[tryingtorreslove]

Hello,
I don't want to feel angry anymore, i don't want to feel hurt and I don't want this to keep bothering me, but I don't know how to move on.
I am 23 years old and have suffered abuse from my older sister my whole life. I hope this is not too long of a post and doesn't violate any community guidelines.
I guess I really have to start at the beginning: when we were children my sister would physically abuse me by punching. She would punch me then say "oops reflexes" and my parents would tell me it was just reflexes and it was my fault i got too close to her or startled her.

Possible trigger:

Then when I was 7 years old my sister broke my foot by standing on it and pushing me down. My parents didn't believe me that I was in pain and didn't take me to the hospital until a day or two later when I still couldn't walk.
When I was 9 years old my sister started being sexual towards me, she would make me watch movies that contained sex scenes. She would then touch and kiss me and tell me "this is what boys will do to you". We shared a room so it was easy for her to do so.
When I was 12 we moved to a new house and I shared a room with my little sister and learned that she was also being abused by our older sister. I was disgusted that it had happened to her as well. Our older sister is 6 years older than her.
One day when I was 14 or 15 I was on my bed on my back just staring at the ceiling when my older sister walked in got on top of me and started strangling me. It all happened so fast and I remember I was struggling, kicking my legs and trying to pull her hands off of my neck and she was growling kinda maybe grunting and pushing down on my neck with all her weight as she was strangling me. I could see all her teeth and her face was getting really red. Suddenly I felt something wet on my face and it landed in my mouth because I was screaming. I thought it was drool but it was blood, her nose started bleeding. I guess it shocked her because she got up and left holding her nose. At this point I was crying, I guess I had been crying the whole time and I was covered in her blood and in pain and just very scared.
I didn't tell my parents, I started to self harm as a way to cope with the abuse. For some reason my parents always believed my older sister over me so i would always get in trouble for things she would do. I got sent to bed hungry many times and was grounded so many more times than that.
Somehow I became the bad guy, the scapegoat and my whole family treated me like I was this evil person. They would all yell at me so much, one day when they were all yelling at me I locked myself in the bathroom and attempted suicide. I couldn't take it.
When I was 13 my older sister started having seizures and all my parents cared about was her. They stopped taking care of the rest of their children (me,13, my little sister, 10, and my little brother, 3). I had to become the parent figure, I cooked breakfast and dinner for my little siblings and did the best i could to take care of them. This continued for the next 2 or 3 years until she was diagnosed with epilepsy and on the proper medication.
I feel like my childhood was ripped away and I hate her for that. I had to raise myself and my two little siblings. It felt so lonely and I didn't know what to do. At least she didn't abuse us anymore. She instead focused her energy on abusing young boys she met on the internet. That got pretty ugly and the cops were involved and there was a threat of prison.
We live in the same house now we bought a house together 4 years ago. I thought it was a better idea than being homeless. Well 2 years ago she started telling people that she wanted me out of the house and that I wouldn' t take the hint. Well an argument escalated. While I was in the bathroom she throws the door opened and yells “you want to know what I really think about you?!” and she started hitting really hard in the head with a bottle of lemon juice. She then opened the bottle of lemon juice and starts spraying it all over me and getting it directly into my eyes hits me one more time once it was empty then leaves.
Then fast forward to last year in September, my sister starts yelling at my parents about something, they were arguing. She’s 25 at this time, then the next morning she was gone, without a trace. Her bedroom window was opened and she was just gone. My dad goes to the police it’s a terrible next few days. The cops say she isn’t a missing person and that she is an adult that left on her own accord. My little sister and I decide to read through her phone to try to figure out what happened. We find a lot of messages to a lot of different men. All asking if they would come rescue her and “make something happen” to our dad. One of the men responded with “he needs time to plan how to kill him” which she responded “if you don’t kill him he is going to kill me, he’s had years to plan my murder”. ( Our dad loves us and would never harm any of us.) WE find messages of her talking to a lot of people where she is talking about this Matt person and about how much she loves him and just wants to have sex with him. We finally find out the name Matt is using from messaging almost all of the people she was texting. So, we contact this Matt person and tell him she is missing, and he responds, “well she is a goddess, it’s no wonder she is with some other guy.” So then we have to find out what guy she is with. And we find pictures on her facebook of her and some guy engaging in sexual activities. She had snuck this man into the house without any of us knowing. Which made me feel very unsafe as none of the dogs even barked at him. How many times had there been unfamiliar men in the house. I felt very unsafe since we had had guests in the past that said they heard men’s voices in the house. How many people were in the house without us knowing?
