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HelloWorld95
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Default May 08, 2020 at 06:08 PM
  #1
I told my dad my emotions about my former stepmom who passed away years ago (after a long marriage) and it all got ignored. It’s like all the things she did to me were forgotten.

Now, I didn’t have a terrible upbringing. But there was constant emotional and mental abuse. I lived in fear from her and I expressed this along with other emotions to my dad, and he completely ignored them. I expressed him things I’ve kept trapped for my whole 24 years on earth. Same with my mom but she too says “I remember it differently”

She would spank me anywhere on the thigh or butt or open handed hit my head and yell “you stupid” and stuff like that. I got around to telling them all the pain I’ve felt from their parenting and all that was said was “I don’t remember. It didn’t happen like that. Do you remember how mean you were?”

I’ve been diagnosed with aspergers too.

It’s so gut wrenching that those were the remarks, because I spent so long feeling like that and remembering it for it to be dismissed. My mom did however say “I already apologised” but it doesn’t mean I forget.

My dad has been grieving my stepmom passing for 4 years now. But just because she died, it’s like I’m supposed to somehow magically get over all the damage she had done to me on multiple occasions (emotional and mental Damage only).

Don’t get me wrong, she had amazing moments where she showed her love, but she too was mentally ill (I never knew that until recently though).

My mom would tell me this “I love you. I just don’t like you” and now, that’s how I feel about both my mom and stepmom (who passed 4 years ago). My dad has always been that star in my life whereas my mom and stepmom always had a rocky relationship.

This sucks so much I kept this in for so long and this is the response they both gave. But figures, when I came out as gay, my mom made sure I knew she doesn’t like my “choice”. Yet for me, I never saw it as a choice, just me finally accepting me cause trust me, I was trying hard to live life straight. Tried to pray it away since I was 12, every night crying about it 2-3x a week. And after going through that for so long I finally came out at 24 (6 months ago)and she just said “you know what the bible says”. Anywho this isn’t about that (as I can imagine many others feel the same way as my parents). Just goes to show I should’ve expected their response like that (my dad accepted new fully btw)
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Smile May 10, 2020 at 02:43 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing your experiences. My parents are long-since deceased but, while they were alive, I never told them anything about anything that went on with me growing up. Somehow I learned very early in life they just wouldn't want to hear it & would simply brush it off or blame it all on me. (I still just keep it all to myself.)

I suppose a lot of us, here on PC, have had experiences similar to what you describe. And that's probably a big part of why people turn to mental health therapists... because no one else wants to hear it. It sounds as though your dad has accepted your sexual orientation though. So that, at least, is a good thing.

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Default May 12, 2020 at 12:46 AM
  #3
I'm not sure how old you are but back then spanking was a socially acceptable form of discipline. It's not right or ok but I bet they don't understand it as that. They probably believe they tried their best in raising you.

I'm sorry your feelings were not validated. It took a lot of courage for you to open yourself up, for only to feel worse than before. That really sucks. It's a good thing for forums and therapists we can utilize that can help us work through some of the pain.

As far as your sexual orientation, I'm in full support of the LGBT community. I'm waving my flag for you. Your parents come from a different life and don't understand it. Be you. In time they will have processed it and even if they don't like it, may accept it, regardless.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 02:35 AM
  #4
I'm sorry your did not get the acceptance and peace. Very often abusers forget or pretend to forget the hurt they do as it's too overwhelming for them to see the pain they are doing. I'm going through the same stuff with my abusive parents . No matter what I try to talk about, they just pretent that nothing like that has happened or they never bring it up in following conversations and pretend as if even no conversations have happened. I have to seek support from therapist otherwise I doubt my own sanity. I always question myself whether all that happened really happened or is it a fruit of my fantasy. Also I try to diminish the hurt, or try to normalize it.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 10:34 AM
  #5
Thanks for this and sorry for this.. I think it is quite common for the abuser and the people who knew about the abuse and did nothing to brush off the abuse or worse blame the victim for it. My parents always either blamed me for the abuse that my sister inflicted on me (I.e,, why you are not man enough to stand up to your sister) or brushed it off as a normal sibling rivalry. People ask me if we ever talk about it, and of course, if I raise it, I will get the same response. So, I never bother to bring it up.
I can relate to you being a member of LGBT, because I struggled with it for a while. I think I am now comfortable with who I am.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 06:11 PM
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Default May 30, 2020 at 10:16 AM
  #7
Hi HelloWorld95,

