Hi everyone! I’m not sure how this works...

...but I have written down how I have been feeling in the hope I can get some advice on what I may be suffering with from a professional or someone going through similar/the same.

Symptoms

Overthinking/analysing: to a very unhealthy degree, for example if I’ve messaged a friend and they haven’t responded I may check to see when they were last online or if they have posted anything then I will get angry or upset if they’ve not replied to me and have actually begun to have outbursts of this sort to friends. I will notice if certain people have stopped liking my photos and obsess over what I’ve done to offend them or them to dislike me all of a sudden. The new narrative in my head (further explained below) is that their jealous of me which is why they don’t like me.

I care a lot about what others think of me. Always think people don’t like me and need constant reassurance. Desperate to be loved and liked and Im beginning to think it shows.

Jealousy: I get very jealous of people’s relationships with their other friends especially. Wonder why I’m no ones number 1 or go to person or why I feel generally left out always or unwanted. I can also get jealous of people’s social status, especially if I have met them and they’ve just not clicked with me for whatever reason but wonder why everyone else loves them so much as they weren’t that great and nice when I met them. I then get more annoyed seeing the interactions between these people.

There is also a voice in my head that sometimes decides everyone is jealous of me and that’s why I’m not so close with anyone. But I find hard to admit because outerly I feel extremely self conscious about the way I look and the way people think of me and perceive me. I almost strive to be absolutely perfect (whatever my idea of that is) 100% of the time and sometimes Im telling myself I’m too good for these people that’s why we never became close.

Irritability/anger: generally I try and be a very calm person, but feel sometimes I lash out in anger (never ever violently, I have only ever self harmed through anger. I could not imagine purposely hurting another human being, ever) I can have mood swings where I just could literally be annoyed by the way someone asked a question if I thought it sounded dumb. The closer the person the more likely I am to make this known. I have a lot of regret after being rude to people always and makes me want to avoid them all together to not keep being rude.

Mood swings: I can go from feeling amazing to wanting to cry. This usually seems out of the blue but am slowly realising it is a result of my overthinking usually. Like if a friend didn’t respond to a part of the message that I felt was important I would get severely upset later and put it down to them not caring enough to even read my message proper.

I feel like I wake up feeling like different people each day, some days feel the positive bubble and try hard and carry on some days I wake up and decide I just feel so outright awful before I’ve even got up. Have spend days in bed crying and I couldn’t even tell you what over now, as clearly wasn’t that important to be having such an impact on my life.

Anxiety: very much linked with the uncontrollable overthinking, worrying far too much about the future of if something bad is going to happen. Always going to worst case scenario in my head. Unable to relax and watch television sit still concentrate on something. Flitter from one thing to another constantly.
Does anyone else have the thoughts for example walking down the stairs like imagine if I just fell now or when I use a gas oven imagine the whole house setting on fire then even play out in my head what could happen in these scenarios before telling myself to stop being so stupid.

Change: get extremely upset if plans change. Minor or major. I’ve got annoyed with my Nan because she said in the supermarket she wanted hot dogs but then when we was home said she didn’t. I KNOW this is not normal!! I don’t consciously but feel I must subconsciously plan things to such an extent in my head I get annoyed or upset when something so minor changes. This is as worst as dropping out of holidays with friends because the plans have changed, getting really upset or annoyed with my mates if we agreed to have dinner together for example and they ate before instead without telling me first.



I’m now 24.

I think the hardest part of all of this is how aware I am of it all. It’s not subconscious and I’m being told I’m doing it I am very self aware and feel extreme guilt and anger towards myself and desperately want to be able to function and have normal relationships with people.

Dear Clairetheconfused,

I am very, very sorry you are suffering. It is utterly heartbreaking what you have gone through and are still going through. You have endured so much. I think you are really heroic.

Since I am not a physician or medical professional I really do not know much about things. The human brain is so mysterious and does so many things that surprise us or make us uncomfortable. I believe, and I could be quite wrong, that abuse does damage to the brain and it cries out for help in our thoughts and feelings. You seem extremely aware of what your brain is doing. Most people do not have that level of awareness in my opinion.

Although my circumstances are quite different than yours, I was helped enormously by medication and therapy. It was a long road for me. Hopefully many people here will see your post and respond to you with compassion and understanding, encouragement and consolation and good ideas. People who have not suffered the things you have suffered cannot really understand. I think the real heroes in life are people like you. Wish I knew how to be helpful to you since I really admire you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thank you so much for your kind response.

I hope I can have some clarity then maybe point in the right direction with all of this.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety over 10 years ago but I do not feel like this reflects my current mind state. I’m wondering if I am now suffering from another mental disorder due to all of this. I just want to feel stable and strong again like I once was!

I completely agree with the thought that abuse damages the brain. I have been reading some studies.

I have always been intuitive and self aware which is a blessing and a pain at the same time. Wish I was “away with the fairies” as they say sometimes haha.

I’m so glad to hear you are on a path to healing due to medication and therapy.

Good luck for the future and I hope your journey continues a positive one always

Reminds me of bipolar disorder. Consider taking to a pdoc

Thanks so much for your input!

I am certainly planning on seeing a doctor about this once we are allowed to as I don’t feel comfortable telling someone these issues over the phone then then typing it into a computer I want it to be more personal than that I’m really opening up.

Look forward to seeing if anyone else has any idea what they think this might be in the meantime.

I am sorry you have some many things going on & I can literally feel the pain you are in, I have most of the same troubles as well(no suicidal thoughts though). At times the feeling of being so out of control of your own emotions if terrifying. It happens to me often. You are not alone! Honestly for the first time in a long time, I do not feel alone reading your thread.

I am not licensed in anyway shape or form, but I would be happy to chat anytime. It would be nice to talk to someone who has the similar responses. Best wishes to you on your journey.