I'm in an abusive marriage and I cannot leave him for a year - need help coping

I have a thread on this topic in the relationship forum, but I need help coping from people who have also been abused and/or are in an abusive marriage/relationship.

Here's my thread:
https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...m-falling.html

The problem is, I cannot afford to leave him for another 10-12 months. We JUST renewed our apartment lease this month, and I cannot afford to move out and carry the rent for two places. I cannot afford to move out until next year anyways, after I've saved the money needed in order to rent a new apt and move all my belongings.

In the meantime, I am NOT telling him of my plans to leave OR to divorce him, for my own self protection, sanity and mental health. We cannot undergo a separation for the next 10-12 months within the same apt. I do not trust that it would be amicable or even remotely manageable.

I need help coping with this situation, that I know is abusive (off and on). Right now, he's being an angel, but I know it's just the honeymoon phase of his abuse.

So, how do I cope with this secret and with being with him, while I save money I need? I am not going to a shelter, so please don't suggest that.

Thanks so much.

I think do it one day at a time. What else can you do? It will be business as usual, as you save up money.

I don't know what kind of abuse you are talking about. I will have to read your entire other thread. But you do need to protect yourself as ongoing abuse will lower your self-esteem...and you need to preserve your self-esteem at all costs.

My ex and I decided to separate but felt we could not immediately part ways because our son was too young, we needed to save money etc. So we lived in separate bedrooms for about 15 months. Fortunately my ex had a job where he traveled a lot...so that naturally gave us space. But is was sooooo hard. I should add it was a twenty-year marriage.

He was the one who wanted to separate...yet he also seemed to be emotionally attached. He did not respect my boundaries during or after the separation. Of course, with children and shared parenting, it is more complicated. When he remarried he even suggested I find a new partner so we could all "double date." Madness! He sent me cards saying he still wanted me in his life. I remember I called him up (he was newly-married) and I told him, "Look, you can't have two wives...a new younger wife...and an old "best friend" wife. Forget it. I want no contact beyond co-parenting." Of course he raged and screamed. Stupid and childish. I felt sorry for his new wife, to be honest. My ex was a "rage-o-holic." I really wonder why men get away with this stupid, childish behavior.

There isn't a blueprint for this. What you need to do is to find ways to keep your sanity.

I would not venture to tell you what to do. I will only say you have two main objectives...to protect your sanity...and to protect your self-esteem from abuse.

During our pre-separation time we got a new puppy. When the rage-o-holic yelled the puppy would run under the kitchen table and whimper. He loved the puppy so he stopped yelling. The puppy was like a buffer. It really helped having the dog who was a real sweetheart. After we separated we co-parented the dog, too.

Okay, I read enough to get some background. You aren't talking about physical abuse which is a whole other thing. My ex was never physically abusive. It was a pattern of love-bombing, sulking, raging, more sulking, and repeat.

I think there is a lot of ambivalence and ambiguity when intense relationships end.

My ex and I still did stuff together. I remember once we went on an evening hike in the mountains. I thought I saw a mountain lion and screamed and grabbed his hand. It was just a shadow. But it was so humiliating because he was no longer my protector but rather the person making my life hell.

I also want to add I started going out by myself a lot. I formed new friendships, and was part of a very vibrant spiritual community, and took an evening class. I had normally been a homebody so he was bothered by my going out. I had a separate phone line installed in my bedroom. When he heard it ringing he would say sarcastically, "Is that one of your new boyfriends?"

I don't think this is an uncommon story. I think a lot of divorced people go through this. And we had been together for 25 years, and married for 20.

Going out and having my own interests and friends really helped me. He sulked a lot but I wasn't around to see it. And as well...he had double standards...as he traveled a lot and I never asked him about his life on-the-road.

It's sad.


But you will get through it. Have hope!

@DechanDawa THANK YOU.

I've only been married one year! Crazy. It all fell apart really fast.

