Emotional abuse

Hi. I've been dealing with an emotionally abusive father ever since I came to discover myself; most probably at 3 years till now I'm 24. I live with him alongside my mother and my brother. He has always been critical of me and my siblings. We never do anything right in his eyes. He shouts and he says the meanest things a father should never say to his children. We've had talks and meetings as a family but everytime we air out our frustrations, it becomes about him. He will constantly praise himself for being a so called good Father. I believe the biological duty of a father is to provide his kids needs which include shelter, clothing, food, medical care and education. However, he uses these needs to make us feel guilty and praise and appreciate him for what he's supposed to do as a father. I've personally told my father he has never been there for me emotionally. I can't even have a short story with him. He says he has been there by ensuring my school grades are on point. Ever since I started school when I was young, I always remember my father to be that tough guy who would scream through the roof as he discourages me. He even said I'm foolish just like my mother. He often accused me and my siblings about playing with school yet we've never even planned to do such a thing. I was to graduate from University last year, but when the school was giving me issues last minute, i couldn't clear and graduate in time. I felt like a failure and my father thought I never went to school in the first place. He went behind my back and went to ask about me and my academic performance. He never trusted me and that broke me. With all the frustrations I had, I planned to commit suicide. However, the suicide wasn't successful. I just got sick coz I was taking pills. Most of the times, I actually think my father never wanted to have children in the first place. My mum told me that if it wasn't for my father's mother, he wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage was never in his mind even when he was 30. My sister additionally told me that my father personally confessed to her that he would have gotten married instead to a white woman. I'm African by the way and my mum was from the rural area. He likes to spend lots of money on things he likes but when we ask him for something as basic as an exercise book, he will start lecturing us. My father is also abusive to my mother. Just like me and my siblings, he tries to control my mum and her finances and every other thing in her life. He will throw insults at one moment, and the next he'll buy chocolate or cake as a way of apologizing. I'm sorry for all those people who don't have their fathers, but I'd rather have no father than a toxic one. I'm a girl at 24 years and he'll never want to see me with a boy. He already jumps to the conclusion that I'll throw myself at the guy. Yet when it comes to my now 20 year old brother, he knows he has a girlfriend and he even let's him visit her. It's okay for fathers to be protective of their daughters but they shouldn't ignore the fact that their daughters aren't robots. They can have feelings for the opposite gender. I'm a mature young lady myself. I know what I want so I won't just let any man talk to me or touch me. He loves to control women. His sisters even told us he used to beat them even as teenagers and adults. He took the role of a father because my grandfather was not in their lives yet he's alive. However, he abused his role as a big brother to my aunts, a husband to my mother and a father to me and my siblings. What can I do to deal with an emotionally abusive father??? There are times I've wanted to run away. I've desperately looked for jobs to move out but to no avail. I feel like I'll constantly lose my mind if I don't know how to deal with his abusive ways. Please help.

Hello,

To me your dad sounds like a narcissist. Probably a pretty full on one. Otherwise, he could have some other problem or disorder, but my guess would be a narcissist.

