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puurp
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Default Oct 23, 2020 at 05:09 PM
  #1
I'm fourteen and I've just started high school. Because of Covid, I've had a withdrawal from society and I don't talk to any of my friends anymore. However, I've found a really great community of friends on Discord and I feel that they are the only people who make me feel happy anymore. At home, I get yelled at almost everyday. I've noticed my grades have been dropping, and my parents say it is because of my online friends. Even when I am doing homework and not talking to anyone, my parents burst into my room and yell at me because I am not done my homework. Because of my parents, I lost my desire to do well in school and complete my schoolwork, because no matter what I will get yelled at. In my midterm report card, I got 1 A and 2 B's which I thought was not bad. The 2 classes I had gotten B's in are taught by a really strict teacher and most of the class had gotten the same grade as me. I am in a program for so-called 'gifted students' and I'm really proud of myself. However, my parents overlook this and don't care about any of my achievements. They only see my bad grades and say that I will never get into university. My dad has even resorted to doing random checks in my laptop and phone. Earlier today he took my phone and said he will yell at all of my friends in it and tell them not to talk to me. I was doing homework just now and he came over and searched through my settings. I have no idea what he was looking for. Yesterday I took a break and was watching some Netflix, and he came in and yelled at me because I was not doing homework. I'm sorry that I didn't finish; it's due next week and I am already done a quarter... I really want to run away from home and cry. Once, my father checked a homework assignment of mine and i got 2 wrong out of 25. He yelled at me and said I will never accomplish anything. He's always yelling at me. On 2 occasions he had slapped me and hit me, and he has even made me slap myself. He said if I didn't slap myself, he would hit me. I am so angry at myself whenever I smile at home, because this house reminds me of all the horrible things in my life. Every single bad thing that happened outside pales in comparison to what I experience in this house. I want all of my happy memories to be associated away from this horrible horrible home. But I understand my dad's anger. In the summer and early spring, when I had no school and was just home all day, I talked to my friends and played games everyday. I had even stayed up at night playing. My parents didn't mind at first, then started to care in the summer. They would take my laptop away and I would sneak downstairs and steal it back. Then they started to cut off my wifi at 10:30, and I was angry about this but said nothing. Recently, they made my wifi cut off at 8:30 so I cannot even finish my homework. They expect me to finish a giant project the day I am assigned it; they want me to work on it nonstop until I am done. I am allowed no breaks. Then when I say my wifi is cut off, they yell at me because I am not done. I am also very easily distracted; I talk to my friends a lot and I procrastinate.. I understand why my parents would be angry. Am i being abused or do i deserve this?
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Yaowen
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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 12:43 PM
  #2
Dear puurp,

I am so very, very sorry you are in this situation. It is really heartbreaking!

Every human being has things about themselves that need improvement and things that deserve to be appreciated, praised and treasured. Everyone is like this. In an ideal family there would be balance between appreciation and criticism. But sadly, none of us live in ideal families although some seem to be worse off or better off than others.

Many people get "stuck" in an attitude of "could be better, but isn't better." Some look at themselves this way. Some look at others this way. Some look at almost everything this way. And it is a fact that you and I and everyone could be better but isn't better. But it is also a fact that there are other facts.

For example, you and I and anyone "could be worse, but isn't worse." But people get "stuck" in the first point of view, the "could be better, but isn't better" point of view and they are unable to move between the two ways of looking at things. When this happens, things become very unbalanced. The "could be better, but isn't better" way of looking at things quite naturally produces very definite feelings and moods: anger, sadness, frustration, aggravation, disappointment, guilt, blame, hard feelings, and sometimes even hopelessness.

The "could be worse, but isn't worse" point of view tends to produce very different feelings and moods: appreciation, gratitude, love, peace of mind, feeling lucky or blessed, happiness and joy of living.

That people get "stuck" in the "could be better, but isn't better" perspective and lose balance is not always their fault. And people can get stuck and forget how to appreciate and value and treasure themselves and others. People can lose touch and cross the line of what is acceptable behavior.

Getting "stuck" in the "could be better but isn't better" outlook can cause people to lose perspective. For example, there have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and campaigns of forced starvation. Now that is something really bad. I know that any mistakes you have made in your life are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from badness like that. But sometimes people treat themselves as though they were this bad when they are far from it. And sometimes we treat the behavior of others as though it was this bad.

You are someone who has done literally countless little and big acts of bravery and courage in your life so far, countless little and big acts of intelligence, countless little and big acts of kindness and goodness.

