Emotional Abuse?...possible trigger

I don't even know where to start. I feel so nervous. But I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and need some affirmation.

I've been told by my parents, doctors, my T, that this never happened, but I can't erase the feelings and my own memories.

My parents, not as a very young child, but starting around age 8, I felt they never liked me. When they were angry [and they were often angry] they would call me names like "fat" and "stupid" and "lazy". They wouldn't speak to me. They would argue, which I was always very sensitive to. When I would cry, they would tell me to stop crying, stop being so emtional. Whenever I tried to explain my dreams in life, they would ignore me, which I always took as saying that I would never go anywhere in life. Whenever I told them something private and confidential, they would use it to hurt me later, or tell a whole bunch of people, laughing at me. I learned not to trust them with my feelings or my love.

I guess I wasn't a very easy child. I would cry and cry all the time, I was suicidal in grade 2 [which they never noticed and denied for years when I told them]. I would fight and yell and push them, but I wasn't angry, just feeling alone and worthlesss. I have communication problems, so when they said one thing, I took it to mean another. Maybe it was all in my head.

I stopped loving them, touching them, liking them. I kept trying to change myself to fit their ideals, but there was always something wrong with me. I could never be good enough.

I also was very alone at school. For most of my young life I was teased and bullied and had no friends. I just didn't get social society. I would have outbursts at school, and be unable to relate to any other child. I would walk around, just talking to myself and an imaginary friend. I spent a lot of time during those years fantasizing about being somewhere else.

But there were days when my parents were so nice, that it confused me. It made me feel even more like it was my fault when they would say I love you, or smile and hug me. The days when they would listen and not judge me. I lived for those days.

I slwoly became more and more distant, trying to protect myself in any way I could. By the time I was hospitalized for depression and psychosis [which then turned out to be bipolar], everyone was throwing around the term "attchment disorder". Looking back, I guess I fit the profile. I had a lot of family counselling after my hospitalization, but it was something my friend [my only friend] had said. She told me to hug them once a day. It hurt, to do it at first. I wanted to scream. But slowly it got easier and easier. We're still in family counselling, and our family dynamics have changed a lot.

I don't know, I just have this huge feeling that it was all me. The feelings of worhtlessness and shame and sadness and being so scared of what they would say next, were all my fault. I caused them. Everybody who knows my parents denies it happened, my parents deny it, my doctor and T deny it. They say I was just mixed up. But it was such a painful expierence, and still is, that I can't just dismiss it.

Thank-you. Please be kind.

(((((((((((xylia))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like emotional abuse to me. That's what my family has done to me - and it still doesn't get any easier to deal with - because from the outside in, my family looks and acts normal. Behind closed doors though... that's another story.

Why in the world would your T tell you that you're wrong? What proof does this T have that you're lying or have "wrong memories"? Honestly. If that's their attitude towards you - find another T. They should be supportive of you.

It was not your fault. From what you've written here, you parents sent a fair few mixed messages your way. Even if you were 'just mixed up', that doesn't make it your fault.

Why does your T deny it?

Thank-you so much.

Chirstina: My T has helped me through a number of mental illnesses, and I value her for her support in that area, but I just can't seem to send the right message about this.

reddevil: I don't know. It's just, that to everyone, my parents are such great, supportive people. The once or twice I've tried to talk about it, I've been told that what happened was perfectly normal for a young child. Maybe I haven't gone into so much detail as I did here [mostly since I feel I can't start without being shut down], but I want them to listen to me.

Hi Xylia, that was YOUR experience and no one can tell you that YOU didn't have it. Maybe your parents didn't see it or understand it but from your perspective it happened. You got to where you are because of YOUR experience. Your experience happened because of your environment. I think for every child to develop into a functioning adult they need a parent to help them develop properly. That means that they need an attentive parent who is paying attention and trying to understand their child's experiences and difficulties. I am sorry that this happened to you.....

Thank-you.

I had another appointment today with my T and I tried to impart to her how serious and painful this felt for me, and I finally felt, that in some way, I got the point across. In the end, we disagreed, because I look at it as abuse, but she looks at it as me taking things that were said the wrong way. I'm fine with that, because I least I feel the MY feelings got validated a little bit.

I feel like it's my fault. If I wasn't so stupid and always took things the wrong way and was just more perfect, then maybe I would have been more loved.

I'm still pretty down and hurt right now, remebering this stuff.

(((((((((xylia))))))))))))

Honestly if you feel this strongly about this... find another T. Something this important shouldn't be an argument between you and your T. I just don't see how they couldn't deem it to be abusive and detrimental to your wellbeing overall.

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xylia said:
I feel like it's my fault. If I wasn't so stupid and always took things the wrong way and was just more perfect, then maybe I would have been more loved.

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Hi Xylia, you were just a child and all children need help developing and growing up. When you are born you know nothing. You learn everything from your environment. If your environment is working against you instead of with you then there will be problems. Parents are for protecting and helping.

It sounds like it is exhausting trying to convince your therapist of your viewpoint. Whose therapist is she? Ask her who her client is?

Xylia,

Some of the abuse I experienced my mother denied outright and some of my memories are fuzzy and fragmented.

I say all the above to say to you that YOU MUST VALIDATE YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS. If you wait for your family to validate you, you may wait forever and spend your life somewhere in the past or future, but never in the present.

I had to (painfully) let go the strong drive to force them to acknowledge how badly they hurt me and distorted my life. My mom died in 1992 - long before I was ready for her to die and she never admitted the many abusive things she did to me and the many healthy things she never did for me.

Now that mom is gone, IT IS MY JOB to pursue wellness and move through healing into a happier future. It can be done, you are getting into earlier than I was able to start therapy. Don't give up, you will get there!!! Hugs,

Leslie