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FluffyPuppy
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FluffyPuppy I'm a lover, Not a fighter.
 
Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Michigan
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Unhappy May 31, 2020 at 09:58 PM
  #1
I was curious if anyone else felt this way. I have been 100% no contact with all of my family for over 2+ years except my mom because I live at home currently. I'm hoping to get SSD to fall through during everything going on because I deal with numerous anxiety disorders that have made it very difficult to move forward in my life. (Prior to everything thats going on now)

I've noticed since lockdown I feel more hurt than usual. I guess I feel that during times like this love and care go a long way and it's an opportunity to let people know you love them, care about them.

I made a decision after several violent events towards me that enough was enough and I had to make the hard decision to let go. This has gone on majority of my life but my courage sparked the last 2 years. In a lot of ways it has made me more mentally stably, I've noticed significant confidence gains and mental wellbeing and over all a feeling of peace.

I feel very conflicted with my feelings because I feel more alone than ever and to think about so many people sick and dying even friends of family. No one has spoke a word to me. It makes me feel like I don't matter and hurts me deeply.

Luckily, I have made a friends with a very loving woman and we talk daily and have for the past year. But, my heart hurts that despite anything in the world that could happen, no matter the disaster, my phone will not go off once from them and they simply don't care.

I'm interested hearing from someone with a similar story, feeling and I want to know how they are coping on daily basis?
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Delphini
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Member Since: May 2020
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 02:07 AM
  #2
Hi FluffyPuppy,

I am not estranged from my family, but I have definetly considered becoming so. I have never experienced violence from them, but there has been and still to a degree is friction. I've worked through it only because I was so isolated.
Your situation sounds distinct from mine, since physical abuse is just not tolerable. ...Really, if a person just cannot deal with any mistreatment it is just not to be tolerated. But physical abuse is a definte No No.

You seem in two minds about being no contact with your family. ...Perhaps you can look at this and discuss this with a very good therapist. Find out whether you need new boundaries that offer some contact with your family, or whether violence with some mean you cannot have contact with any. And to work through your feelings to find out what you need. Maybe you need to create a new family, by joining a group elsewhere who are healthy. Have you thought of Codependents Anonymous?? These are groups worldwide that are support groups for people who have dysfunctional families. Perhaps other support groups could also suffice as well. Like an anxiety support group. You may be able to find people who go through this. I know it is Covid 19 now, and as you wrote, that makes things tougher. But there might be some online even video call type group meetings you could find to go to. I know that CODA (Codependents Anonymous groups are having video call sessions). (You might be able to join one from a different country even...??)

I sometimes call a telephone crisis line when I feel very low or isolated. I also love nature and consider it like a best friend, going on nature walks. Animals I love so much. A pet is a must if you can have one. Journaling helps too. I love art as a way to feel connection with God and loss of isolation.

Other than that, I do get how you are feeling. When I have felt very isolated, even just thinking about how left out I am, psychologically, in my family. My brother, for instance, rarely if ever tries to contact me and seems to view me as a failure; he seems to go along with a one-sided rhetoric that's a bit of a toxic hallmark in my narcissitic/codependent family: namely where double standards exist and someone gets scapegoated. It's pretty sad. I also have a prickly relationship with my sister. I;ve learned to keep communication open with her, but I've been sort of forced to in a way because of needing to keep relationship with my parents adn with my sister having children who I want to keep a relationship with. Again, she has never been physically abusive. Otherwise I have been learning how to keep boundaries with her whilst also keeping SOME basic connection. ...I long joked that my family are more like colleagues...Whereas I had colleagues, oonce upon a time, who were like family to me more than anyone else ever was. ...They actually cured me of anxiety problems.

...HAve you looked into narcissism/codependency... because from what I have read, narcissists tend to bring out anxiety problems in codependent family members (who are the "givers" to their "taking" mindset). Perhaps, like my self, you have had a lot of selfrighteous harsh standards, double standards, thrown your way ...and have unconsciously taken on beliefs of shame. ....I use self help books like Darlene Lancer's "Conquering Shame and Codependency". I also use these resources: Les Carter's books ("Enough about You, Let's Talk about me" and "When Pleasing YOu is Killing Me") he also has a youtube channel that has brought me out of the depths of despair twice; I also read Codependent Now What? by Lisa A Romano who also has a youtube channel; there is also another good one by Ross Rosenberg. Last, but not least, I have newly stumbled upon Jerry Wise Relationship Systems of youtube: and so far I am VERY impressed. ....You can finda lot of support also in the Comments section of these youtube channels. A whole lot of people expressing what they are going through.

I also keep a journal and write about what I feel. I am a very solitary person. ...I do not work and have had trouble working because of bullying from controlling personalities for most of my life. This acts as a double bind, as then it makes me dependent on my family, who helped create and help to maintain my dependent powerless state. I am lucky that some of them are wealthy and have some familial duty, so that I am living away from them and this gives me a chance to separate from my parents and their brainwashing to keep me submissive and passive.

Oh, I can also HIGHLY recommend, if all of the above fits the mark for you, that is, Melanie Tonya Evans. She has a youtube channel, she also has a program of mediations that have genuinely helped me. However, you don't have to buy it to try it. She does some on her youtube channel, under the titles "Shifts Happen". She has a set of Modules, roughly 10 I think. They are all basically the same format, but she does touch on specific core issues that codependents tend to have for exach "module". ...If you were savvy and did not want to spend the money (as yet) you could do your own voice recorded meditation based on hers' (she did not really invent most of it but rather adapted and assembled others' therapies in hers: "Focusing" therapy I believe, by Gene Gendlin, and Inner Child therapy, as you can find done by others like John Bradshaw and Lucia Capacchione) and with a bit of research you could focus on core issues that you think you have or that you read are important for Codependents.
Or, you could but her NARP program. ...I'd try it first to see if it works for you.

...Anyhow, I hope I have not given you info that isn't relevant to you. Here are some youtube videos that may be relevant to you: ...Melanie Tony Evans on Self-Partnering being the key to an abuse free life. Jerry Wise Relationships Systems: ...building up your ability to go without love and approval (as an antidote to narcissistic abuse). Les Carter... ] (The freedom of not caring what a narcissist thinks). I COULDN"T PUT THE LINKS UP AS I GET A MESSAGE THAT I HAVE TO HAVE POSTED MORE THAN 10 TIMES. So hoping the title content listed above gives you enough info to find the videos.

Last edited by Delphini; Jun 01, 2020 at 02:35 AM..
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