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Old 07-31-2020, 10:33 PM   #1
ogskywalker8918
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Trig was what happened abuse or was it just bad?

This has been a situation i've been struggling with ever since it happened, since I never received closure or an apology. It happened a long time ago but a few days ago the boy who did this to me died of an overdose, so it's been making me relive the situation. Basically, three years ago when I was 16 I had a group of friends, and this boy was in it who was 16 as well. He was always really nice and sweet to me and we hung out with our friends, but never just by ourselves. It was in high school and all my friends got mad at me and wouldn't talk to me for a while, so I was at school alone for a while and it really hurt me and really made me feel alone and vulnerable. This friend reached out to me during all this while he knew I was alone and had no friends, and asked me if I wanted to hook up. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend but asked me not to tell anyone because he didn't want people to spread rumors like people in high school tend to do. I said yes because I was really alone and it felt like someone finally liked me. He knew I was a virgin and I was really nervous but we planned to have sex the next day. We met up and started kissing and doing other stuff and then I told him we had to use a condom so he put one on. When we started having sex it hurt so bad I wanted to cry, I didn't tell him to stop or slow down but it hurt really bad and I was bleeding a lot too. At point point he tried to not use a condom while I wasn't looking but I saw and told him to put it back on. At one point he stopped and was finishing himself off and then he came on my face without asking me. I was really confused but I thought it wasn't a big deal. He immediately told me I should leave. I went to the bathroom and I realized he made me bleed through my clothes. I tried not to think about it and I had nobody I could tell because nobody would talk to me, which he knew. The day after I found out he never broke up with his girlfriend, so he basically used me in a vulnerable place to cheat on his girlfriend. When my friends would finally talk to me again and I worked up the courage to tell them, they were confused because they said this guy said he hated me. They asked him about what happened and he denied the whole thing and called me crazy and said I was making the whole thing up. At this point I was really scared of him, I would see him at school and have panic attacks and have to go home. He kept telling people I made the whole thing up and nothing ever happened, and even tried to tell people he's never even met me. At this point he was getting all my friends to not like me again and I was more alone than I was ever. He got my own friends to stay his friends and think what happened was my fault, and I had to see them everyday. At this point I was very suicidal, and I tried to not think about any of it at all. I didn't let myself understand what happened because I hated thinking about it. After we had sex I never confronted him or talked to him about it because I was so scared of him. He sexually assaulted another girl too while this was all happening. Now that he died, it's bringing all of this back up and I've been having to deal with never having closure from him. He never apologized to me or even admitted what he did. My current friends have been trying to make me realize that just because he didn't hold me down and force me doesn't mean he didn't abuse me, he still used fear and manipulation against me while I was in a vulnerable place, and also tried to not use a condom while I wasn't looking and also came on my face without asking. I really just need some honest non biased opinions on what happened, because this is all really confusing and hard for me.

Last edited by bluekoi; 07-31-2020 at 11:36 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Old 08-01-2020, 06:46 AM   #2
nicoleflynn
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Default Re: was what happened abuse or was it just bad?

I am so sorry....yes, he used you.....that is abuse.
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Old 08-01-2020, 01:18 PM   #3
Skeezyks
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Smile Re: was what happened abuse or was it just bad?

Hello ogskywalker: Thank you for sharing this traumatic experience. I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

Here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help with putting what was done to you into some perspective as well as with charting your way forward:

Coping with Sexual Abuse | Psych Central

Understanding Sexual Assault: Identification, Prevention, and Survivor Recovery

Sexual Assault: What Is It? How to Empower Recovery for Survivors

Building Empowerment After Sexual Assault

Coping with Flashbacks

https://psychcentral.com/blog/unders...al-flashbacks/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...tional-wounds/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 08-02-2020, 10:14 AM   #4
amandalouise
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Default Re: was what happened abuse or was it just bad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ogskywalker8918 View Post
This has been a situation i've been struggling with ever since it happened, since I never received closure or an apology. It happened a long time ago but a few days ago the boy who did this to me died of an overdose, so it's been making me relive the situation. Basically, three years ago when I was 16 I had a group of friends, and this boy was in it who was 16 as well. He was always really nice and sweet to me and we hung out with our friends, but never just by ourselves. It was in high school and all my friends got mad at me and wouldn't talk to me for a while, so I was at school alone for a while and it really hurt me and really made me feel alone and vulnerable. This friend reached out to me during all this while he knew I was alone and had no friends, and asked me if I wanted to hook up. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend but asked me not to tell anyone because he didn't want people to spread rumors like people in high school tend to do. I said yes because I was really alone and it felt like someone finally liked me. He knew I was a virgin and I was really nervous but we planned to have sex the next day. We met up and started kissing and doing other stuff and then I told him we had to use a condom so he put one on. When we started having sex it hurt so bad I wanted to cry, I didn't tell him to stop or slow down but it hurt really bad and I was bleeding a lot too. At point point he tried to not use a condom while I wasn't looking but I saw and told him to put it back on. At one point he stopped and was finishing himself off and then he came on my face without asking me. I was really confused but I thought it wasn't a big deal. He immediately told me I should leave. I went to the bathroom and I realized he made me bleed through my clothes. I tried not to think about it and I had nobody I could tell because nobody would talk to me, which he knew. The day after I found out he never broke up with his girlfriend, so he basically used me in a vulnerable place to cheat on his girlfriend. When my friends would finally talk to me again and I worked up the courage to tell them, they were confused because they said this guy said he hated me. They asked him about what happened and he denied the whole thing and called me crazy and said I was making the whole thing up. At this point I was really scared of him, I would see him at school and have panic attacks and have to go home. He kept telling people I made the whole thing up and nothing ever happened, and even tried to tell people he's never even met me. At this point he was getting all my friends to not like me again and I was more alone than I was ever. He got my own friends to stay his friends and think what happened was my fault, and I had to see them everyday. At this point I was very suicidal, and I tried to not think about any of it at all. I didn't let myself understand what happened because I hated thinking about it. After we had sex I never confronted him or talked to him about it because I was so scared of him. He sexually assaulted another girl too while this was all happening. Now that he died, it's bringing all of this back up and I've been having to deal with never having closure from him. He never apologized to me or even admitted what he did. My current friends have been trying to make me realize that just because he didn't hold me down and force me doesn't mean he didn't abuse me, he still used fear and manipulation against me while I was in a vulnerable place, and also tried to not use a condom while I wasn't looking and also came on my face without asking. I really just need some honest non biased opinions on what happened, because this is all really confusing and hard for me.
Im sory but we can not diagnose (tell you) whether this is abuse for you.

this is a mental health website that spans around the world and has members of many different locations, cultures, religions and so on. and each of these have different rules and guidlenines of what is abuse and what isnt...

for example in one culture no its not abuse in another yes it is, in one religion
no and another yes... not to mention because this is a mental health website you are asking people who are mentally ill to tell you whether something is abuse or not for you. mental illness and sometimes the meds that treat it can cause people to not have good judgement about what is and isnt abuse...

I am sorry that I can not offer you a diagnosis of whether something in you or happening to you is abuse or not. I am not in your body, in your location, of your culture, religion and so forth....

if you feel something was or may have been abuse you will need to contact the those in your off computer location who can make this determination /diagnosis of the situation... ie your doctors, therapists and so forth who are qualified to answer your questions as they pertain directly to you, your location and so on.
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