He has not physically been abusive in that he's never raised a hand to me, he's never shoved me, and he's never hit or kicked me. BUT, that being said, he HAS used physical force to keep me in bed when I've tried to get up. People are telling me that that by itself IS physical abuse. He uses force and strength to hold me down, and I struggle to break free yet he doesn't allow me to unless I say I have to use the bathroom. He hasn't done this in a long time though, and I think it's mainly because his back problem is preventing him from doing so.

Still..... it freaks me out to think that he's actually been physically abusive too.

It's mainly verbal and emotional abuse. And it's not a constant. It's periodic - off and on. Thank goodness it's not a constant, or else I'd probably be looking for shelters.

What I AM doing is I am creating and strengthening my support network. I've finally told my parents and I am informing several of my closest friends. I will need all the support and strength I can gather, so that's my first step.

I also spent 1:1 time this weekend with a new-ish girlfriend, and plan on doing more of that, but not so noticeably that he suddenly thinks or suspects there's a problem. I don't want to send his alerts up.

I am definitely protecting myself, my self esteem, and my mental health as much as I can. That's my top priority right now.

And I do set limits and boundaries with him, whenever he crosses them. He knows where the line is drawn at this stage.

I would like to start exercising again and I would like to perhaps try guided meditations to help me as well.

And I am working with my therapist each week.

I just spoke with one of my oldest girlfriends who told me a year is an awfully long time to wait. There's no other way for me to go about this though, so I am literally stuck, unless by some miracle I can get a higher paying job that allows me to save the needed money much more quickly.

Again, thank you for your supportive and compassionate reply. I will hold onto hope, as its pretty much all I have right now!!!!

I just read your other thread. Again.


About him restraining you. In my book that is physically abusive. Think about it. You want to get up. He is stronger and so prevents you from leaving. ONLY because he is stronger...so he is using force. I am also sorry to say...this could be testing your boundaries.


This is a very new relationship. Perhaps this sort of testing could go on for awhile...but I think eventually...it could move on to something more sinister.

I think this whole thing of you wanting to move on is rushing forward at a fast pace.


For instance...when my ex and I decided we would eventually separate...neither of us told anyone. For over a year. But you have already told all the significant people in your life. Except him. I personally could never have pulled that off. I could never have stayed with my ex under those circumstances.


You said in the other thread you had a social life together etc. But you haven't been together that long. Will it be that painful to lose it?


My ex and I were together 25 years. When we separated he said, "I am taking back all my friends. Don't contact them." One or two of them contacted me...but it seemed like he forced them to take his side. This is the kind of crap that makes divorce hell.


I am not going to address your finances. It is almost always complex. I don't want to go there.

What is most disturbing to me is his use of restraint. This is so not okay and it is the only thing I feel I must adamantly address. It is so not okay. You have come to accept it...but non-consensual physical restraint is never okay. Second to that is racial, sexist remarks. Not okay. NEVER OKAY.


Your guy acts like an Alpha male but he isn't really because he isn't there financially. My ex was Alpha but backed it up with a high-powered career, advanced education, ability to provide etc.


It seems like this bothers you, too.

As far as what will happen to you after this divorce. Anything can happen. You might meet someone. You might be alone and lonely. As for me I would rather be alone and lonely than to be in a relationship where I am not wholly loved and respected.

I think self-care is a good way to go. During our pre-separation my ex and I both started to drink a lot. I didn't like it. I decided to stop drinking and I went to a nearby AA meeting. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic but I was curious about AA, and I wanted support while quitting drinking, especially because my ex had no intention to stop drinking. Well, I found a wild and wooly and super fun group! I stopped drinking and every week I'd bake for the meeting (I had a certificate in French pastry cooking) and the meeting kept growing bigger and bigger because my cakes gained a reputation. So I'd bake cakes and go off to the meeting where everyone was always laughing and joking and I stayed sober. It was beautiful.


Smoking at almost 50??? Not good. Perhaps consider going on a health kick...go to yoga class...go kayaking with that friend...quit smoking and drinking. Join a meditation center.

