I'm in a sinking ship, I don't know if I can escape...

I was always told guys have to be strong, and not show weakness but something that happened as a child has ruined my life and I have nobody to tell as i'm sinking no matter how much I bail out... Opening up about it is hard because in the past I faced bullied at school which made it worse to open up to someone.

And relating to other guys is hard because news story's about women sexual abusing there students is often laughed at or they say Nice i would give anything to bang my teacher at that age.

But I don't feel the same way, I cannot even have a female friend touch me without it triggering me or i duck because it makes me feel weird or takes me to a dark place and I hate it!! I don't feel human anymore, I always wanted the same as other people, to fall in love and have kids of my own working a crappy job and come home to work in the garage to avoid them, but i cannot even leave my own home to meet somebody let alone touch or hold her hand!

I wash my hands and face up to 60 times a day, because I always think in the back of my mind I'm dirty in some way... It gets worse when a woman touches me, even my friends daughter bothers me even knowing she is a great kid but I always have to was everything she touches and I feel like a freak.

I tell everyone it's not you it's me, even now as I write this I'm rocking back and forth trying to not feel suffocated, I have read up on it how I will become one to if I don't seek help, but I have no intention or feelings for such things.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I just wish I could find someone who can understand how I feel and maybe feel like I belong. My whole life has been nothing but horrors... I was abused by a stepfather, punished by being locked in the closet, I was sexually abused by a woman by my school because I always sat by myself, I was bullied in high school for being different, hit and my lunch tickets stolen, only to be scolded by my mom for losing them.

It caused an eating disorder, I eat to feel better, but seeing couples hold hands and posts about their new baby makes me sad and I eat more. I really feel like I cannot escape no matter what I do!

I had anxiety when I was a kid, I was always fearful she told me if I told anyone what I did with her I would go to jail, but being grown up I still feel the fear because of the Witch Hunts and Social Media victim shaming in our society,

I'm sorry for posting a lot, I needed to say something before it's to late.

I am sorry you were so terribly abused......There is help out there.....would you consider seeing a therapist? There is no reason to continue to suffer. xo

I have tried seeing several therapists, even a PTSD therapist after I was elevated but it abruptly ended because of insurance no longer covering it...
That's why I feel like every time I try to seek help I hit a brick wall, still sinking and I don't know where to turn next.

Hello SlowlySinking: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find being here on PC to be of benefit.

I would like to tell you something enlightening, but I can't. I eat to not feel empty inside and it makes me content with the world for a short while and then I eat again. Sexual abuse and being bullied really does damage to people and I hope that someday you find peace. As for me I have tried several things over my life to make my life better. Right now I have been practicing 'Acceptance'. I feel calmer, but I still eat a lot to fill the hole I feel inside of me. Thank you for your words, it takes courage to open yourself up. If you have anything else to add to your story, I would be interested in hearing about it.

Thank you for your post. Sorry for your ordeal. I just wanted to send this note to say that I can relate to your story. I was physically abused by my sister, and she used to beat me up on daily basis. I was called sissy, and loser for losing fights to a girl. My family did not help and kept saying why I wasn’t a man for losing fights. At school, I had such a low self esteem from all the beatings at home that I was everyone’s target. My lunch was taken from me, my money and people used to tease me all the time. I was also sexually abused by a couple of classmateS (One was a neighbour who used to see my beatings) and at home. I was sinking in my 20s. Therapy helped a lot, but I still have issues. I would highly recommend therapy but I understand you had problemS with insurance. I don’t have any magical solutions and I am dealing with this to this day.