt but it isn't worht it so long as she is in my life. And please don't tell me to just leave, I'm tired of explaining why I can't.

[MsLady]

MrsA,

Can I ask you why you're living with her? Is it possible for you to find your own place, cut off your credit cards, rebuild a business of your own, and one step at a time?

It's unsettling to hear that she has dirty laundry and dog feces all over her room, as well as say she's hoarding pretty fabrics to make face masks with for your business and friends. Somehow it doesn't sound sanitary, particularly during this coronavirus epidemic. Sounds like you've been gifted with a craft and she's raking in the money. Time to cut your losses.

I'm sorry to hear your story. I think it's time to start thinking about plan B and take care of yourself. Tap into your community resources.. something.

[MrsA]

I have been stuck because I don't have any money. I got into this mess when I was very young and can't find a way out. I can't afford a separate place to live and if I cut her off my credit cards, I won't have money to make the minimim payments.

I have been trying to find a new job for 5 years but I haven't been able to because of complicated reasons. And I have no work history or references being self employed for 15 years. She reports half the income as mine, but she decides how to spend the money which makes me really mad. She thinks it's beneficial to spend money giving gifts to people to get them to support our business, but if I want to spend a lot less on something that would benefit the family she gets nasty. So Tonight, I said that if I'm not allowed to buy what I need, I'm not making products that she will spend money shipping to other people as gifts.

Last year, I made changes to the house that cut our electric bill in half. This year, I want to do something similar and I only need $20 of materials and it would save us money imediately. She acts like I want to waste money on myself. She doesn't understand things like energy efficiency and electricity so she often does dangerous things like overloading extensions cords until they melt and using exposed wires on her bed. She also has regular tantrums because she keeps tripping the circuit breaker in her room by using too many appliances at the same time. My small project can even stop that problem, but she doesn't understand how simple stuff works so she thinks my home improvement projects are just a stupid hobby to waste money. I'm so sick of watching her pour money down the drain and keeping us in debt so I will never have enough money to get away from her.

Earlier she started one of her toxic rants in my bedroom so I told her to shut up or get out of my room and she accused me of being toxic. I've just felt trapped for years and I'm really hoping something will do her in. Sometimes when she goes out, I look at the weather forecast hoping there would be dangerous weather conditions. I'm just really stuck with no money and ruined credit and I have to keep working just to have a roof over my head and food for my dog. There is really no hope in my situation.

Now she's yelling at me to get my laundry from the washer.

[MsLady]

There are rooms you can rent out that are more affordable. Not sure where you live. There's training programs that help pay for school tuition to get you retrained in a new field. There are transition houses for women in abusive relationships.. I'd classify this as an "abusive relationship".. financially, emotionally, and psychologically.. and I think you mentioned physically, too.

If your credit cards are maxed out, talk with your bank and see if they can help you. Don't let her have access to them. Or, apply fir bankruptcy.

Sometimes the best solution is to hit rock bottom and start again.. without the abusers. When I left an abusive ex, I had a 6mo old, an expired maternity benefits, no job due to a move, and $30 in my bank. Scary times. I rose above it and have been financially secured ever since, 20years later. There's hope for you. It's hard. You just have to tell yourself that the hardship is TEMPORARY. Abuse will be PERMANENT if you continue on this path.

Remember, we are braver than we believe.

[MrsA]

Thanks for your suggestions @MsLady. It is complicated because I'm not just fending for myself. If it was just me I would probably have walked out already.

I did look for jobs on government websites that are supposed to help find employment. I think too many users may have crashed one of them while I was trying to use it. So I emailed one employment site to ask if they could help me find a job since I have a lot of skills and know several languages, but I have the lack of employment history'. I told them I can make sewing patterns and probably make a lot of medical supplies people need right now, so maybe that will interest them.

I have been trying for a long time and I think my state really sucks. I recently contacted HUD for help with housing and they sent me to an old website with broken links and there seems to be no offices open in my county. I looked at government employment websites again today because I remember someone on this forum telling me about places that do the things you described. So I'm tying to get in touch with the ones in my state and waiting for a response.

The ironic thing is that I'm actually well educated. I got into college without finishing high school and graduated with honors while memebrs of my family were actually calling up the school to try to stop me graduating because they hated me so much. My older sister was my one blind spot and she turned out the worst of them all. I have wanted to start my own business but there's still the problem of no money for webhosting and supplies and no income while learning new skills. I focused on developing sewing and crafting skills while my sister learned to do the website and business things so now she has control of the business and she claims to do more work than me and insults me a lot. I'm still hoping she will die of something. That would solve all my problems. I just csnt find another solution.

It makes me mad that she says I can't spend $20 unless she checks over all our accounting and bills and because we have taxes due. But she doesn't need to check if we have enough money before sending $100+ in gifts to people and the shipping costs alone is more than the money I asked for. So I see it as the money denied to me being spent on others for her social advantage.