The Hell that is Victim Thinking

Hi there,

I have been thinking a bit about blame, victim thinking, and the victim /aggressor relationship and the like.

I know that this is a minefield and that I may clumsily step on some toes: so just know that I am limited in my being able to perceive every posible view and experience. ....This "stuff" truly is very complicated. Still, I can't help but want to try to understand it better...

I personally have been dealing for ages with codependency/narcissistic abuse issues; starting within my family of origin but then also out in the world (ironically when I try to escape and create a life for my self).

I was recently on youtube and read a comment in the comments section in which a person expressed great anger and frustration at having a similar issue themselves for so long, only they phrased it as being caused by their abusive parent.

This got me to pondering my own journey with anger and with waking up to what was happening unconsciously for me, namely I had not dealt with both anger towards and shaming from a parent (and family by extension).
It may have been a step in the process for me, expressing my anger and therefore seeing abusers ofme as having victimised me; a very important one in fact. But beyond this, continuing to express it without also moving through it towards something less black and white (less victim versus abuser only) was damaging and hellish to go through.

In a funny and perversely helpful way, narcissists around me "set the record straight" ...or at least, I worked out how to based on their echoing my own unhealthy behaviour -upon feeling victimised by them- and their being more invested in this behaviour, since I dropped that game whilst they continue with it. ...I learn from their mistakes in a sense. And I learn that it comes back to me, and then some even.

They are still incorrect in how they deal with conflict. However, they wean me off feeling unsure about this, and then I don't take their stuff personally anymore. I know they are wrong and I don't have to play the game of trying to prove it, which ironically makes me become like them.

I've wandered off a little from what I've been trying to communicate... or at least, I'll try to get to the nitty gritty...

Just that VICTIM thinking ...blaming others ends up being hell for the victim. Apart from the above explanation, that shows I have narcissistic traits to a degree my self, or, if not this then rather egocentric, self absorbed traits. ...But there is a bigger picture happening that on an individual level is hard to perceive (well).
....Also, isn't it narcissistic to view oneself as a victim WHILST also behaving as a perpetrator...even if that entails merely fighting back or even having others' abuse get to you and disrupt you then on?

...This is not to suggest that one can never truly be a victim. Children are when they are abused by adults. But even in this scenario, thereafter and according to them ageing themselves, they become responsible for what happens to them after that ....Just as after the initial phase of recognising a behaviour as abuse and waking up to damage done from it, that thereafter a person needs to find ways to move through this hurt and after first honouring their feelings, then taking charge so that they get to direct their life however they can from that moment on.

....And if this means finding a way to be like Nelso Mandela, in that one has very little control over the outside circumstances and other people with it, that there is always found what IS under the individual's control. ...You keep going "inwards" to base your self worth on a value system that only you can be the master of.

...In "Your Soul's Gift", one of the presented 'facts' is that all the suffering we go through is not only chosen by our Soul (not our personality, but by a bigger Self), but this is done always for the purpose of personal evolution. Or, as it says in the book: "nothing happens to you, everything happens FOR you".

Lastly, my experience in the HELL that was victim thinking, not only resulted in narcissists (victim abusers all themselves, because they are always victims in their heads) lashing out at me, even in random seemingly out of the blue ways that nonetheless magically mirrored what had been going on in my mind and heart ....but on top of this, the mere experience of FEELING like a victim was UTTER HELL.
I HATED the sense of powerlessness. The sense of utter despair and hopelessness.
It was horrible.

Faced between that and finding out how to own SOME of what had happened to me as my responsibility ...owning this, but also not falling into the trap of identifying with these abusive people, or buying into their shaming black-and-white perception of things... I have to be able to say I am NOW different from them through having seen how I was being like them (when I was very hurt by their behaviour and/or thinking of or reacting back to it) AND that I never in fact ORIGINALLY deserved abuse in the first place... I cannot base who I am on their faulty black and white perception and inability to be less harsh and more neutral ...that is based on shame and with it total hypocrisy. Their abuse is all really projected self hate!! Even if they are too dense and stuck in their own limited ego-perceptions to see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Through my efforts, working through books on curing shame, and doing an INVALUABLE meditation that helped me process my emotions (which was invaluable because it let me experience the worst of my feelings without getting drawn into them and getting stuck there reliving it constantly). ...I've started to at last get to feeling these wonderful things to be true -ideas I had actually learned before!!! But which, without having done the emotional work that somehow freed me up, I needed to believe in and not have doubts about. And it is FEELING them as true that is what matters... you can already know this stuff but still unconsciously not believe it.

In any case, I understand the benefit of seeing trials and suffering as opportunities for growth. Just as the book mentioned states. That doing otherwise just prolongs suffering, when instead one could speed up getting past something. It reminds me of painting a picture, you can try to be perfect, but mistakes are going to happen. And you're much better of working with those mistakes and even using them to become your painting. And at least a few times they actually made the painting.

If you are wanting to know the meditation that made the difference for me as far as being able to get past intense emotions like anger and hurt, it was one based on sensing emotions/trauma in the body... I used Melanie Tonya Evan's NARP, which you can try for free on youtube if you look for her videos where she does the actual NARP meditation with a person. You can listen and record your own meditation based on it. She assembled it based upon Gene Gendlin's 'Focusing' therapy (there are numerous resources for this on the net, youtube and books) and I also think on Inner Child work (again numerous resources, like John Bradshaw's books, Lucia Capacchione's art therapy inner child work book). Also, I have been told by two therapist friends that this body/feelings/trauma sensing style of therapy has very recently started to become popular with therapists... I had mentioned what I was doing to these two people and months later they told me they are reading and learning about it because it is a "thing" among therapists now.

"You Soul's Gift" by Robert Schwartz also has very intriguing information about how to process feelings to get to have release and new insights about problems.

I also wanted to say that when it comes to more intense abusive experiences that my ideas above are most likely TOO CLUMSY to encapsulate how a person needs to think if they were a victim of such abuse. It probably goes beyond most words recovering from any severe trauma. It probably needs to be a Spiritual moment of clarity that gets a person out from under trauma that is heavier to deal with. Expert therapists who specialize in trauma.
Like I said, I'm sure my ideas are still clumsy when it comes to getting to what is really happening. I am just trying my best given my own set of circumstances. Please forgive me if I have over-simplified or cut corners. Your situation may be very different to mine. But you can still cherry pick any bits that ring true for you. And consider reading "Your Soul's Gift" if such ideas appeal to you. I think it's a great book.