Well we contact the guy she is with and he doesn’t respond to us at all so we contact all of his family listed on facebook and they respond saying they don’t even actually know him and that they are just labeled as family on facebook. Then we see that he has roommates and we contact them, they tell us that our sister is happier with them. A few days later she calls and says she is never coming back and that she is happy where she is. Which we respond ok that’s fine can you tell us where you are. Then the call disconnects. She then calls later and asks to speak to our little brother, who is 12 now, he gets off the phone in tears, and tells us she said he will never see her again and that she is just the little brother that no one likes.
I then start getting messages from her phones asking for my class schedule and what times I would be on campus. I didn’t respond because my sister should’ve already known what times I would be on campus. Then my parents start getting messages from her phone asking what grade our little brother is in and what school he goes too. Then they get messages asking which parks he plays at, and another message asking where he was going to go trick or treating. None of these questions were answered. Then the messages started coming in saying that our little brother wasn’t happy here and that he would be happier with them. SO my dad calls my sisters phone and the man answers, dad wants to know where his daughter is and the man says she’s there but he cant speak to her. Dad asks where they are and the call disconnects.
A few weeks later she shows up at home and tells us she wants to move back in. She tells us she missed her xbox and her privacy. It turns out the man she was with kicked her out. She was really confused about everything and was groaning about being in pain. I took her to the hospital and it turned out she was near kidney and liver failure because she was on a ton of drugs she was also malnourished and dehydrated because she hadn't eaten anything since she left home 5 weeks ago. She said she wasn't eating because she didn't feel hungry.
Well the next few days of her being back at home she was crying nonstop but she stopped as soon as Matt started talking to her again. And she acted like she never did what she did.
In mid November I found out I was pregnant and decided to tell my family even though it was early. My older sister then through a huge fit and started yelling crying that it wasn’t fair that I was pregnant and she wasn’t then she refused to talk to me and did everything in her power to stay busy instead of talking to anyone. Then when she finally did talk to me it was with my mom and little sister present and she said she never thought anything would ever come between us and she never thought that I would ever meet a man and move away. I didn’t have any plans to move away, I can’t afford that. I just announced that I was pregnant.
I told everyone I only wanted family to know but she told Matt. He then asked if the baby was my boyfriends. which was very offensive. They were then always talking about how they were going to take my baby and act like it was theirs. I did not like those comments. Then Matt told me he would never hold my baby because he didn't want to kill it. I really really hated that comment.
I then had a miscarriage in mid December and my sister told me she was going to have to return all the baby gifts her and Matt bought and she was mad because she just got used to the idea of having a baby around, it was really insensitive.
Then Matt moved in and they were constantly going out. My older sister would ask me if I wanted to go with them and when I said yes she would say ok but by the time I got my shoes on they would be gone. This happened a lot. I told them to stop inviting me out if they were just going to leave without me. they then all went out on a family day without me. They left before I woke, when they got back my little sister asked my why I didn't want to go. I told her I didn't even know they were going and she told me My older sister said that I didn't want to go.
Then on new years they told me we would go bowling since I was spending new years alone. Then they got home really late, at 11 pm and told me they were going to bed even though I had been waiting for them all day.
Now they are never apart. They even go to the bathroom together. I have tried talking to Matt and he started crying saying that my sister was going to break up with him because he was talking to me. And that he just wants to rescue her because she is not happy at home with us.
Then in march my sister told me she was at the hospital having a miscarriage. And she kept saying that now she had a miscarriage just like me. And I can't help but wonder if she purposely had a miscarriage. Since she had a gynecologist exam scheduled for a week before the miscarriage but she didn't go.

