memories come flooding back

i spoke to my father over the phone accidentally a couple days ago. i was calling my mom and i guess she passed him over to me when i wasn't expecting it or had me on speaker. i try not to speak to him, ever.

the time not speaking to him had put a haze of almost a kind of dissociation over my memories. i even started to think of my childhood as good. (well, there were some good parts, but all that is unrelated to my parents.)

speaking to him, i realized what an egotistical control freak he is. i have to be wrong so he feels good about himself. he picks at me bit by bit. i started remembering how as a kid i could never rise above his ego. the only way to transcend it and be free was to stop speaking to him. it did free me, but i got more abuse in place of it.

anyway, i found it extremely triggering. i'm now remembering all the ways my parents are narcissistic. i'm going to have to think about how much i share with my mother. i am a bit lonely during this pandemic, so i had been texting more with her and sharing pictures of my artwork and cooking efforts. she's apparently sharing all my texts with my father. i usually hide any skills i have, but now they have something they can use to elevate themselves in the world. it was flattering that they might be proud of me, but i just feel used.

Thanks for your message as your situation is close to my heart. I think many of us would experience this type of trigger when we come across our abuser. Whenever I come across my sister, the memories of all the things that she used to do to me would come back. I even end up having nightmares. I don’t visit my family that often and try to stay away from her when I go home. Luckily, she doesn’t live in the same house as my parents but I still meet her once or twice.