I will admit your situation kind of triggers me. It's messy and that is just about right. These things are never neat and clean. It's messy, sad, and even potentially dangerous.

I would like to make a suggestion. I think when you come on here you might consider keeping the spotlight on you. I mean...that "list" in your other thread about him...really got to me. But you are still married...AND...this guy is still in the dark about your intentions. In a way it creates...a bit of bad karma. I mean that he doesn't know but everyone else and the world knows.


No one here can tell you what to do about him. But I think everyone here would agree we can support you in maintaining your sanity, self-esteem, and health.

I still get pretty triggered about my divorce...but then...that relationship encompassed most my young adult and adult life. And with co-parenting you never get free.

You will be free. And you will be sad. And you will have hope. Because you do. And you are. Hope.

Darn. I forgot about the weed.


After my divorce I went on several dating sites. I was pretty shocked at how many guys said they smoked weed daily and any woman they dated would have to be okay with it. At this time it wasn't even legal...but I live in a mountain state that has always been a weed smoking state. In my mind weed was something one left behind with college.


I said no to all weed smokers and the dating pool substantially shrunk. Awhile later I dated someone who was...yes...a weed smoker. I was wildly physically attracted to him so I broke my own rule. I spent a summer sometimes (and sometimes often!) smoking with him and at the end of the summer I felt like I had gone on a three-month vacation from life I could ill-afford. This guy also ended up having all kinds of undesirable traits. That was it for me. Experiment over.


Now that weed is legal here in my state...forget it...everyone...and I mean everyone...smokes...or ingests. It kind of creeps me out. I don't smoke anything, or drink alcohol, am vegetarian...and would love to meet a non-weed smoking vegetarian. But in my neck of the woods - now - that's like being someone who doesn't drink water!

@DechanDawa, thank you again.

I am very sorry you got triggered by my thread and/or issues. I write at length and in great detail about it because I really need a lot of support through this messy process, as you put it so accurately.

That list of negatives was really more for me, but also for others to see what I am dealing with. It was reaffirming for me to post those negatives and to have others respond telling me it's a pretty bad list.

I will, however, protest and disagree with one of your statements. I am NOT telling everyone. I am telling ONLY MY closest girlfriends, two of whom happen to be in the same shared social circle as my husband. But they will never leak it out, and I am protected fully from it ever being leaked out. They are on MY side. Even before we met, they said they thought he was a troubled person.

I am also protecting myself FULLY right now. I am not being unfair to him, I am protecting myself from further harm from him. If I confront him on his abuse, all hell will break loose, I WILL lose my social circle and he will go on a reputation smear campaign against me, which will quite frankly, ruin me mentally and emotionally. This is exactly what abusers do when confronted with their abuse. They turn it ALL around on YOU, which he has done numerous times to me in fights, and they blame YOU, making themselves the victim and YOU, (me), the abuser. This is why I refuse to tell him anything until it's actually time for me to move out and leave him. And when I do, I will not blame him or accuse him of abuse. I will simply say "I am not happy, I am not in love with you anymore, this isn't working, and I want a divorce".

I will not and cannot put myself in any additional harm's way, and I will not allow losing my social circle, which is VERY, VERY important to me.

He has shown me textbook abuse tactics. He has shown me textbook abusive behavior. He accuses his ex wife of being abusive towards him and claims that's why they divorced. I know now that that was a lie, and that HE was the abuser.

I will not allow that to happen to me though. So, I am not confronting him, and I am protecting myself right now from a worse hell than I already will face. It's my right to not tell him, and for certain, I trust fully the few people I have told.

And yes, it's very hard for me to admit that he's been physically abusive. It does spell trouble, and perhaps he was testing the waters/boundaries/limits.

Some have even advised that I have a trusted friend or family member with me when I tell him I am leaving him.

The weed? I am not that opposed to it, but what I don't like is that he is very moody and a very difficult person to be around when he doesn't have it. I don't like that it's an addiction for him and something that he NEEDS to have in order to be mellow and even keeled. I do not need drugs or alcohol myself in order to function. He needs weed every day in order to function.