I can point you in the direction of some resources, as dealing with such a person in your situation is pretty involved. Definetly do your best to get physically away from him in your own space. Look around in your area where you live to see if there are any support groups, look on line. ...I deal with narcissistic family and identify as a Codependent (since it is like their abuse victims). You could look into CODA, Codependents Anonymous meetings, where people support each other and people share what is happening in their dysfunctional relationships. There are also 12 steps involved, like Alcoholics Anonymous, that are about getting a person to properly detox or unhook from unhealthy relationship patterns.
Other than this, I can recommend using the internet to research about Codependency, Narcissism, and dealing with abusive family. Use you tube as it is wonderful for getting information. Here are some youtube channels that I have been finding excellent advice and support from ....and in fact, this can function as a substitute for good therapy which can be very hard to find (although, some also offer face to face therapy via the internet)...
On youtube: Jerry Wise Relationship Systems channel (so far I find his stuff REALLY good); also check out Dr Les Carter at his "Surviving Narcissism" youtube channel, he has brought me back from deep despair at least twice and has a true talent for undoing damage done by toxic narcissists -so definetly look into his youtube videos; also look at Melanie Tonya Evans on youtube, check out some of her videos but especially check out her "Shifts Happen" videos that go through special meditations she put together for victims of narcissistic abuse to do when they feel overwhelmed... her program is called N.A.R.P. (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) you can buy it, but if you are wary of doing so (you download it after purchasing) you can in fact simply follow the basic format she does in her "Shifts Happen" videos ...the NARP program is a set of 10 meditations, but they are all basically the same format, only the main prompts she asks are different for each module, for instance Module 1 may be about Releasing/Healing immediate pain of injustice, Module 5 might be Healing your fear of what the narcissist might do to you in the future... and she gets you to basically focus on where in your body you might feel anger or sadness or fear when you focus on 'what the narcissist might do next' or 'what they did that hurt you'. I found these meditations invaluable and probably would not have moved on without them or it would have taken longer. One other step she gets us to do involves visualizing angels taking our fear away, so we like surrender it to a higher power.... this seems very similar to 12 Step recovery work, but also to spiritual based attitudes of accepting personal limitations; and for some reason this can really pave the way for deep healing. It worked for me and was a great surprise ...I was struggling with great anger towards my own father (who I have most of my trouble with) and eventhough I knew what I needed to do emotionally I jsut could not do it... but doing the meditation at the point where I visualized "angels taking my ball of hurt away" ...I then miraculously could forgive and let go. Not forgiving actually messes most with the person. However, at the same time you want to properly acknowledge your legitimate hurt. ...Similar to this, in teh meditation as well as in other therapies, Inner Child work is also very useful. It is about holding your vulnerable emotions like a small child and not ignoring them (like what our parents usually have done to us).
Books are also a major source of help for me... even in Australia where I live and where I have access to cheaper therapy (to a degree) it can be nearly impossible to find a therapist that actually understands this stuff and actually helps you with it. I have been doing the work my self, and again through the help of those youtube resources and especially books I bought. With books, if you have the internet it can be easy and pretty cheap to buy good specific books for your particular issues. I have Kindle from Amazon that you download for free on your laptop of mobile phone, and I search for books on this topic and if I like the sound of one I download a free sample. After reading it, if I am impressed, I will buy it as a digital copy, often for a few dollars sometimes it is more. My library has very limited books on what I need.
HEre are titles that I have found very good so far: Darlene Lancer's "Conquering Shame and Codependency" , Dr Les Carter's "When Pleasing You is Killing Me", "Codependent: Now What?" by Lisa A Romano, Lucia Cappachione's art therapy for healing your innner child; Beverly Engel also has books of how to recover after abuse from family like "For Your Own Good"; Alice Miller has written some interesting books on how people are too accepting of childhood abuse (it's because too many people are actually basically dysfunctional), I can recommed also "In Sheep's Clothing' by George K Simon (he details how victims of abusers need to learn to get tougher towards abusers in order to stop the cycle continuing), I also recommend "Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas... this book is pretty good at pinpointing how narcissists try to mess with people and how shifty they tend to be in how they do it.
Other worthwhile resources are: Ross Rosenberg and his youtube channel and book(s). Also, consider watching the youtuber 'The Englightened Target' and her video on the damage Narcissistic fathers do to their children, she compares what the daughter tend to suffer from versus the boys (however, I found I related also to what the male children experience as my father also seems to compete with me).

I am very sorry to hear about your feeling so bad as you did. That is really horrible. Is there someone you can talk to about how your father makes you feel? Do you have access to a therapist or councelor-? Do you have a kind person you can talk to? or even a woman's refuge you could go to, or even volunteer at and get support and comaraderie that way.
One thing you could also do is keep a journal, even an online one if you have fears of privacy. And write about what you feel.
I hope you feel on top of this soon. And I wish you good luck in getting work and moving away from your father. He does not sound healthy for any of you to have to live with.

I'm dealing with a similar situation but with my mom and I understood how hellish it is. I'm sorry. He failed to be the loving father that you needed and hopefully one day he will realize that and ask for your forgiveness. Every day I meditate, journal about my feelings, manifest, and reflect on how I'm feeling. Build up your self-love, self-esteem, and make sure you know that you are worth so so much. Don't give him the power of watching you give up on life. Show him that you will be the person you want to be regardless of whether he approves or not. I know this is difficult, and it's a long and hard process (I'm not done yet) but think of it this way: the more you let him hurt you the more you're letting him bring you down more and more. Talk to loved ones about this issue, go to support groups, anything that makes you feel like you're not alone. He doesn't have the right to make you feel this terrible, and now it's your job to show him how badly he f*cked up. I'm also here to talk to, if you want. I'm 16 and still have 2 years at home, I'd love to hear from people that experience these things too. Stay strong. It always gets better.

I believe you that you're a mature young lady that wouldn't let any man talk or touch you. You sound responsible and with a good head on your shoulders.

I do think it's important for you to learn more about patterns of abusive behaviours. Women tend to date men like their fathers and since yours is abusive, you are at risk of meeting someone just like him.

There are many forms of abuse. It's the early warning signs that are hardest to detect when coming from an abusive household.

Please read up all you can about emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological abuse, pathological abuse.. perhaps even about various personality disorders (narcissism and borderline). I'm suggesting these because it's possible you've grown up with these issues. Of course, I can't diagnose.. just become aware.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Big hugs your way!