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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 06:39 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
When we’re eating together he also 9/10 makes me wait to eat even though I’m starving. He doesn’t care at all unless I put up a huge stink. What is that about? More control? Denying me of my needs?
I think it depends on a scenario? So you two are seating down to eat and he tells you to wait? I’d just start eating. Or it’s a different situation. How does he make you wait?
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 06:42 PM
  #22
He takes forever to get his act together. He makes me wait until he’s ready basically. This is when we’re eating out, ordering delivery or are going somewhere to eat. Not while food is in front of us. Otherwise I’d eat immediately.

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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 06:58 PM
  #23
Not sure. I doubt it’s abuse.

This could be just lack of consideration and procrastination, not really abuse. He makes himself wait for food too, it’s not like he just makes you wait.
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 09:17 PM
  #24
I read some of your post and felt like I could have written it. I've been married since 2008, together since 2005. I'm wanting to leave as well but financially I can't. It makes it a lot more difficult and I don't want to tell him for fear of causing a fight and his reaction.
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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 05:30 AM
  #25
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Not sure. I doubt it’s abuse.

This could be just lack of consideration and procrastination, not really abuse. He makes himself wait for food too, it’s not like he just makes you wait.
But the key factor is..... he makes me wait almost nearly every time. For a half hour or an hour.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 05:30 AM
  #26
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I read some of your post and felt like I could have written it. I've been married since 2008, together since 2005. I'm wanting to leave as well but financially I can't. It makes it a lot more difficult and I don't want to tell him for fear of causing a fight and his reaction.
Hugs to you.

I understand how difficult a position that is. UGH.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 05:55 AM
  #27
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But the key factor is..... he makes me wait almost nearly every time. For a half hour or an hour.
That’s so inconsiderate. Next time get in a car and go get your own food. Or order delivery for yourself. Next time he does it, tell him that this waiting is excessive and you have to get food. I assume you guys don’t keep food at home (I might be wrong) or I’d be like I gotta eat, screw this and sat down and ate what I have, he can go out by himself, waiting an hour when hungry would make me nauseous. I hear you. It’s annoying.
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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:03 AM
  #28
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That’s so inconsiderate. Next time get in a car and go get your own food. Or order delivery for yourself.
Exactly! SO inconsiderate!!!! If not bordering on cruel!

I've done that before -- I've thrown up my hands and have grabbed my keys about to go get my own food, and suddenly he's ready.

I'm seeing everything now through a different lens. He has been very inconsiderate in different ways.

On Sundays when we wake up and agree to go get coffee? Before I know it, we're running all his errands too, making it a three-hour trip! When I thought we were just getting coffee.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:06 AM
  #29
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That’s so inconsiderate. Next time get in a car and go get your own food. Or order delivery for yourself. Next time he does it, tell him that this waiting is excessive and you have to get food. I assume you guys don’t keep food at home (I might be wrong) or I’d be like I gotta eat, screw this and sat down and ate what I have, he can go out by himself, waiting an hour when hungry would make me nauseous. I hear you. It’s annoying.
We do keep food at home, but neither one of us likes to cook. He does cook sometimes, but I don't cook at all since I'm terrible.

So we eat cheaply out or order delivery, or sometimes we treat ourselves to a nice meal.

Yes, I do get nauseous. It is most annoying to me that he does this.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:20 AM
  #30
He used to make me wait a lot more for him over just about anything, but by now I've stopped waiting and I've just gone about my business. I got tired of waiting, waiting, waiting.

He is really inconsiderate and self absorbed. I think he may even have some narcissistic tendencies. I don't think he's a full blown narcissist, but I see tendencies in him. The world seems to revolve around him most of the time, but he covers it up with all these "nice" gestures he makes, like buying me things from the store I might like and buying me flowers and jewelry. I see right through it now.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:27 AM
  #31
I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse; I found a book which saved my life:..The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....it might help to see an attorney (consultations are usually free); just to give you information...knowledge is power. Keeping a journal might help also.
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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:35 AM
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I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse; I found a book which saved my life:..The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....it might help to see an attorney (consultations are usually free); just to give you information...knowledge is power. Keeping a journal might help also.
Hugs to you.

And thank you. I do plan on contacting a lawyer at some point soon for a free consultation. I agree that knowledge is power. I do keep a journal and write nearly every day now.

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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:54 AM
  #33
So here's a dilemma I currently have:

We agreed that IF he blows up at me again, then we'll go to a counselor. I am VERY reluctant to go to couples therapy with him because I think he will deflect ALL responsibility onto me and will make me out to be the unstable and crazy one in the relationship. He has done this in many of our fights, and I have no confidence that he will own up to any of his behaviors. I don't see therapy as being helpful and in fact, I see it as being potentially detrimental to my own mental health and strength. I see myself being victimized in therapy too.

So what do I do instead IF and WHEN he DOES blow up at me again AND if this happens BEFORE I am prepared financially to leave him within the next year? What do I do then?

Like I wrote in the beginning of this thread, undergoing a formal "separation" within our apartment is not exactly feasible because the apartment is SO small. Our second bedroom has a broken bed in it that non one can sleep in -- I suppose I could purchase some sort of blow up bed for sleeping OR perhaps borrow one that I think my parents still own.

However, logistically, a separation in home would be most difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish. I also see it as a living HELL in such a small space. And I see it as being the only other alternative if and when he blows up at me again.

Are there any other options?

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Default Sep 06, 2020 at 09:16 AM
  #34
Hi - I know this is an old thread, just wanted to check up on you and see how you're doing.
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Default Sep 06, 2020 at 09:25 AM
  #35
@Toughcooki -- Awww, thanks SO much -- I just posted a new thread in relationship forum on this topic:
I don't know how I feel about my marriage right now

Thanks!

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Last edited by Have Hope; Sep 06, 2020 at 09:48 AM..
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Default Sep 07, 2020 at 07:05 AM
  #36
Couples counseling is usually never a good idea for many reasons.......the abuser needs to get their OWN therapy for the issues that cause them to abuse. We went to couples counseling and it was a disaster.

Something that can be helpful, is to refuse to engage in an abusive behavior. Don't respond. Abusers are emotional vampires, and NEED you to keep explaining yourself...why you were or were not doing what they are accusing you of. It is a never ending cycle. They don't care what you feel or think. It is useless to have a conversation with an abuser.
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Default Sep 07, 2020 at 08:05 AM
  #37
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Couples counseling is usually never a good idea for many reasons.......the abuser needs to get their OWN therapy for the issues that cause them to abuse. We went to couples counseling and it was a disaster.

Something that can be helpful, is to refuse to engage in an abusive behavior. Don't respond. Abusers are emotional vampires, and NEED you to keep explaining yourself...why you were or were not doing what they are accusing you of. It is a never ending cycle. They don't care what you feel or think. It is useless to have a conversation with an abuser.
Thank you, hugs.

The situation since I started this thread has dramatically improved. He does still make communication difficult when there’s an issue, but it’s been far better for two months now. There’s still some issues at play to work through though. I think I may still try couples counseling.

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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 12:21 AM
  #38
I just left my abuser a week ago. I didnt read all your post, but I read the part about your concern for the lease renewed. Check with your local domestic violence center. You can get out of your lease if it is a domestic violence situation.

I wish you well.

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Default Oct 06, 2020 at 05:41 AM
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I just left my abuser a week ago. I didnt read all your post, but I read the part about your concern for the lease renewed. Check with your local domestic violence center. You can get out of your lease if it is a domestic violence situation.

I wish you well.
Thank you, though this is now a non-issue.

And good for you!!!

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