I have my own issues I am contending with too. I have an eating disorder. I am up to my ears in dealing with my own personal problems, so I have to take it all one step at a time. Right now I just need a support system so that I can be strong through this.

My girlfriend this weekend advised me to work on strengthening myself, including my mental health, and my support system. So that's my goal right now.

Oh, but even though I don't need alcohol to function in any way, I have been drinking more lately. I don't even care. If it helps me get through this awful period, so be it.

Daily smoke of weed and physical restraint is bad enough to erase all good stuff

I’d be very scared to be with someone who smokes pot daily. Pot stays in the system a long time, with daily usage you always always have it in a system. So if he gets in a car accident and he caused it or he has incident at work, he won’t pass drug test. It will open mirriad of issues. I think it’s scarier than daily drinking because if you drunk at night and get in an accident in the morning you might be ok. Not as much as with pot.

My husband has incidents at work periodically and the first thing they do when he sees a workcomp doctor is drug test. Not only you will get fired you can get sued by the other party. I’d be always on edge worrying about it.

And with physical restraint it’s scary because you could end up being a perpetrator like if you fight back trying to get up and injure him but he’ll say he was just playing or didnt even do anything. He’ll get black eye and call 911 and you’ll be arrested. You’ll be charged with assault if he presses charges even though he was the one holding you.

I’ve been around. And I saw too many things. Drugs and physical violence scare me so much I’d be sick every day.

I know we can’t tell you what to do but I feel it might escalate. Daily pot smoking could lead to psychosis etc etc Maybe I am a chicken but this stuff is bothersome

@divine1966, thanks for your concerns. I do appreciate you looking out for me!

I am not worried about the weed at all myself, though. He is very careful while driving and he's a good driver, for the most part. And the weed DOES mellow him out. I've witnessed him not on it and in fact, he's better with it.

I think it's going a bit overboard to say he will accuse me of physical abuse and him calling 911. I don't struggle enough to cause a black eye or injury. And I truly believe it won't come to anything like that.

I talked to my parents about this issue, and they advised me to point blank tell him not to do it anymore, which I will when the timing is right. It hasn't happened in a long time though because of his bad back and the immense physical pain he is in. He struggles to cuddle me, and that's the whole reason why he didn't want me to get out of bed when this happens -- so he can keep cuddling me.

What I DO worry about is what this actually means. Does it mean it COULD escalate to physical violence IF I push him enough to that level of anger? Was he just testing the boundaries to see what he can get away with, and what does that ultimately mean for me? WILL he become violent at some point? That's what I worry about. But hopefully, I can leave him before anything like that occurs, and like I wrote above, I MAY ask someone to be here when I tell him I am leaving him. But that's a long ways down the road from now.

Ok. I think this whole thing scares the heck out of me and I just saw it from my perspective. If you aren’t scared, then you aren’t scared. And if you aren’t fighting back then injuring him is not an issue. If pot isn’t an issue then it’s not an issue.

It’s good that your parents tell you to tell him. I think telling a man not to physically restrain you is a given. Unless telling him is scarier than enduring it. Which is another issue, but I hope telling him is doable

Thank you.

I think I was resistant to telling him because I was afraid of another explosion and/or fight from him. Sometimes I don't say something in order to avoid a fight.

I understand. Totally. But it’s yet another red flag. You should be able to speak up without fear of a fight.

If I get triggered it is my responsibility to take a break or do whatever I need to do to de-escalate my emotional state. So no need to apologize. Please don't apologize. I probably meant I was observing that about myself because I was writing really long comments with TMI.


I AM sorry for saying you were telling everyone but him. I think I might have perceived it that way but it was not factually accurate, so thank you for setting me straight on that.

Mmm, on the weed, I was commenting because...not because I had the same concerns as Divine...but...I don't think I made myself at all clear on this issue. One thing is...my experience has been...that daily weed smoking makes one less emotionally available. Yes, the person may be calmer and more relaxed. But I am talking more about emotional intimacy. However, these are my thoughts and really have nothing to do with your situation. Again, I observe when I post a lot or post long comments it indicates I might be triggered...and thereby might not be the best support at that moment.


