So here I am, an abused abuser.

Hello.

I hope this is the right forum.

I am now 35 years old, and I grew up with a mother who has Munchhausen by Proxy and Munchhausen Syndrome. Things were, as you can understand, weird.

She claimed that I had asthma and that I was allergic to all sorts of things. This became part of my identity. At school, when visiting friends - the allergies were always there. I always had the inhaler with me, and everyone we associated with knew what things I was not supposed to eat, because mother certainly told them.

I remember how once at about age 5 or so, when I had mistakenly eaten a cookie containing almonds, she poured alcohol in my eyes, claiming that the alcohol was eye drops she needed to give me to treat the pain that almond consumption would give me.

This sort of thing went on for years. I took my medicines, I refrained from all those things that I was supposedly allergic to, and that's what life looked like.

Then, when I was 10, she claimed that she had cancer. In an Oscar-winning performance she made everyone believe she had it. She kept this lie going for a year, until friends to the family discovered that no, she did not have cancer. I learned that my asthma and allergies were all lies, and we also learned that she had spent the time when she was "away on treatments" on alcohol and drugs, putting us in crippling debt.

She spent the better part of a year on a psychiatric ward. For whatever stupid reason, dad decided to try save the marriage, which essentially meant that there were horrible fights at home - one time she tried to jump out of our car while it was travelling at like 60 mph (I was in the backseat, holding on to dear life).

Anyway, fall of 1997 they divorced. She still had rights to see us, so we spent every other weekend with her. In retrospect, I find this odd.

And... our relationship with our mother recovered, somehow. It seemed like she was on the right track, you know? So from 2001 onwards, I had a really good relationship with my mother, or so I thought. Again, in retrospect I can see how manipulative she was. Anyway, things begin degrading from about 2005 onwards. In 2006, my grandfather dies, and months after, she drives under the influence of drugs and ends up colliding (albeit at low speed) with a police car.

We confront her, giving her an ultimatum. Seek help for the drug problem, or we would be out of her life. Obviously she chose the drugs.

Looking back, I realize that the depression and anxiety I've always had probably stems from this ****. I've had a horrible self-image, and that's always been the reason for my mental state that's left me with panic anxiety attacks.

Until very recently, I never told anyone about my upbringing (and to achieve this, I've essentially had to keep people at arm's length my entire adult life). And while it's probably been great for me to tell people, all the emotions I've felt these past six months or so have led to my doing horrible things.

So in recent months, I have been drunk on Messenger, and written despicable things to friends and colleagues. People have been left afraid, both for what I would do to myself and what I would do to them.

Through work, I now see a psychologist, and I've had to confront the colleagues to whom I've been horrible. Yeah, I get to keep my job and they still want to work with me, but I feel awful.

My inner voice tells me that I am an awful human being, an evil abuser who does not deserve life itself. Psychologist tells me it could be worse and wants me to forgive myself. It's a weird situation.

Hi Makoweic. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you suffered so much as a child. Hope you get the support you are looking for.

I read this and thought it may be of interest: 7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect
If it rings a bell than there are other articles on Childhood Neglect at Psychcentral.com our article archive and parent to PsychCentralForums.com

Hello Makowiec: Welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for sharing your struggle with us here on PC. My story is, as you might expect, completely different from yours. But, in my own way, I know a lot about keeping everyone in my life at arm's length. And I've also had a small amount of experience with cracking the door open just a wee bit (which in some ways was a great relief, in other ways not so much.) But under any circumstances, Psych Central is a good place to be. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you for your welcoming words.

CANDC, that list was pretty much spot on. But now I feel immense guilt over not living up to #4 on the list. Heck, I called a person a holocaust denier based on a screenshot from years ago - the person wonders how long I've been hating them for, and has felt unsafe around me. I feel like there is no way to remedy a situation like this. I've said these horrible things to people, and there is no way of taking it back. Unfortunately, I now have thoughts of suicide. I know that is not a good solution to anything and I'm fighting those thoughts, trying to replace them with others. I just don't understand how people can still be supportive of me in face of what I have done.

Makowiec I am sorry you are taking things on your shoulders. Yes you did perhaps ruin some relationships when you were channeling your mom when drunk, but you were only expressing what was given to you. You were just being the person you were taught to be. The teacher (your mom) was not a good example and unlearning is not easy.

With me I have to reinvent who I think I am. I had to let go of the struggle to change my parents opinions. That will not happen in my life. So I need to see myself in a new way.

If it is possible, getting a therapist who specializes in Surviving Abuse or Childhood Emotional Neglect is one option.

If you find your self in crisis, here are resources that you may find helpful
Our Suicidal Posting Policy & Suicide Resources

Hope this helps. Feel free to send me a private message if you care to talk in private and or tag me in a post so I get alert @CANDC

Hello and welcome. You really did go through a lot of trauma growing up. Equally important as the things that DID happen (the drug abuse, the medical abuse, the lies, the absences) are the things that DIDN'T happen... growing up with a sense of safety, knowing you are loved and cared for, having adults in your life that you could depend on.
That is where you came from.
Where you are now... the things that you've done. the things you are doing and experiencing now are an indirect result of that trauma. You didn't learn better skills. You never learned to feel love for yourself. You were not taught to express emotions appropriately. (And so much more).
By knitting all of this together, understanding your history and the effects it has had on your development as a human being, and learning healthier ways of being, doing and loving now, you have the power to completely rewrite your future. Therapy can help with this. Introspection and self-improvement under the guidance of a safe other can transform this pain. What you have now is absolutely not All There Is.
Good work on finding a psychologist to being working on this stuff. You are not awful. You are human.
Best wishes.

Well, on whose shoulders should the things I've done rest? I've said extremely hurtful things to colleagues - people I like and respect, but my conduct against whom has been everything but that. The guilt has been eating away at me.

I'm seeing a psychologist and they're great about it. Heck, even my employer says I'll emerge from this stronger than before. I just have a very hard time seeing why they are saying those things in light of what I've done.

Thank you. At a rational level, I know this is true. Emotionally, it's hard to see at the moment.

However... it's funny, but I'm now at a point where I almost cannot understand how for all those years I was too ashamed to talk about my childhood. It doesn't control me the way it used to. Perhaps the same thing can happen to the things I've done? Perhaps the hurt I have caused can go away, at least to an acceptable level?

My therapist often tells me I am pretty skilled at understanding things at the rational level, also. The emotional... not so much.

I think it is absolutely possible to grow your self-compassion. Being able to readily give it to others is one of the ways I try to grow my own.
Looking at your situation, I have the utmost compassion for you and your current situation, and can clearly see that your current struggles are largely a result of your own trauma. You are absolutely worthy of compassion, love, support and understanding. There is no doubt.
One day I hope to be able to view myself with the same care. I am making incremental progress.