Repressed memories of sexual abuse?

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here and it's gonna be quite long to read so please bear with me.

I'm a 30 year old female, currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first child. I've suffered from severe bulimia (binging and purging through vomiting) ever since I was 14. As far as I can remember, I've always suffered with mental issues, I have vague memories of seeing a therapist when I was about 5 because of severe abandonment fears. My mother recently told me again that I was an annoying kid, that it was impossible for her to leave the house without taking me with her as I would become extremely anxious and anguished, cry my lungs out and even vomit. I just didn't want to stay with anyone else if my mum wasn't around, especially with my dad, she couldn't leave me with him even for a short time.
I remember clearly all the anxiety I was feeling, I remember the gagging, vomiting, extreme anguish from the stress of being separated from here and being terrified that she'd died. I've never been a happy kid, I was not interested in playing with other kids and I didn't enjoy most things that kids like like going to theme parks, circuses and such. I was just in pain inside.
Fast forward to when I was a teenager, I've been groomed by an adult male when I was 14. He sexually abused me for 7 months without anyone noticing anything. I didn't see the Sexual stuff as abuse back then, I thought he liked me, I had no clue he was taking advantage of me. I've never said no clearly, even though I didn't want to do the things he made me do as I found them degrading but I liked him so I obliged, I thought it was cool that an older man was interested in me.
Before this even happened, I've had a lot of encounters that were just plain abusive and odd. My science teacher used to talk to me in a sexual manner when I was 12 or 13. And as far as I can remember, I've always had men being interested in me sexually even at a young age, I just don't understand why.
Now, the reason why I'm posting is because I've been haunted with the thought that my father might have sexually abused me for years. The thought that it did happen became unbearable and omnipresent ever since I got pregnant. I just can't take it off of my head and it's driving me nuts.
I don't have any memories that my dad ever did anything to me but i do remember a few things that are just very bizar in my opinion and it would help me tremendously if you could give me your opinion of it.
I've always had the impression that something was off with him, even when I was little, without ever knowing what it was, such a feeling of resentment and disgust.
I remember walking on him in the bathtub when I was about 5 years old, he was naked, I remember clearly his penis floting there, at the surface of the water and him smiling at me like he was proud of being seen naked, he did nothing to hide his penis, I remember the disgusting seductive look on his face and it makes me want to puke. I remember running out of the bathroom and the memory stops there.
When I was about 11, my parents and I went to the beach and my dad, who was in the water, just randomly took his swim pants down and shown my mum and I his butt (we were sitting on the sand). It was just so random, I never understood why he did that and my mum just laughed, it made me extremely uncomfortable. Especially that it's completely out of character, my dad refuses to wear shorts even in hot summer days because it's "inappropriate to show parts of our bodies".
A few years ago, my mother told me that when they were staying at my cousins place during the holiday, my dad would go to the bathroom at night fully naked, running the risk that my cousin, or her 2 pre teen children would see him. When she told him that it was inappropriate, he told her to mind her own business. It's like he actually want to be seen naked? It's so gross.
Several times I caught my dad looking at my very young nieces and nephews in a disgusting way, I can't even explain it and it seems that I'm the only one that notices it. It's the same look he had when I walked on him naked in the tub. I caught him going to the toilet once, going out without going to the bathroom to wash his hands, then taking my baby nephew and literally putting his hands all over his face and kissing him. It was effing disgusting and that scene just petrified me, like how am I the only one noticing the weird **** he does?
I feel he sexually abused me when I was very little, but I just cannot remember any of it. It drives me mad.
My life history kind of points towards the possibility that something did happen. The bulimia, chaotic love life where I almost always end up with sociopathic narcissistic men, unstable work life, I'm extremely introverted and always stays alone, people just don't feel safe. I'm terrified of having my little girl, whose narcissistic father abandoned us. I'm a mess and years of therapy did help but I've never talked about the doubts I have about my father in therapy, as I've always been very good at pushing it aside. For some reason ever since I got pregnant I just cannot ignore it anymore.

I can't have access to a therapist right now as I don't have the budget for it but I will consult one as soon as my financial situation allows it.

Please let me know what you think about all of it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. Welcome to Psych Central.