I do not love my mother. What do I do when she's old and needy?

I do not love my mother. What do I do when she's old and needy?
Hi, I'm 33. My mom is infantile. She got married when she was 18. I was born when she was 19.
Normally she is average mom. But I think I was too needy and pathetic. What do I do when she's old and needy?

my mother is hysterical. all my childhood I saw how she was fighting with my father (most of the times, literally).
she, on the other hand, thinks of herself as a victim. she was abused sexually in childhood (9 y.o.), she did not receive much of her mother’s love (who had two other children and also raised another granddaughter).
For everybody else, she is a nice lady, not so smart, somewhat hysterical, but nice. She loved her mother, Perhaps, too much, but later about this.

When she was pregnant, she left my father and started living with her parents.
When I was born and my dad wanted to meet me at the hospital, the mother’s family did not let him know the address.
When the mother was pregnant with me, she dreamt about a son. According to her words, everyone told her by the shape of her belly she was expecting a boy.
So, she made up a name for boy only. I kept asking her if she was disappointed when she saw a girl, but ofc she denied that.
I was given a name by my grandfather. A terrible, country-like name I hated all my 14 years before I changed that by myself.
Finally, mother reunited with my father when I was 2–3 m.o. but then they separated again and again, not sure for how long.
My mom went to work because of a lack of money when I was 3 m.o. She left me with my grandparents, where also lived my cousin, their granddaughter, who was 7 years older than me. I saw my mother only on weekends.

My grandmother kept saying that no one should be compared with her first granddaughter and that she loved both of us, but you understand, I was always the second.

When I was 6 m.o. I was diagnosed very late with Intussusception and had to go through surgery. I received a huge scar on my belly (now it’s about 10 cm length, in infancy, it must have been all my belly length).
I was pathetic. I was lonely. I had the lowest self-esteem possible.
I went to school near my grandparents’ house as well. When I started going to elementary school I had a bossy teacher who wouldn’t let me out to the bathroom, so I ended up pooing in my pants. I was devastated. All my mother did was nodding to the teacher, no strict talk, no changing the class. Nothing.
I had very low self-esteem. I hated my name. I never took initiative. I was pathetic.
When I was about 9 y.o. my mother took me to live with her and my dad. In a tiny apartment. If I had at least some friends (more, acquaintances) in my grandparents’ house, I had absolutely no one in the new place. I will repeat, I had too low self-esteem to just go and start making friends on a street, so all of my childhood I spent with my parents, who were constantly fighting.
Remember one night, when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and saw my parents making love in the kitchen. After that mother told me I let them no private space.
Remember when I was 13–14 y.o., I started showing some emotions too. Mother told me somewhat like ‘you *****, all you need is a ****”. Forgot to mention my parents are very religious, so talking about sex, or even thinking about it was prohibited. I should have found the only man, who would first marry me, and only after that, I could have sex with him. But this is not my story.
I remember one day when my mother was talking on a phone with somebody about having made an abortion. She told me that I am too jealous that is why she cannot have any more kids.
During the summer holidays, mother took me to my grandparents again. I was still needy and wanted a mother who would take care of me. I saw her on weekends, every summer. That’s how I grew up thinking that the ones who love you and who you love are always apart.

I remember she arrived on Sundays, and when she had to leave, me and my grandmother came to see her off. I told I wanted to go with my mom. They told me - it's up to you to make a decision. Again, I was terrified by having to make a decision and started crying, as I wanted to go with mom, but I did not have friends there and also I did not want to interfere in parents' private space.

Ever since I've become a conscious personality, I started talking that I hate my name, but I did not have guts to change that till 14 y.o. God, how much I wish I have had parents who would take the responsibility. However, if it was above basic necessities I had to decide on everything on my own since a very early age.

I wrote a lot and perhaps you’re too tired to read all this. But I need to speak out.
When my grandmother died of heart disease my mother wanted to commit suicide. She closed herself in a bathroom and me and my father did our best to take her out of there. After that, she went out of the apartment in the night and started walking, I and my father went to search for her. I was 21 y.o. by that time.
Now I live in a different city. I live in Moscow and I have a good and well-paid (well, not as much as I would have in the US ofc) job, which I love (planning).
I've got my master's degree.
I am the most successful woman in our family.