I can relate a bit to your experiences. ...I consider my self either borderline Aspie or actually Aspie... As in the (new) Female type of Aspergers. I self diagnosed based on a checklist I found on an as yet unofficial checklist done by Tania Ann Marshall at her Wordpress site. Sadly, she seems to have changed that checklist and I don't really know why. I still fit most of the traits she lists, but the ones she had up a year or two ago before she changed it fit me even more so .... In any case, one of the things she mentioned or Rudy Simone did, was about Aspie Girls (Aspergirls) not feeling liked, even if they may feel loved. ...This is just like what your mother actually said to you. It's tough. I have felt this from more than a few people in my family.
...I also consider my self to have Codependency issues, and Narcissistic abuse issues. ...So far, I certainly find good (better) therapy from books on this subject (I use self help books on Shame, Codependency and dealing with Narcissistic Abuse ...books like "Shame and Codepency" by Darlene Lancer, Les Carter's books on dealing with narcissists, and there are various others). I also do a meditation that combines Inner Child work with Focusing therapy. The first you can also get books on (like the art therapy book by Lucia Capacchione, that details methods to get in touch with and then reparent your "inner child") . Focusing, now suddenly popular with therapists somehow, has been around for decades and is based on curing issues by getting the person to tap into empotions as stored in their body. Somehow this helps with processing feelings. The meditation I do combines these two therapies, I believe, and also involves some sort of giving up of a problem "to angels" who "take it away" ....this might sound simplistic or ridiculous even, but I have had at least one major breakthrough precisely at this point in time of the meditation (it is an audio). You can find a version of the basic meditation on you tube and record your own based on it to listen to or follow it on youtube. ...I think this step with "the angels" is possibly like one of the 12 steps in AA, which is about surrendering to having a(n incurable) problem. At least I believe it works to possibly get a person to accept the limits to their own perception, so that they can start to open to a bigger picture of the situation that they are in, and thereby a solution at last. Otherwise we tend to unintentionally repeat the same thing.
I say all the above, not to bore you, but because the above therapies could help you with your own situation.
It is also possible that some of your family have some narcissistic traits. I think that mine do, and that (at least in my family) there is even probably a connection between narcissism and autism. ...Otherwise they could still do some work on their empathy levels. ...In lieu of their issues, you can only ever change yourself. So working on validating your own feelings ...which you don't seem to be getting from your family... and in my experience, those who act abusively rarely own up to it (sometimes they may, but usually they won't). That's also why families can mess so much with you because a part of you is like a little kid still, totally dependent on them ...yet if they don't unconditionally love you, if they abuse you... that messes with you big time.
I've had to do this with my father. And also with my family. It was VERY difficult. ...Without that meditation I mentioned, I would probably still be stuck at an earlier point, instead of having made a really great breakthrough in forgiving and moving past what my father and family did ...I can believe in my own perception of what happened and what is right, instead of needing them to validate it. ...Some people just cannot acquire the empathy for this.
I also read a lot of books on abuse, narcissism and abuse in families... I liked Alice Miller's work, eventhough it didn't offer a cure, it helped me to understand how entrenched emotional abuse is in the world at large and to understand why then people act like it is and/or was ok. And that one is not a whinger for having issues for how they were treated. Instead, parents usually repeat similar treatment that was done to them. And most people aren't emotionally intelligent enough to really call others out on it. ...This helps to validate one's individual experience... as in: Just because the group says it's this way, does not make them right.
....The latter has been a big lesson for me. One's entire family can ABSOLUTELY be dysfunctional and wrong in how they act and think and treat others. ...Mine functions similar to a cult actually! ...But I also think that this group think issue is especially an issue in one's family where there is a strong desire to be loved. ...I also got a lot from reading a particular book called "Leaving Home" by David Celani, and he details how hard it is to get away from your family mistreatment/lack of love. In particular, he emphasised that his patients' finding a surrogate parent was crucial to them moving on from issues that they had with their parents as opposed to recreating them with others or otherwise remaining literally 'stuck' at home. I appreciated the compassion he showed and the ability to see past the facade many people have to what is really going on for them. In the words of my therapist, apparently few people actually get past issues with their parents. ....I found a surrogate family at a wonderful workplace, and they basically cured my of an anxiety disorder. ...My family have played a significant part of my anxiety problems.

...Anyhow, I've said a lot. Hugs from me. You're not alone. ...oh, if looking into Codependency/Shame interests you, you can also consider Codependents Anonymous. I have been to a few meetings (before Covid) ....plenty of people who are trying to heal from rejecting parents there!! Woah. I was a little shocked in fact.
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