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thejellolegend
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: amity
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Post May 11, 2020 at 03:53 PM
  #1
I’ll start from the beginning.

I was raised by my grandparents due to the fact that both my mother and father didn’t have their lives in order. My father had substance abuse issues followed by bipolar disorder. He eventually got himself straightened out, but not in time to be there as a parent for me. He and I have a decent relationship as “friends” more or less and I’ve forgiven him for whatever wrongdoings lay in the past.

I really don’t hold grudges, life is too short to spend it hating someone else. Typically I get over things pretty quickly, however this has not been the case when it comes to my mother. She has been a constant part of my life, even while living with my grandparents. She would live with them for awhile, then live somewhere else for awhile, she was always in and out.

My grandparents in an effort to strengthen the relationship between my mother and I, would have her take me out every weekend, as well as a few days a week during the summer, just to run errands. These “errands” used to be some of my favorite childhood memories. She would take me all over the place and I’d meet all sorts of different people. We’d go to the grocery store, the park, the pharmacy, loan places, job interviews, you name it. As a kid, I loved it, we got to ride around together and listen to music I normally wasn’t allowed to listen to. I got to drink sodas, and say things I normally wouldn’t be able to say. She was the “cool” mom to me back then. As a child, I didn’t really register all of the crazy things she did and how saddening they were.

I watched her hide cocaine in a card game and snort it off a mirror. I witnessed her several times overdose on prescription pain pills and had to get my grandparents to call the paramedics. She took me to a “friend’s” house one night where she was taken to the next room, raped at gunpoint, and had both of our lives threatened. A lot of these things at the time I didn’t understand. As an adult however, the past memories I had with my mother was changed from happiness, to extreme sadness. I’ve lost a part of my childhood and learned just how deep her betrayal went. I only had one side to the equation as a child, but now I have kids of my own and we will do something my Mom and I did, and I’ll remember a detail that didn’t make sense back then, but does now. I thought she loved taking me to the park, but it turns out she’d let me loose on the playground so that she could go use the payphone and call her drug dealer to meet her while I was playing. Things like that.

Fast forward a few years and I moved out of state with my grandparents and a year or so later my mother and stepdad followed. My dad stayed in Georgia, so again, my mother has been a pretty constant variable in my life, even while at a distance. Once I started getting around 14 to 15 years old, my relationship with my mother took a turn. The “Kid Goggles” started to lift and I started to actually see the motives behind what my mother did, and what she was actually doing instead of what she was saying she was doing. She stole money from me and my grandparents, she was constantly under the influence of drugs, and she even tried to get me to partake in the illicit use of illegal substances.

As I’ve grown older, my childhood has been slowly been poisoned as I’ve come to realize what went on. Those happy memories have been turned into sad depressing memories. Having kids myself has made this even worse because I couldn’t fathom doing that to my own children. 5 or so years ago she candidly told me she absolutely hated me as a child. Not disliked me, but said she literally hated me.

About two years ago, both she and my uncle overdosed and landed themselves in the hospital for 20 days. They somehow made it out of there alive and of course she pledged she’d change her life and she’d never do this again. About a month and a half later, they were both back in the hospital. This time though, my Uncle didn’t make it. Her and my Uncle have always been partners in crime. My Uncle and I despite his issues, never had a bad relationship. He never lied to me about what he was doing, and that’s all I’ve ever asked, is that someone try their best, and is truthful with me. My mother has never told me the truth about anything, unless it was several years after the fact.

My Uncle’s death is where my relationship with her really reached it’s limit. She helped him inject the drugs into his system, and then decided to leave him at her house alone so she could run to the store and grab a pack of smokes, right after having injected herself with the same lethal cocktail. She was found outside her car passed out in the parking lot before she could even walk in. My uncle was found 5 hours later in her bathroom with a broken arm and had soiled himself. I realize that he made the decision to do what he did, but she didn’t have to help him. Not only that, she left him after she did what she did. In my eyes, she’s as equally at fault for the death of my Uncle as he was.

She’s recovered from the overdose, but his death hasn’t seemed to have any effect on her decision making at all. What really hurts is that they were really close to one another. She continues to completely take advantage of my grandparent’s goodwill, and is the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my entire existence. There are so many things I’d like to say to that woman. Here’s where things really get complicated for me. I’m completely torn in two. I truly believe in forgiveness. I have faith in God and in Jesus (if you don't that's perfectly fine with me and there's no judgement here! ), and if Jesus could forgive me, I have no excuse not to forgive someone else. I have forgiven my mother for everything she’s done before my uncle’s death, but I have not been able to cross that bridge afterwards. The fact that his death has made no difference to her, yet they were so close, really hurts. How can you lose someone you’ve known all your life, and who was a part of your early formation, and brush it off as nothing.

She still continues to this day to hurt me and my grandparents with her actions. My grandparents seem to have gotten past this, but I have not. I’d love to yell at her, or tell her how angry I am with her, but then I’m no better than all of the other people she’s wronged standing in line to take a swing at her. I’m afraid what I may tell her, might cause her to take her own life. The only person she’s ever been able to stay clean for was me when she was pregnant with me. Aside from that, she’s been messed up before and after.

After my Uncle’s passing, I started having anxiety attacks regularly, and to this day struggle with depression several days a month. Some are better than others, but some days I wakeup depressed and the whole day is ruined until I go to bed. I owe it to my wife and children to be the best I can for them, and it’s not fair to them that they are receiving this version of me. I’m not a hateful person, and more than anything, I’m hurt and sad with a tinge of anger. I so far have been able to move past all the things my father did, and up to this point, my mother did, but for some reason I haven’t been able to get over this one. Any suggestions? I sincerely apologize for the length of this writing, but I felt some background was in order.
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Default May 12, 2020 at 08:42 AM
  #2
Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I would like to say that it is touching and sad, and similar with mine, but with less stages,
I have been raised with my grandmother, due to the separation of my parents in my very early years,
My mother wasn't a drug addicted person,
From your thread I concluded that you suffered in your childhood, and your mother didn't play a good role as moms do, as she was supposed to be, somehow such as dark existence, black spot in your memories,
The bright side in your story is that black existence
Couldn't get over you, neither take u down!
You have your own life to live now and you managed to play your saint role towards your family and your kids further than any negative effect could have been projected on you due to your past!
What doesn't kill u makes u higher!
And I like what u said about forgiveness,
Forgiveness can be your salvation, the key of letting go, who doesn't forgive keeps his mind poisoned, and his soul prisoned and tormented.
My advice to you, forgive and be free...
Get ride of sad memories they only drug u down
Let it go!
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