We all fall down sometimes for whatever reason. None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Infinite Beings. Sometimes we fall down in various ways. But please consider this if you will. Life is like walking. In a lifetime most people will take thousands and thousands of steps when walking. The vast majority of these steps; 99.99% of these steps will not result in a fall. But a fall can be very dramatic. A person can get hurt in a fall. And so the memory of a fall can be very vivid. And sometimes people remember their falls but forget the thousands of times they have not fallen. That is also related to the "could be better but isn't better" way of looking at things. So people can forget to appreciate themselves and others, forget to treasure themselves and others.

Ideally we would have a balance between the "could be better, but isn't better" attitude and the "could be worse, but isn't worse" attitude. Ideally we would be able to strive for self-improvement AND appreciate the tens of thousands of things that are good about us. And ideally parents would do this too. But families are seldom ideal and family life can get messy.

I wish I knew what to say to ease the pain of what you are going through because it is heartbreaking. My family was far from ideal and my parents were very much like yours, so my heart goes out to you. I hope things get better for you. I grew up thinking my family was really horrible and horrible things did happen to me when I was growing up. Now I see that part of the problem was that my parents were very unhappy themselves and often took out their unhappiness on me.

Since I am not a doctor or medical professional of any kind, I cannot give you any advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. Even the things I have written to you today could very well be wrong. I have been wrong about things many times in my life. I hope other people with more knowledge, experience, compassion, understanding, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with things that prove really helpful to you. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering. It breaks my heart. I have met many wise people here on the Forums and I hope they will respond to your post. It takes a great deal of heroism and nobility to grow up in a difficult family situation and so I can only look up to you in admiration. Sorry that I don't have any "answers" for the things causing your stress and distress.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 02:06 PM
  #3
I would class this as abuse (yelling isn’t exactly a kind thing to do. I think it’s acceptable in some circumstances - say if someone is in immediate danger and needs to be warned etc, but it’s not appropriate in your case). Slapping is definitely unacceptable.
You don’t need perfect grades to get into university. Of course they need to be good, but lots of people have gone on to have great careers without any further education at all.
Your parents are setting you up to fail your school work, ironic considering they don’t want you to fail, invading your privacy (though I grudgingly have to accept this might actually be legal where you live. Doesn’t mean I agree with it) and trying to isolate you from your friends. On top of that, they’re blaming you for your (reasonable) reactions to all this. You DON’T deserve any of this.
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Marie123
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Default Oct 25, 2020 at 07:22 AM
  #4
Yes, this is abuse....verbal and physical. Is there a school counselor you can talk to?
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Default Oct 31, 2020 at 06:41 PM
  #5
Yes, it is at the point where it can be called abuse. It is definitely harming you emotionally.

Onceuptonatime I was that parent who expected perfection of my children without realizing the damage it was causing them. I wonder if it would be possible to show your parents this post and let them know how you feel. SOME parents who do this kind of thing can change their behavior if they are shown how much it it damaging their child. Ultimately they are likely doing this because they really do want the best for you.... but they are blind to the harm they are causing you because of their anxiety about your future and their unrealistic demands. Their want is for their child to be successful and high achieving. They are forgetting to see YOU. They are not seeing YOU. And they are not seeing how much you are hurting, or how much their behavior is driving you further and further away from them (and, obviously, driving you further and further away from being able to fulfil their dreams).
I think there is the possibility that if you can find a way to truly let them know how their behavior is affecting you it *might* help them see how harmful their behavior is, and you might be able to affect some change. I realize this is a massive ask of a 14 year old kid. Do you have a school guidance counselor who might be able to help you?
But yes, this is harmful and abusive behavior on their part (although they probably wouldn't see it that way). and you do have the right to do something about it. It would be really helpful if you could find a trusted adult to help you address it.
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Default Oct 31, 2020 at 07:28 PM
  #6
I agree with what has been said about your parents not knowing that they are doing a harm to yourself. Don’t be hard on them. I’m sure they want the best for you and they are concerned.
What happen is that very few in this society are ready to change and admit that a kid, a son or a daughter are singular persons, over being the son of or being the daughter of. Each of them unique, different are valuable themselves.
It’s a different conception that still is gonna get a time to get.
I also was raised as you. Your parents probably think that the way to provide the best future for you is to push you like they are doing.
Said that, I do totally understand how you feel. You are very precious, you know it? No matter how long it takes you to achieve a certain goal. What matter is what you want to achieve. You are free and unique and this is the most important.
I’m sure if you follow your nature and fight for what you want you are gonna get it faster than anything because it’s what you want.
Your parents are subjects of lots of affection but you have to find your own way.

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Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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