I am sorry if I in any way caused you more distress. Your situation is very difficult.

I think you are being thoughtful, emotionally present, and most of all you are clearly communicating.

I went overboard with my comments and I am really, really sorry.

Perhaps communicating is helping you...and I for one would like to restrain myself from commenting, you know, blah, blah, blah so boring how I go on...but rather would just like to offer you support. I want to acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. And I think it is right that you are moving cautiously.

Also...about the restraint thing. You did mention he had a bad back so for now, at least, it seems you won't have to worry about that. Also...I am wondering...are we all jumping to conclusions here? Maybe it is just a bad habit. I think your plan of saying something in the moment if/when it happens again is a good plan.


We are in an era when so much is suspect, right?


I think perhaps the best thing is to look at it all holistically...that is...is this disrespect...or...perhaps bad habits? Or...is it about control? I don't think my ex rages at his new wife. I think he didn't like how I was confrontive and challenging. I think often men will pick more docile partners the second time around if they had a challenging partner.

I am not saying you are challenging him. But maybe he developed this style...as a defense. Maybe even early in life. I personally think man rages are an offensive defense. But what the heck do I know?

IDK. I am just babbling now. I find men very hard to read.

I SHOULD, yes. But there is fear of a fight for certain. And he makes it that way. It's about intimidation, and he does intimidate me from speaking up ALL the time. Not always, but sometimes I do not.

It's OK, and I fully understand triggers. And thank you for your support!

Abuse is always about power and control over another. So the physical restraint is about control and power... he feels powerless in his own life and so he needs to exert power over me.

And yes, his ex perhaps may have been more challenging to him, but I really do not know. I have never spoken to her and I have never met her. She sounded toxic too, however, though of course it's all based on what he tells me. She is/was an angry alcoholic, I do know that much. And she caused many ugly scenes in front of his friends, so I know that is true. She even chased one of his friends out of their home, literally. They all say she was a total nightmare. But then again, so is he! I think they were both entirely toxic together.

But with me? I've put down my foot numerous times about the yelling and raging at me, and it did get better somewhat for six months, even though there were still fights occurring. And he has been better about some issues that I've insisted upon him changing, yet the toxic behaviors still occur, nonetheless.

And the weed? It may make him more emotionally distant from me, but it's not my problem anymore to fix or resolve. I don't even care since I plan on leaving him. It's HIS problem. It's his addiction, and it's not my problem anymore.

All I care about now is maintaining my mental health, getting strong and staying sane while I am still with him, while planning my exit strategy.

And yes, about the physical restraint -- yes, I will mention that it needs to stop, the next time he does this.

He also physically will block my way when I am trying to move past him. Another intimidation tactic to exert control and power over me.

I am seeing everything now through the lens of abuse, power and control. That's why I say it's textbook abuse.

hugs hugs hugs

Everything you mentioned happened to me in that summer-long whatever-it-was. Mr. Summerlong would physically block me. It seems stupid now because it was something I had never experienced. It did escalate into an undesirable scenerio. This is going to sound...stupid...but I felt Mr. Summerlong had been traumatized early in life (and he was also a veteran) so all the stuff was like...a somatic language talking about his abuse. However, I was not his Mama or therapist. I couldn't help him even though we had long, long talks about all this stuff.

A year or two afterwards he left a phone message. In it he said although he appreciated and understood everything we talked about...he couldn't change his ways. He said it was too late. That he was an old dog who couldn't learn new tricks. (He was in his 40's so not that old.)


It was very sad.

Take care. Thank you for sharing.

My husband probably wants to be a good husband but just doesn’t know how to be one.

When we’re eating together he also 9/10 makes me wait to eat even though I’m starving. He doesn’t care at all unless I put up a huge stink. What is that about? More control? Denying me of my needs?