Then on my older sisters birthday we were going out to have a picnic with the family, she wanted me to ride in the car with her and Matt. Matt then would answer questions for my older sister and ultimately told me to get out of his car.
everything that my sister does is like a power play and now her and Matt are both treating me terribly. They also treat my boyfriend terribly and call him ugly and fat. Which is definitely not acceptable. She has moved out now but she is saying that she is going to come back next month because she is going to treat this house like her apartment. And I am dreading her coming back, especially since she will bring Matt with her. They won't buy their own groceries, they take too much food, second and third servings before anyone else has eaten and they keep having sex in the shower even though we have told them countless times not to do that in common areas.
It's like she is trying to prove to us that she is better because she has Matt. Because he took her back after everything that she did. It makes me feel terrible it's all just too much too soon. And it is bringing back all the terrible memories of how she has abused me in the past.
I just don't know what to do.

[Open Eyes]

You need to completely distance from this older sister. There is something seriously wrong with her, sociopath maybe? She enjoys abusing you and is obsessed with control. I think it's horrible that your parents give into her.

STAY AWAY from her, and do not go out with her either, she has proven to you many times now she doesn't care about you and wants to hurt you.

Honestly, sometimes a person's brain is wired badly and they don't have the ability to care or be normal. The only true resolve is to completely detach from someone who is very toxic like this.

[Skeezyks]

Hello tryingtorreslove: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I don't think there is a lot I can add to what Open Eyes has already said. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

There is, perhaps, a psychological explanation for why your sister is who she is. But that is something only a psychologist or a psychiatrist would be able to determine. The bottom line is, it seems to me, you can't "fix" your sister & you need to get as far away from her as possible as quickly as possible. (From what you wrote the two of you apparently own a house together. So presumably there are financial considerations. That certainly does make the situation all that much more complicated.)

Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that perhaps may help to shed some light on your sister's behavior & what you can / should do:

Differences Between a Psychopath vs Sociopath

6 Traits Of Female Sociopaths

3 Toxic Ways Female Narcissists and Sociopaths Terrorize Other Women

7 Things Covert Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths Do Differently

7 Gaslighting Phrases Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use To Silence You, Translated

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...rauma-bonding/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...urvivors-stay/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...rauma-bonding/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...ng-no-contact/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...dium=popular17

My best wishes to you. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by tryingtorreslove

Hello,
I don't want to feel angry anymore, i don't want to feel hurt and I don't want this to keep bothering me, but I don't know how to move on.
I am 23 years old and have suffered abuse from my older sister my whole life. I hope this is not too long of a post and doesn't violate any community guidelines.
I guess I really have to start at the beginning: when we were children my sister would physically abuse me by punching. She would punch me then say "oops reflexes" and my parents would tell me it was just reflexes and it was my fault i got too close to her or startled her.

Possible trigger:

