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cluelessgal
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Unhappy Sep 14, 2020 at 04:28 PM
  #1
Hello everyone. I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I have had therapy for it. I have shed my tears. I want nothing more than to put it behind me under 'ancient history' section. However, the brain I inherited because of my experiences is ruining my life.

I was always an imaginative kid. Sometime before my teenage, I started fantasizing my future. It still was largely in control - just something I did before sleeping or when I was listening to music. During the height of my abuse - I daydreamed heavily. It was a good distraction as only imagining lives of fictional characters gave me a sense of solace and control. It became obsessive to a point where I would obsessively daydream about them even before exams, knowing fully well that I'd fail if I don't study. My education has mostly been average. When I went for a job, I'd somewhat be able to focus on my job, since I can't daydream in public and I didn't want to be yelled at by bosses. Then I fell into depression, suffered writers' block....so had no option but to quit my job. I entered therapy, overcame depression...became a somewhat more functional adult.

My daydreaming obsession has been a little bit replaced by healthier addictions, like - social media and reading listicles/blogs. I'd call it somewhat healthier since I found a wealth of useless information .

But when it comes to daydreaming, it has become such an integral part of my life that I 'think and understand' only through my characters (who actually have become very complex characters experiencing very complex emotions and situations). I obsessively imagine my characters' scenarios. But I pretty much feel nothing for most people in reality. I literally "experience the world" through my characters. I get the appeal of this dream world compared to reality. I could have great conversation in my head, whereas in reality, most of my conversations are stunted. I have 100% control over the situation. My characters behave exactly the way I want them to, unlike reality where people are unpredictable and needy. I almost get the satisfaction of "achieving" something when my characters achieve something....like my one character eventually becomes part of the security adviser team to the Defense Minister.

I try to pull up myself for "living" in this fictional world - do meditation, write journal, read helpful books, imagine a happier childhood, be at psychcentral......but something or other would happen and I'd slip back. I am exhausted of this 2 steps forward, 1.99 steps backward. I am tired of this cycle of becoming productive for 2 days and various stages of unproductive for 2 months. You may say, like I told myself, that it's still 0.01 steps forward.....but 12 years have gone by without any major changes in my life....last 8 years has been exactly the same. Wake up at 11-12. Check emails. Check social media. Cook. Binge watch some show. Pretend to sleep. Daydream. Make dinner. Internet/daydream some more. Sleep at 4-5. REPEAT. I am reaching a stage where I am permanently giving up on becoming a functional adult.

I could list a thousand reasons why I am the way I am, but at the heart of the problem is that I feel pretty unlikable and unlovable.
It's difficult for me to even imagine being loved and valued (despite very strong imagination), leave alone actually feel loved and valued.

I am dead to me. My characters on the other hand have very fulfilling albeit complex life. One of them recently became a mom to a healthy, beautiful baby girl...only to realize her daughter's rare eye color deeply resembles that of her uncle's cousin's wife and her husband, daughter and the uncle's cousin's wife share the same blood group. The uncle's cousin's wife thinks she gave birth to a dead girl after being raped, and mourns her loss, when in reality she gave birth to a son, who was given up for adoption.


Please help.
Thank you for reading.

Last edited by cluelessgal; Sep 14, 2020 at 05:09 PM..
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nicoleflynn
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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 06:03 PM
  #2
Therapy could help.
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Skeezyks
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Smile Sep 18, 2020 at 05:00 PM
  #3
Thanks for sharing this. You mentioned you've had at least some therapy. At the end of your post, you asked for help. Honestly I don't know how to be of help. You wrote you are a survivor of childhood abuse. So I presume the fantasy world you have created for yourself is a way of coping with the abuse you endured. And, over time, it has become so ingrained in your psyche that you simply can't let go of it no matter how hard you try.

I don't know what type of therapy you had or for how long. But perhaps the answer here is therapy with a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of childhood abuse? Here are links to 6 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of healing from childhood abuse just in case you're not already familiar with them. Perhaps there will be some useful insights within them:

Healing Your Inner Child

A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame

Recovering from Childhood Abuse: The Past Keeps Getting Clearer

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child

How I Healed My Inner Child

https://psychcentral.com/blog/healing-my-inner-child/

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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 05:04 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Thanks for sharing this. You mentioned you've had at least some therapy. At the end of your post, you asked for help. Honestly I don't know how to be of help. You wrote you are a survivor of childhood abuse. So I presume the fantasy world you have created for yourself is a way of coping with the abuse you endured. And, over time, it has become so ingrained in your psyche that you simply can't let go of it no matter how hard you try.

I don't know what type of therapy you had or for how long. But perhaps the answer here is therapy with a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of childhood abuse? Here are links to 6 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of healing from childhood abuse just in case you're not already familiar with them. Perhaps there will be some useful insights within them:

Healing Your Inner Child

A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame

Recovering from Childhood Abuse: The Past Keeps Getting Clearer

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child

How I Healed My Inner Child

https://psychcentral.com/blog/healing-my-inner-child/


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