Past/Family/Relationships/Future

I'm currently pursuing my education in Psychology, I have big goals and dreams and very high hopes. However, I feel like my past is back to tell me I haven't really delt with it. I was raped, and for years I went to therapy, went on medicine and it really messed me up. I had lots of anger but not really from that, it was at my mom for being such a terrible mom, and person in general. I felt she had abandoned me and didn't care about me, she cheated on my dad and chose a different life over us. Over many years I fixed those issues and were able to deal with them and we have a healthy relationship today. The rape I experienced I didn't like to talk about and I still don't. The people who committed the crime are in jail, and I got to somewhat say my peace in court. My family told everyone I was a liar (cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents) I experienced this on both sides of the family because they were each from 1 side. Anyway, time went on and I felt great and that I was finally free to live my life, I was determined to not let them have any more control over it. Well, recently I have begun to second guess myself, what if it didn't happen the way I thought? What if I didn't physically say no? ( I passed a lie detector test ) I then thought to myself what if I am actually "crazy". The rape never really affected me until now, I hardly thought about it and I wasn't really traumatized by it now I think about it all the time. I sometimes find myself feeling guilty they are sitting in jail, but other days I'm so angry they ever did that to me, and why they would even think that's okay. I'm not sure what to do about this anymore.
Okay so now let's talk about my very unhealthy relationship, I've been with the same guy for 6 years. It's been toxic pretty much since the beginning. He's cheated, I've cheated but somehow we've managed to make it this far. He's my first love, the first person I experienced guilt out of my despiteful actions. I've known for basically 4-5 years now that he also likes transexuals and men. My love for him overcame that part of him as much as I didn't want it to at first. Over the last year maybe we started to get more serious (I think, you never know) in an argument we had he said he liked men more than me, that hurt me and since then I haven't really been the same toward him. I'm not angry that he likes men or wants to be a transexual or anything like that, I support that. I'm angry he feels he can't just have me and be happy. I know the right thing is to pack up and leave, take some time to heal, and all the good stuff. I have all the knowledge I need at my fingertips but I can't apply it to myself. I'm downing every day, I feel like I have chains on my ankles pulling me down. I'm severely traumatized, I have night mirrors every night of my relationship issues, cheating and not being heard. My brain is a constant mess of why and replaying past events, I'm completely drained and everything is now eating my alive at such a weird time in my life.

Are you saying your rapist were from your own family?

Hello TypicalMe: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Relationships & Communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry you have had to endure all of this hardship. Here are links to a selection of 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that I thought might be of interest plus a link to Peg Streep's blog "Knotted: The Mother-Daughter Relationship":

7 Ways Family Members Re-victimize Sexual Abuse Survivors

Reasons Family Members Side with Sexual Abusers

Healing from Sexual Assault

Dealing with Sexual Trauma: 3 Phases

https://psychcentral.com/blog/buildi...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...at-you-can-do/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-de...-relationship/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...tional-wounds/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome to pc.

Yes it was.

Thank you, I will definitely read up on the links you provided!