Actively trying to be better.

Pauwv Pinhoti · 11:40 AM

This is unfamiliar territory for me. It's always been hard for me to reach out and engage other people so I'm just going lay it out the best I can. Please forgive if it seems like random thoughts thrown together; it kind of is. I'm 39 and have moved around the country a lot, which meant I often ended up being "the new guy" and never really feeling as close to others that grew up together. I've learned that's not always the case because I have made and kept some great relationships in my adult life. I'm still not able to share openly. However, with the pandemic putting my job, producing live music events, that I've worked very hard to be the best I can and still really love and enjoy at a stand still for an unknown amount of time I've had a lot of opportunity to think which is usually overthinking. I've done therapy and counseling but always end up moving and not following through. I've been diagnosed with add/adhd by one then depression followed immediately with c-ptsd so who knows. I am smart enough to not self-diagnose or let the people who have a text book and a few college classes do so. Just by interacting and observing people and having to struggle with multiple symptoms that I've read trying to understand myself that these things don't go away or just get better with time and I want to address them. At around 3 or 4 my stepfather moved us the first time and it seems like as soon as he did

Possible trigger:

the beatings started. Memory at that age is fuzzy but I remember every detail of that tile on the floor in that kitchen from being thrown from my chair for not leaning over my plate at the table, the plate followed and I still had to eat it. It would sometimes start after he got of work or in the middle of the night. He would do the same to my mom until I would try to stop then it was back to me and vice versa. My sister was born when I was five and he was so proud of his own kid that looked just like him that things got worse because now I was at fault for everything. BTW my sister is my best friend and some of the only good memories from childhood. I spent until I was 15 doing anything I could think of just to delay the next time that was sure to happen. I'll never understand why this happened or why my mother would always let him back or move us back into that over and over but she was a victim as well and I always forgave her and still do. The bad dreams still come a lot and I wake up and flinch like I did growing up. I still catch myself trying to be as quiet as possible walking to the bathroom or getting something from the kitchen out of practiced habit even when I am alone.

I'm going to stop now. This is really heavy and I want to put it down for a bit. I hope this is readable because I'm not going to proofread or edit. Thank you for having a place to share. I don't know what I'm doing so if you read this and have any direction please advise.

Skeezyks · Jul 22, 2020 at 12:19 PM

Hello Pauwv Pinhoti: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know as there is much in the way of direction I can offer beyond simply continuing to post. Things tend to move quickly here on PC. Sometimes it can take a bit of time to become known. The more you post your own threads, but especially the more you reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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