How do you get some power back and stop living out the victim role?

I'm sorry Rapunzel that this has distressed you for your whole life. Do you think that you might have just accepted everyone else's standards as the rule? Where are your standards? If you try to meet these you will have much more success!

Good question. I wish that I knew what my standards were. I'm continually looking for approval from others, and having a meltdown when approval is withheld. I think that my standard is to be useful to others, and not to be rejected. That is, in a lot of areas. There are some things that might be exceptions, since I do risk rejection in order to stand up for certain things, like my religious values and beliefs.

Rapunzel, you probably don't know your standards because you have never tried to develop any. You have probably been so outwardly focused on others. You can decide today to stop looking outwardly and start looking inwardly. To do this you have to catch yourself when you are doing it, being very aware of what you are doing all the time. When you catch yourself you can chose to behave differently.

When you say that you want to be useful to others this says to me that you are just trying to meet other's needs at the expense of your own. Like the rest of us, this most likely started when you were a child. You can stop this. For me I recognized that I did this but I couldn't stop until I realized that I did this because my child's mind believed that my mother would withhold her love if I met my needs. I was a woman in my early 30's who still feared that my mom would withhold love. When I realized this thought was in my head and that it was formed by a young child, I was able to throw it out and meet my needs for the first time in my life.

When you stand up for your religious values you are probably able to do it because these aren't really just your needs. You are standing up for something outside of yourself.

Great thread! I came across this thread by serendipity. Much care and respect to all

I wish I knew the answer to this. With experiencing flashbacks from the abusive frequently in my life it is so difficult to remove myself from that time and start to have some control over my life.