I am 33 and I am pretty. I wear size S. I get my hair dyed at a very respected stylist. I hear that I am good looking, I hear that I am sexy.
But every time I got into a relationship with a man I was dumped after 2-3 months.
I blame my mom for that. I remember how I came to my parents and hugged them when I was little. Now It is so difficult for me to show my emotions. I feel like I'm a log (not in sex, I love sex since my 30, but emotionally).

In 2011 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I found out about it the very last. On phone, right before she had to go to surgery.
That is terrible, I flew from another city to be with her on that day. I know she needs me, but I don't love her.

I read a lot of books where it is written that I must let go. I must understand that she just could not behave in a different way. But I cannot.
two weeks ago we were speaking on a phone about my cousin (who I hated since childhood). My mother offered her a job and spends a lot of time with her. My cousin is 40 y.o. now, she's a single mother. She lives with her parents (her mother is disabled and her father is addicted to alcohol), my aunt and uncle. Her son is 13 y.o. and he cannot write his own thoughts, he can only post emojis on Facebook. Until she was 40 y.o. she was working as a hairstylist, very unsuccessfully, she got about 200-250 USD monthly.

When I started asking questions, about what it's like to spend most of your work time with such a jerk as my cousin, and that my hairstylist, also a single mom, opened her own salon and get 10-15 times as much as my cousin ever did (who I find irresponsible) my mother told me 'it looks like you're more interested in her life than your own'. I told her after that that she is no more a mother to me. I cannot talk to her after these words, although she wrote me a message that she did not mean to hurt my feelings. That's all her, uneducated, silly, child-like woman in her 50s. She talks, without thinking.

If I ever get married and have kids, I know that I cannot leave her with my baby.
The part which scares my the most, though is that what do I do when she grows old and I need to take care of her. I don't want to do that. But also, I can't send her to care house, they're terrible here.

My father is 56 right now. He is obese and I understand that, unfortunately, he can pass away sooner or later. Again, I don't know what will my mother do, whether she'll try to commit suicide or what. I feel terrible, because I do not feel I have enough strength to take care of her, as I feel we changed roles long long time ago. I did not get mother's support, but I know I ought to give her mine. But I don't want.

I will be grateful if you've read this thoroughly and can share some thoughts. I will appreciate if you can suggest some movie showing similar situation. Any help will be appreciated.

Your mom is unstable and requires support, above and beyond what an adult child would be expected to give. Suicidal? It's likely she'll try again. She needs help. Putting her in a care home is likely the best option for her. If your town/city does not take care of their elderly well, consider finding her a place outside of your area so she will be well taken care of.

Two wrongs don't make a right. However, your own mental health counts, too. Having her live with you will not be a healthy choice for you. There's significant abandonment issues here.

This is a hugely important realization and one in which you'll need to break the cycle for. I'd strongly recommend you seek therapy to address this abandonment issues so you don't repeat this lifestyle with your own kids.

I understand your story. I believe my mother has NPD due to a life long list of behaviours that tore our family apart. I, too, have questioned who would look after her, later in life. She'll be 70, next year. I never had much of a relationship with her and have decided, in the past 5ish years to limit contact with her. I am her only child living in the same city. I do not wish to take care of her, nor would she want me to, either.

Ask your mom where she'd like to live. She may want to live in a care home, anyway.

This is first time i have heard story so similar to mine, of truly no bonding between mother and daughter. Like finding out about cancer surgery only at last minute. To me, that is a clear sign we are not a part of their lives. My mother pulled similar trick.

My mother also had better relationship with my cousin than with me.

I dont know why i was left out. They tried to pretend it was not true. That was even more confusing. They gave me ugly name too!

She did not take care of you when you were young. You are not together now. If i were you, i would not worry about that future. She will not want to be with you. You will have no obligation. I had none.

Thanks for your replies, guys. This means a lot to me.
Today it was mother's day and I couldn't but send my mom flowers. she says she loves me, so maybe it's just that i should find strength to forgive her for not knowing how to express her love to me in my childhood? Really, she was just a teen when she had me.

these are the feelings which always interchange in my mind...
I really think I can't forgive her unless I resolve my self-esteem issues with myself....