[jimirose28]

I'm sixteen and my whole life until last year I never stood up to my mom, disagreed with her, got in fights with her, and tried my hardest not to make her mad. Up until last year I was consistently in toxic friendships, where the other person (always a girl) would try to control me, limit what I said, punish me if I disagreed, and isolate me from other friends or my family. Back then my mom and I were like two peas in a pod, ganging up on my dad and making fun of him relentlessly, me confiding in her and gossiping about my friends and what annoyed me about them, or me giving her advice on her marriage with my dad or dealing with my half- brothers who came from my dad's first marriage. The two half-brothers don't live with us.
My mom and I were very similar, or so I thought, until I ended my last toxic friendship in June of 2019. This friend emotionally and verbally abused me so much that I self-harmed and fell into many depressive episodes and breakdowns. I was so busy trying to keep this girl happy that I completely forgot about caring for myself and realizing that I needed boundaries. After I ended the friendship I was left with mild PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and trust issues. I didn't realize, however, how much I would change into a much stronger person a result of this friendship.
Instead of being the quiet, submissive child that I always had been, the kid that my mom always described as "easy" or "perfect", I began to find my voice. This meant that whenever I disagreed with someone I spoke up. I never thought that my mom was the person behind my habit of being attracted to manipulative and immature people who expected me to give up my individuality. As I began to stand up to her I realized that she didn't know how to cope. She victimizes herself in situations where I've expressed my pain to the point where my feelings don't seem to matter to her. She humiliates me in front of others and competes with me for attention until I simply get too drained to talk. In group settings she answers questions I'm asked, acting like she knows better about my own life. She'll get defensive if I say "I don't like that anymore" and she'll say "that's new" and refer to how I used to like it when I was 4 years old. She constantly makes cracks about my weight or other things about what I wear. The clothes I wear often are tight and I think it makes her jealous or insecure which as a result makes me feel bad for looking the way I do.
Two days ago my mom and I got in a fight where she wanted me to not say my opinion if she was arguing with my dad, even though they were arguing about college prep classes for ME. She said how if I hadn't butted in the conversation wouldn't have ended. She said how I sucked up to my dad because I agreed with him. She kept on asking why I interrupted her (she always makes this argument) even though she cusses constantly at me and interrupts me. Yesterday I went in to talk to her to ask to get professional help with our relationship and she kept saying how hurt she was and how I was tearing her apart. As I said me too she didn't seem to listen. In contrast to before, she said I am "I lot to handle". I know very well I'm not. It was like she had her own narrative in her head and no matter how loud I screamed or cried I couldn't get her to wake up and realize the amount of pain she caused and is causing me. It was like one of those movies where the character is a ghost and they're talking to a live person but the person can't hear them like the main character is muted. I asked her about 5 times "please can we get help" and even after I gave examples she would say that she doesn't see what's broken or what's wrong. At one point I screamed "you're so selfish" and she said, "get out". I kept on saying "or what" and we went back and forth. She was closing the door on me and I held it open and said "do you want our relationship to be ****** forever?" She said "get out" again and closed the door.
I'm so tired of being forced to be mature and be the stable one. I'm sick of being punished for having emotions. I'm scared to even look at her and the thought of talking to her as if everything's fine makes me sick. I'm past the point where I can forgive her. I've talked to people about this and they said you have to forgive her she's your mom. She's not treating me like her daughter she's treating me like I'm a bully on the opposite side trying to destroy her. I told her all I want is for us to love and appreciate eachother the right way. She doesn't want to wake up and I'm so drained from waiting for her. I never thought I'd have to protect myself from my own mom.

[Skeezyks]

Hello jimirose: I believe this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Relationships & Communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Delphini]

Hi,
I've also experienced waking up to dysfunction in my self and my relationships and it can be quite alienating as you lose relationships that were a major part of your support. It's also tough to realise that some of these people not only aren't willing to change with us, but will in fact up the ante and try to devalue a person once they start to get more backbone.
I in fact was on the receiving end of such a barrage of abuse from a tutor, no less, that I opted out of continuing study at a college because this individual had her colleagues under her thumb. This person did not like that I was gaining confidence and did her best to undermine this in me ..exagerating flaws I had to condone her own hidden agenda.
It also set me down something of a depression, which I came out of by committing to not letting this person f*** with me anymore than they already had.
...I then looked into finding proper therapy (all via on line in various ways) to deal with this... And also found out about Narcissism, narcissistic abuse and Codependeny.
I also do an emotion body based type of therapy that has really been helping me deal with intense emotions, called NARP my Melanie Tonya Evans. But therapists also do this more nowadays as body trauma sort of work seems to be popular. I also bought the book "Focusing" (Gene Gendlin, who was a pioneer of this type of therapy).
I also read books on recovering from codependency. Which I think would be relevant to you also.
You can look into joining Codependents Anonymous groups to, which are for people who are interested in recovering from dysfunctional relationships.
BUt also just check out the many videos on youtube on Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse, like Les Carter's "Surviving Narcissism", Ross Rosenberg (who also details steps a person goes through to emotionall evolve past narcissists, and one step is when they narcissist lashes out at you for gainging more independence!!), Jerry Wise and others.
It'd be good to reach out and find others to talk to, especially healthy others. If you can find a good therapist who isn't manipulative (since they are people also, and some are) this would be great. Getting away from unhealthy people could help a lot. ....I find this help from a counselor I talk to, but also simply from the books and youtube videos I learn from. ....Les Carter and Jerry Wise are excellent mentors. ...So finding people who can act a bit like a shepherd showing the way through to the other side and to healthier ways of being. You clearly have started already to do this yourself, but it definetly helps to have guides who can help.
Best of luck.

[MsLady]

Stay strong. I very much relate with this. I was the quiet child and the good listener. I was easy going and the perfect audience member. I always knew when to stop talking, when to smile, laugh, and validate through body language. And like you, I became a ghost. In my family, I wasn't allowed to speak without being interrupted. I wasn't allowed to have my own opinion without being hurt in some form or yelled at. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings without consequences of some type. I developed toxic relationships or relationships with good meaning friends who were chatterboxes, again being that perfect audience member.

When I was approaching 40!! I started speaking up for myself with my family. Suddenly I became the trouble maker. The secretive, cold-hearted, and selfish one. Explaining anything to my mom proved to make no difference at all.. whether verbal or via text. She remained to be the victim in all circumstances and advised her children to seek professional help to deal with whatever is going on with us. She will forever be in great denial and will never listen long enough to understand my perspective on anything. If I had anything positive going on in my life, I wasn't allowed to enjoy it or share it because of all the hardships everyone else was going through in their own personal lives. How dare I share I bought a puppy!! It's now time I start "thinking about others for a change."

My point is, sometimes it's best to work this out within yourself and limit the relationship you have with your mom. It won't be easy because she'll likely warp others against you so she can be seen as the victim by everyone else. Professional support is important. I've never done that for myself with regards to my upbringing. I should.

I was told by my new therapist the other day, we can't force someone to learn, to have empathy for, to understand, or to see things from our perspective. This struck a chord with me. I spent many unsuccessful YEARS just trying to get someone to understand my perspective and feelings. I've been beating a dead horse for so long and without resolution. Without any gains. It's defeating. It's fed into my sense of hopelessness and anxieties.

As I've said, stay strong. Seek professional advice. Read a lot. And continue to have that VOICE. You are entitled to participate in real life as the person YOU are. Big hugs to you.