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Old 11-12-2020, 08:21 AM   #11
Have Hope
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You are doing every thing you can to get out of abuse.....I did all of the things you did, also.......and got a divorce after 31 years of abuse. Keep on keeping on! xo
Thank you @Marie123!
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Old 11-12-2020, 08:22 AM   #12
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This morning he barely said "hello" to me when I got up and came downstairs to greet him. Then as he was leaving, he barely kisses me and barely says goodbye to me. So I ask him "what's wrong"? He grumbles to me that he doesn't feel good, and is about to walk out the door. So I ask, "what do you mean? What's wrong with you?" So he gets mad and barks at me, "Why are you probing me?! Why are you asking me all these questions!?" So I tell him, "WTF! I'm you wife! You told me you don't feel good, you barely kiss me goodbye, so I am asking what's wrong!" He manages to tell me what's wrong, but made it clear he was angry that I would even ask. Then he called me a few minutes later at an attempt talk, and he gets mad all over again and tells me his day is ruined, insinuating it's MY Fault.

What an a-hole. I HATE HIM. I really f-ing HATE him.
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Old 11-21-2020, 02:03 PM   #13
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I see a TON of women - the majority of abused women on abuse Facebook groups where I am a member - remaining in an abusive marriage or relationship trying to make it work for YEARS on end. 10-15-20 years!

I finally asked the question in one of these abuse support groups:

WHY are we as women accepting FAR LESS than what we actually deserve when it comes to true love, respect, and reciprocal caring within relationships?

I am astounded that so many women remain in abusive situations because ultimately, they are afraid to be alone. And that is one of the biggest reasons why these women stay.

OR their self esteem is SO battered that they feel bread crumbs of periodic expressed love are far better than being alone.

And yes, of course there's also situations where children and lack of financial independence keep many women in abusive relationships far longer than they may desire.

And then there's the women who think they can change their abuser, and make it their life's mission.

It makes me SO incredibly and deeply sad about the state of women's mentality in today's society.

Sure, am I afraid to be alone? YES. HELL YES. I AM afraid! I am 50 years old and I am scared s-h-i-t-less to be alone and to face the depths of loneliness!

Yet, at the same time, I feel that being alone is the most empowering experience one can ever have! It's an opportunity to learn and to gain much needed SELF LOVE, to embrace one's own company and to learn how to be happy and comfortable with one's own company, to expand one's life to make room for other endeavors, such as a new hobby, gaining a new skill, new friendships or travel!

To me, there is a certain DIGNITY involved in being alone. And there is NO dignity involved in being in an abusive and volatile relationship. It erodes a woman's sense of self worth AND self esteem.

And the longer a woman stays? The worse it gets! There is little hope to changing an abuser. LITTLE. Maybe a smidgen of hope for the rare few who can admit to their problem FULLY and seek help for it. The majority will never change.
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Old 11-22-2020, 11:16 AM   #14
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There are so many reasons women stay.

1. Some stay because they feel that being independent and self supporting is even more difficult than enduring abuse. Many are convinced that they must have a man to pay bills, cgange oil in their car, drive places, fix things etc They can’t snd won’t learn independence so they’d rather stay abused

2. Wrongly assumed that “for better or worse” also includes enduring abuse. Wrong

3. Can’t and don’t know how to be alone

4. Wrongly assume that it’s healthier for kids to observe parents in bad marriage than having parents divorced. Wrong. Then they should not be surprised their kids aren’t able to be in good relationships themselves: they never saw one

5. Fear. Fear of consequences. Fear that it could worse if you leave. My husbands ex threatened suicide if he left her (and attempted when he tried to leave first time), causing him problems at work (she tried that when he finally left), causing him problems with kids (she tried that too, didn’t succeed), threaten to not allow him to see kids (she tried that), threatened to unleash smear campaign (she tried that). It took him many years to leave her and for kids to grow up and finally estrange from her.
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Old 11-22-2020, 11:41 AM   #15
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There are so many reasons women stay.

1. Some stay because they feel that being independent and self supporting is even more difficult than enduring abuse. Many are convinced that they must have a man to pay bills, cgange oil in their car, drive places, fix things etc They can’t snd won’t learn independence so they’d rather stay abused

2. Wrongly assumed that “for better or worse” also includes enduring abuse. Wrong

3. Can’t and don’t know how to be alone

4. Wrongly assume that it’s healthier for kids to observe parents in bad marriage than having parents divorced. Wrong. Then they should not be surprised their kids aren’t able to be in good relationships themselves: they never saw one

5. Fear. Fear of consequences. Fear that it could worse if you leave. My husbands ex threatened suicide if he left her (and attempted when he tried to leave first time), causing him problems at work (she tried that when he finally left), causing him problems with kids (she tried that too, didn’t succeed), threaten to not allow him to see kids (she tried that), threatened to unleash smear campaign (she tried that). It took him many years to leave her and for kids to grow up and finally estrange from her.
All very good points. Thanks for your input!

I find it sad when women don't want to find ways to be more independent and when women completely depend on men for financial support and all the rest, especially in today's world. I am someone who is fiercely independent and self reliant, so being self sufficient has always been very important to me. But that's just me. I cannot imagine having to depend on a man in so many ways, especially financially -- and I cannot imagine that being so dependent could prevent me from breaking free of abuse. I am in a more dependent state right now, as you know, and it's making me insane. I cannot stand it.
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Old 11-22-2020, 12:10 PM   #16
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Temporary dependence is understandable.

I had one woman chastising me once why I was fixing my own car (getting a new tire). I wasn’t fixing it myself. I drove to a dealership! She was questioning why my husband wasn’t doing it. My husband is not a car mechanic! He is RN and was on 12 hour work shift! By the time he’d get out dealership would be closed plus he’d not go a dealership in scrubs with potentially hazardous body fluids on and what difference does it make who takes car to the dealership????

She said she never in her life took her cars to repairs or did anything else car related. I thought it was the stupidest idiotic thing I ever heard. And she was getting kind of indignant about it too and I was forced to defend why I am taking my own car to get fixed geez But that’s how many women live their whole life. And if their husband dies they have to look for other people to take care of them.

My sister in law is this way (minus abuse). If something happens to my brother, their kids will have to take care of her but if not kids she’d have to depend probably on me and my husband. I don’t even think she knows where their bank is at
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Old 11-22-2020, 12:16 PM   #17
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Temporary dependence is understandable.

I had one woman chastising me once why I was fixing my own car (getting a new tire). I wasn’t fixing it myself. I drove to a dealership! She was questioning why my husband wasn’t doing it. My husband is not a car mechanic! He is RN and was on 12 hour work shift! By the time he’d get out dealership would be closed plus he’d not go a dealership in scrubs with potentially hazardous body fluids on and what difference does it make who takes car to the dealership????

She said she never in her life took her cars to repairs or did anything else car related. I thought it was the stupidest idiotic thing I ever heard. And she was getting kind of indignant about it too and I was forced to defend why u sm taking my own car to get fixed geez
WOW -- that is rather mind blowing. I suppose some women are far more traditional, even today, and still believe that a man should provide for them and take care of them. It's a state and principle of helplessness to live by when we're not helpless at all. I don't view men or relationships in this way myself.
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