Then when I was 7 years old my sister broke my foot by standing on it and pushing me down. My parents didn't believe me that I was in pain and didn't take me to the hospital until a day or two later when I still couldn't walk.
When I was 9 years old my sister started being sexual towards me, she would make me watch movies that contained sex scenes. She would then touch and kiss me and tell me "this is what boys will do to you". We shared a room so it was easy for her to do so.
When I was 12 we moved to a new house and I shared a room with my little sister and learned that she was also being abused by our older sister. I was disgusted that it had happened to her as well. Our older sister is 6 years older than her.
One day when I was 14 or 15 I was on my bed on my back just staring at the ceiling when my older sister walked in got on top of me and started strangling me. It all happened so fast and I remember I was struggling, kicking my legs and trying to pull her hands off of my neck and she was growling kinda maybe grunting and pushing down on my neck with all her weight as she was strangling me. I could see all her teeth and her face was getting really red. Suddenly I felt something wet on my face and it landed in my mouth because I was screaming. I thought it was drool but it was blood, her nose started bleeding. I guess it shocked her because she got up and left holding her nose. At this point I was crying, I guess I had been crying the whole time and I was covered in her blood and in pain and just very scared.
I didn't tell my parents, I started to self harm as a way to cope with the abuse. For some reason my parents always believed my older sister over me so i would always get in trouble for things she would do. I got sent to bed hungry many times and was grounded so many more times than that.
Somehow I became the bad guy, the scapegoat and my whole family treated me like I was this evil person. They would all yell at me so much, one day when they were all yelling at me I locked myself in the bathroom and attempted suicide. I couldn't take it.
When I was 13 my older sister started having seizures and all my parents cared about was her. They stopped taking care of the rest of their children (me,13, my little sister, 10, and my little brother, 3). I had to become the parent figure, I cooked breakfast and dinner for my little siblings and did the best i could to take care of them. This continued for the next 2 or 3 years until she was diagnosed with epilepsy and on the proper medication.
I feel like my childhood was ripped away and I hate her for that. I had to raise myself and my two little siblings. It felt so lonely and I didn't know what to do. At least she didn't abuse us anymore. She instead focused her energy on abusing young boys she met on the internet. That got pretty ugly and the cops were involved and there was a threat of prison.
We live in the same house now we bought a house together 4 years ago. I thought it was a better idea than being homeless. Well 2 years ago she started telling people that she wanted me out of the house and that I wouldn' t take the hint. Well an argument escalated. While I was in the bathroom she throws the door opened and yells “you want to know what I really think about you?!” and she started hitting really hard in the head with a bottle of lemon juice. She then opened the bottle of lemon juice and starts spraying it all over me and getting it directly into my eyes hits me one more time once it was empty then leaves.
Then fast forward to last year in September, my sister starts yelling at my parents about something, they were arguing. She’s 25 at this time, then the next morning she was gone, without a trace. Her bedroom window was opened and she was just gone. My dad goes to the police it’s a terrible next few days. The cops say she isn’t a missing person and that she is an adult that left on her own accord. My little sister and I decide to read through her phone to try to figure out what happened. We find a lot of messages to a lot of different men. All asking if they would come rescue her and “make something happen” to our dad. One of the men responded with “he needs time to plan how to kill him” which she responded “if you don’t kill him he is going to kill me, he’s had years to plan my murder”. ( Our dad loves us and would never harm any of us.) WE find messages of her talking to a lot of people where she is talking about this Matt person and about how much she loves him and just wants to have sex with him. We finally find out the name Matt is using from messaging almost all of the people she was texting. So, we contact this Matt person and tell him she is missing, and he responds, “well she is a goddess, it’s no wonder she is with some other guy.” So then we have to find out what guy she is with. And we find pictures on her facebook of her and some guy engaging in sexual activities. She had snuck this man into the house without any of us knowing. Which made me feel very unsafe as none of the dogs even barked at him. How many times had there been unfamiliar men in the house. I felt very unsafe since we had had guests in the past that said they heard men’s voices in the house. How many people were in the house without us knowing?
Well we contact the guy she is with and he doesn’t respond to us at all so we contact all of his family listed on facebook and they respond saying they don’t even actually know him and that they are just labeled as family on facebook. Then we see that he has roommates and we contact them, they tell us that our sister is happier with them. A few days later she calls and says she is never coming back and that she is happy where she is. Which we respond ok that’s fine can you tell us where you are. Then the call disconnects. She then calls later and asks to speak to our little brother, who is 12 now, he gets off the phone in tears, and tells us she said he will never see her again and that she is just the little brother that no one likes.
I then start getting messages from her phones asking for my class schedule and what times I would be on campus. I didn’t respond because my sister should’ve already known what times I would be on campus. Then my parents start getting messages from her phone asking what grade our little brother is in and what school he goes too. Then they get messages asking which parks he plays at, and another message asking where he was going to go trick or treating. None of these questions were answered. Then the messages started coming in saying that our little brother wasn’t happy here and that he would be happier with them. SO my dad calls my sisters phone and the man answers, dad wants to know where his daughter is and the man says she’s there but he cant speak to her. Dad asks where they are and the call disconnects.
A few weeks later she shows up at home and tells us she wants to move back in. She tells us she missed her xbox and her privacy. It turns out the man she was with kicked her out. She was really confused about everything and was groaning about being in pain. I took her to the hospital and it turned out she was near kidney and liver failure because she was on a ton of drugs she was also malnourished and dehydrated because she hadn't eaten anything since she left home 5 weeks ago. She said she wasn't eating because she didn't feel hungry.
Well the next few days of her being back at home she was crying nonstop but she stopped as soon as Matt started talking to her again. And she acted like she never did what she did.
In mid November I found out I was pregnant and decided to tell my family even though it was early. My older sister then through a huge fit and started yelling crying that it wasn’t fair that I was pregnant and she wasn’t then she refused to talk to me and did everything in her power to stay busy instead of talking to anyone. Then when she finally did talk to me it was with my mom and little sister present and she said she never thought anything would ever come between us and she never thought that I would ever meet a man and move away. I didn’t have any plans to move away, I can’t afford that. I just announced that I was pregnant.
I told everyone I only wanted family to know but she told Matt. He then asked if the baby was my boyfriends. which was very offensive. They were then always talking about how they were going to take my baby and act like it was theirs. I did not like those comments. Then Matt told me he would never hold my baby because he didn't want to kill it. I really really hated that comment.
I then had a miscarriage in mid December and my sister told me she was going to have to return all the baby gifts her and Matt bought and she was mad because she just got used to the idea of having a baby around, it was really insensitive.
Then Matt moved in and they were constantly going out. My older sister would ask me if I wanted to go with them and when I said yes she would say ok but by the time I got my shoes on they would be gone. This happened a lot. I told them to stop inviting me out if they were just going to leave without me. they then all went out on a family day without me. They left before I woke, when they got back my little sister asked my why I didn't want to go. I told her I didn't even know they were going and she told me My older sister said that I didn't want to go.
Then on new years they told me we would go bowling since I was spending new years alone. Then they got home really late, at 11 pm and told me they were going to bed even though I had been waiting for them all day.
Now they are never apart. They even go to the bathroom together. I have tried talking to Matt and he started crying saying that my sister was going to break up with him because he was talking to me. And that he just wants to rescue her because she is not happy at home with us.
Then in march my sister told me she was at the hospital having a miscarriage. And she kept saying that now she had a miscarriage just like me. And I can't help but wonder if she purposely had a miscarriage. Since she had a gynecologist exam scheduled for a week before the miscarriage but she didn't go.

