Trying to Write/Talk About What Happened

I had a strange experience recently. I tried to sit down and write out the childhood experiences of sexual abuse that caused my current mental health problems. When I started, I immediately froze and found myself unable to write any of it down, despite having all the memories clear as day in my mind as if they happened yesterday.

This caused a bad spiral of black moods and general chaos in my interactions and general perception of things for the last week or two, maybe longer I'm not sure. I'm in therapy, but I have never been explicit with anyone about what happened to me including my therapist. Even though I know that what happened is not really my fault, the tremendous shame and embarrassment the memories cause me are seemingly insurmountable.

I've always felt sick at the thought of talking about being a "victim" or "survivor" with other people in person. Even seeing scenes in movies or reading about it in books makes me uncomfortable. I have developed a number of OCD symptoms/neuroses regarding privacy and propriety.

I'm desperate for any help with this, as I feel like I'm having a bit of a crisis in trying to get over these things in time for my first EMDR treatment in a few days.

Also want to make a quick apology to anyone on these forums I left hanging for a reply recently. It's been a difficult time. Should be posting more in coming days.

Thanks in advance for any answers.

Traumatic memories are encoded in our neural pathways differently and don't lend themselves easily to words. That's one of the reasons why EMDR is a great tool for trauma therapy - you don't have to speak your trauma to heal from it.

I can't articulate much of my trauma at all, even though some parts of myself (I have DID) can "think" it really clearly. Trying to convert the trauma experience into written or spoken words causes a full on trauma response.

You are not alone.

Edited to add: "Go with that". You don't have to write it or speak it before your first EMDR session, even if that is what your therapist has asked you to do. Your therapist will appreciate you giving it your best effort and stopping if it causes you more trauma. One of the most self-honoring things you could do for yourself right now is to take exactly what you have written above to your therapist, and to let that be enough. (It IS enough). That's right where you are right now, in all your authentic, honest, glory. So...

"Go with that."

Words are powerful.....I decided instead of seeing myself as a "victim" or "survivor........I see myself as an overcomer! I feel that I overcame....a childhood of abuse, fatherlessness, poverty and molestation, 31 years of an abusive marriage and abuse from a church. How we think of ourselves is powerful....we can change our thoughts. Keeping a journal can be helpful, also. xo

If you wish you can begin to put the shame and blame where it belongs....on the abuser. I know how hard that is, because you fight the thoughts in your head. Perhaps think of it in terms of....if you had a child and he/she was abused, would you blame the child? Of course not. xo

Thanks for the responses. I see the wisdom jn all of the above suggestions. They definitely help me think about the whole thing in a healthier way, but I can't seem to get over the writing/speaking blockage yet. Perhaps the emdr therapy will help with that.

Thanks again.

Can you set a timer for 5min daily and build? Schedule it in to your day?