advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
twickers
New Member
twickers has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
3 yr Member
Default Jul 20, 2020 at 11:36 AM
  #1
Honestly, this is the last place I'd expect to find myself. I grew up being emotionally & physically abused by my mom. After I left home, I educated myself about domestic violence and abuse.

Now I'm 37 and realizing that my spouse has been emotionally and possibly sexually (more on that later) abusing me for I don't even know how long, and I couldn't see it until recently. I left them last week, and it's been such a relief, though now I'm finding myself feeling really confused all the time as I try to process what happened.

I think what made it so hard for me to see is that my spouse is socially justice-minded and is horrified by abusive relationships. They have had anti-violence training and volunteered for domestic violence shelters in the past. They couldn't see their own abusive behaviours though, and when I pointed them out to them, they were shocked. After I told them, they told me they were moving out, because they didn't want me to live with someone I didn't feel safe with.


On the possible sexual abuse:
My spouse and I enjoyed touching each other in pleasurable ways we considered non-sexual. Only they would sometimes claim I owed it to them, even though in the moment I wouldn't want to. I would be heavily guilted if I didn't, so usually I just did it anyway, even though it made me uncomfortable. I'm hesitant to label this sexual abuse, but it honestly feels like it is... anyone have some insight for me? If it's not, what would you call it?
twickers is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Fuzzybear, Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jul 22, 2020 at 12:11 PM
  #2
Hello twickers: Although I see you've also posted a thread in the New Members Introductions forum, I believe this is actually your first posted thread in your new account. So anyway, I thought since you have yet to receive a reply to this post, I would offer my welcome (back to PC) here. I hope you find being back to be of benefit.

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,298 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 29, 2020 at 05:14 AM
  #3
Welcome to pc, twickers!

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
wildflowerchild25
Elder
 
wildflowerchild25's Avatar
wildflowerchild25 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 6,431
10 yr Member
9,545 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 07, 2020 at 11:11 AM
  #4
I have had a similar awakening, and it is very disturbing to me, not least because my husband is dead now and has been for five years so I couldn’t even confront him if I wanted to. I came to the conclusion last night. I have been awake for 24 hours because I am so overwhelmed.

As for sexual abuse, I too questioned it and am still questioning it. Often I would be guilted into sex. I told myself I was just “annoyed” and it was easier to give in to “get him off my back”, but....I’m thinking now that it should t have happened at all. Look up sexual coercion. That accurately describes what I went through.

I just wanted to say I’m with you.

__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
wildflowerchild25 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ShaneG
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 08, 2020 at 06:11 PM
  #5
Twickers don’t beat yourself for not seeing it right away. These individuals are master manipulators and they know how to charm and gain your trust. They know how to seem charming and seem like they care about you. They often know how to sweep you off your feet just as in the movie gaslight.

Ironically these individuals are often involved with charities and other areas where the theme is helping others. They have a certain type they pick that they know they can manipulate.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Abusedbysister, ShaneG
 
Thanks for this!
Abusedbysister, ShaneG
ShaneG
Account Suspended
ShaneG has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2020
Location: Unknown
Posts: 707
3 yr Member
371 hugs
given
Default Aug 09, 2020 at 04:31 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Twickers don’t beat yourself for not seeing it right away. These individuals are master manipulators and they know how to charm and gain your trust. They know how to seem charming and seem like they care about you. They often know how to sweep you off your feet just as in the movie gaslight.

Ironically these individuals are often involved with charities and other areas where the theme is helping others. They have a certain type they pick that they know they can manipulate.
Spot on !
ShaneG is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Abusedbysister, Open Eyes
 
Thanks for this!
Abusedbysister
hobbypoet
Member
 
hobbypoet's Avatar
hobbypoet has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: East Coast
Posts: 55
3 yr Member
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 03:32 AM
  #7
I think you're seeing this clearly. If you were uncomfortable or didn't want to and coerced anyway? I'd say you picked up on something. No one should be forced or ever feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is a sign, our instincts, saying something is off. I know it's hard to process, so give yourself plenty of time to work it out mentally. But it sounds like you got out of that relationship for a good reason.
hobbypoet is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ShaneG
 
Thanks for this!
ShaneG
nicoleflynn
Grand Magnate
nicoleflynn has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
10 yr Member
60 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 07:33 AM
  #8
Sex should be something that is pleasurable and enjoyed by 2 people.......being guilted......abuse.
nicoleflynn is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Phrysca
Member
 
Phrysca's Avatar
Phrysca has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 72
3 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Sep 03, 2020 at 05:18 PM
  #9
It's been two years since I got out of the "relationship" I was in, if you could really call it a relationship. Those thoughts of confusion are not doubts, they come with the territory of something new. Especially if you were in a relationship for a long time. Also because the abuser always blames the one being abused so those doubts are also a reaction of not wanting to believe that it wasn't your fault. Hang in there. I hope things look better soon.
Phrysca is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:10 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.