Then on my older sisters birthday we were going out to have a picnic with the family, she wanted me to ride in the car with her and Matt. Matt then would answer questions for my older sister and ultimately told me to get out of his car.
everything that my sister does is like a power play and now her and Matt are both treating me terribly. They also treat my boyfriend terribly and call him ugly and fat. Which is definitely not acceptable. She has moved out now but she is saying that she is going to come back next month because she is going to treat this house like her apartment. And I am dreading her coming back, especially since she will bring Matt with her. They won't buy their own groceries, they take too much food, second and third servings before anyone else has eaten and they keep having sex in the shower even though we have told them countless times not to do that in common areas.
It's like she is trying to prove to us that she is better because she has Matt. Because he took her back after everything that she did. It makes me feel terrible it's all just too much too soon. And it is bringing back all the terrible memories of how she has abused me in the past.
I just don't know what to do.

Have you files restraining order against your sister and her boyfriend? Have you contacted social service and report her for abuse?

[MsLady]

Who all owns this house? Did you put any downpayment of your own? Why did you feel that buying a home with an abuser was better than being homeless? Do you have a job? Are rental properties sparse in your area?

I agree with the responses. There's something seriously wrong with your sister. It's beyond physical abuse. I can only guess what dx would suit her well. Point being, she's not going to change.

I'm a bit surprised by your responses in relation to the threats made against your baby (I'm truly sorry for your loss). You were in a very serious situation then. Not liking their comments doesn't even cut it. Please don't bring a baby into THIS house.

