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Rive1976
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Trig Jul 02, 2020 at 03:18 PM
  #1
********Trigger Warning**** I have a question. Its about me. Some new information has come to light. When I was 8 years I apparently touched my little sister. My child therapist marked it in her notes. I dont remember touching her but I do remember the anxiety around it. That I felt anxious like I had to do it. Like I needed to, to make the anxiety go away. If I touched it would go away. It did but then guilt, fear, shame and a sense of doom swooped in. My sister was a new born. I guess I blocked the actual act out. Then that same anxiety like I had to touch would come back and I would have to fight for control not to act. Does this mean that I was sexually abused myself? Any reading material on this would be helpful. ***End Trigger***
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Smile Jul 03, 2020 at 01:34 PM
  #2
I'm sorry I don't know anything about this really. But I noticed you had yet to receive a reply. So I thought I would write one.

My personal, nonprofessional opinion would be that, while it's possible touching your sister could be a sign you were sexually abused, I think there could be other equally valid explanations as well. It's perfectly possible, I would think, touching your sister was at first a simple matter of childhood curiosity (after all, you were only 8 year old yourself) that caused you to develop a sense of guilt, fear, shame and doom as well as to cause you to feel compelled to do it again.

In a sense, perhaps, what you experienced was similar to what people who have OCD experience. I can recall, as a child (many years ago), having things I felt compelled to do. And, as an adult, while I've never been diagnosed as having OCD, I do still find myself experiencing some of those types of compulsions from time-to-time. Perhaps, although you might not be diagnosable as having OCD (assuming you haven't been) it's perfectly possible, I would guess, you might have some OCD-like tendencies as well?

To my mind, the important thing here would be to work on resolving any anxiety, guilt & shame you may feel now with regard to this. You didn't mention if you're seeing a therapist currently. But if you are I would think it might be important to talk this through with your current therapist, but if you're not currently seeing anyone, to consider doing so.

I'm sorry I don't have any reading material I can suggest to you with regard to your particular concern. Hopefully there will be other members who will have some suggestions they can offer. My best wishes to you...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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