Torn between my mother and my brother's family

Hello there,
I'm new here but I've been learning a lot from reading the articles and experiences published on this website for a number of years.

Me and my niece are sexual abuse survivors. We both have been seeing different (from each other) psychiatrists in recent years. I started in 2018 when I discovered that my niece and some family friends had been victim of the same person.

I was abused when I was very little. She was abused between the age of five-seven and started seeing a psychiatrist a few years ago. She's now twenty (never had a boyfriend), I'm fifty (quite a few boyfriends!). We both have low self-esteem and feel somewhat 'castrated'.

The abuser is my father who's her step-grandfather. He's the kind of macho who believes that women are either *****s or saints. He categorically denies what happened and says that he was misunderstood, he just wanted to show off. My mother is in denial, she minimises everything and believes that we should forgive him. My brother (his step-son) and I strongly suspect that she has been subjected to sexual abuse and manipulation herself even though we still consider her an accomplice. They are both in their mid-eighties and quite frail. She's four years older than him but has chosen to look after him. He has mobility issues and is incontinent. I talk to her almost every day. She says she has no choice and nowhere else to go. I offered her to live with me but she won't leave him/her birthplace.

Also, my brother has been in therapy for many years due to neglect, violent and mostly verbal abuse by my father. When little we used to sleep in bunk beds and he had to look after me since he was eight. However, he looks a bit lost when I try to jog his memory about what happened. His wife (my sister-in-law) has been very supportive towards us all this time but she wishes him and my mother dead.

All our psychiatrists stress the importance of not making contact with this man. I chose not to press charges because of his old age. I've been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication for a year and a half. I dread the possibility of my mother's passing before my father as I'm torn between feeling responsible, as his daughter, for looking after him and selfishly letting my relatives deal with the situation. They have been avoiding any kind of contact with me since they found out what happened to us. They resent having to look after my parents.

I have spent nine years between my mid-thirties and mid-forties totally romanceless, not even a fling. I have felt suicidal a few times. I have not been able to maintain a successful relationship with a partner, as I avoid commitment and keep moving from one country or even continent to another, constantly changing profession, often feeling worthless, occasionally. I have come to the realisation that either I'm not trusted by others or they treat me like someone who lives on a different planet. When I told my best friend, my mother and my brother's family about the abuse none of them believed me. Not even when it happened again in my early thirties. This time I reacted and threaten him. He looked possessed. My mother has been telling people that I am making things up, that I am unstable and she's been trying to convince my brother and our relatives that I've got strong imagination. Luckily, I value friendship before anything else, I have very good friends in my life who understand my situation and they believe in me. My niece and I have got closer in the last few years although she often distances herself probably to avoid bringing up bad memories.

My psychiatrist is very supportive and caring but the situation is at a standstill while time passes by. I find the time to live in the moment only when I am able to have a few drinks which is now rare because my current job doesn't allow it. I chain smoke and binge eat instead. I'll be reading your threads with compassion. Please feel free to give me some advice or ask for some if you think I can help. I believe that we can all heal some wounds and even be happier that those people who have not suffered as much

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I see that although this is just your third post you're an 9 year member. Plus you mentioned having learned a lot from reading articles & other members' experiences here. So I doubt there is anything of value I could add to that. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your thread. So I thought I would. My best wishes to you...