Do you live with your boyfriend, as well? Did he finance this house, too? Did he know about this history before agreeing to buy property?

I'd say get the heck OUT! Sell the place or rent it out. Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights, ASAP, now that she's not living with you. Get a restraining order on them both.

Your parents did not support you because they were undoubtedly afraid of her. They probably didn't know what to do. So instead of taking care of the situation as they SHOULD HAVE, they took the easy route and blamed you. Shame on them. I can imagine there's a lot of anger and resentment against them, too.

Big hugs to you and your bf.

[Abusedbysister]

Thanks for your message as I can relate to it. I was abused by my sister all my life. I agree with all the comments. It would be easier if you distance from your sister. That was my solution as she still thinks of me as a toy she can bully, and I am still scared of her. I live in a different city now or I would be treated like a slave. Finding a good therapist would also help with some of the emotional issues that we all go through as targets.

[Delphini]

Hello,
I am sorry but I found that hard to read: this is pretty serious abuse. ...I really think you need to be getting help dealing with this. Find a therapist to see, however often you can afford and make sure they have a decent understanding of recovering from such serious forms of abuse. Also, look into a support group. I think this would really help you.

Growing up in the family that you describe that has allowed your sister to do continual harm to you and your siblings, that is so damaging. ...My own experience of emotional abuse in my family has shown me how hard it is to undo the damage from abuse that is normalized/condoned in one's family: the victim's end up feeling like it was somehow ok.

I can only recommend getting proper help dealing with such abuse. But also, ESPECIALLY, that you put physical distance between you and this sister and also to your family to whatever degree needed. Children who sexually abuse other children considerably younger than them are, if I recall, are seriously disturbed.
Look into what you can legally do to bail out of sharing ownership of your house with your sister and move elsewhere and cut all ties with her.

Perhaps other than these ideas, also you could look at any books on subjects like recovering from abuse from sociopaths and psychopaths, which is what your sister probably fits into the category of. Otherwise a malignant narcissist. ....You could sample various books on these subjects on Kindle via Amazon and then buy the books as online kindles usually for much cheaper than a physical copy. One book I can think of is "Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship" by Adelyn Birch.

Also, I have my self been doing meditations that help process emotional pain ... These types of therapies seem to also be gaining popularity with therapists. Sometimes such therapy goes under names like "Focusing" (created by Gene Gendlin); I think also "Somatic therapy" may be another name. But anything that gets you to notice trauma and emotions you can sense in parts of your body ...for instance, you may notice that when a certain person spoke abusively to you once that you felt like you had been punched in your stomach... well, this is your body telling you the truth of your experience. ...From what I gather, in dysfunctional families, a child grows up being taught to disown their feelings and perceptions of what's happening... a total lack of validation in other words... and being abused like you have been by your older sibling AND having your parents disown your experience of being victimised by your sister, this would be very damaging. You have learned you cannot trust your own feelings. They have normalized your sister's abusive behaviour and therefore also been a part of it.

I do a meditations called NARP, that uses the body trauma work I mentioned along with Inner Child sort of therapy (which is also another you could consider... if you cannot afford therapy, you could purchase books on Inner Child therapy, but also any that are good in recovering from abuse in your family of origin) ....You can try this meditation for free on this youtube channel: Melanie Tonya Evans, under a heading "Shifts Happen" ....I bought her program (delivered online as a set of 10 lots of 3 meditations) but all of them follow the same basic format (they differ in having a different main focus, example "module 1's" set of 3 meditations are all based on the topic of Forgiveness, Module 2 might be simply about focusing on the pain you feel from the abuse...etc. ...If you could not afford the NARP program, you could try following the basic format and possibly record your own voice to act as your guided mediation. ...I have personally found these quite healing, and it has helped me for some times now to deal with hurt I have and get to build belief in my own experience of life so that I don't need validation from my family any more.

You could also look up youtube videos of anyone reputable, and see what they have to say about recovering from and protecting yourself from people who are disturbed like your sister clearly is, as well as your family who condone her behaviour while failing to protect you and your other siblings abused by her.

All the best.