How do you get some power back and stop living out the victim role?

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Muffy posted this link in another thread. Even though I knew this stuff before, reading through it made me cry because it describes me and the patterns in my life so accurately.

Part of my problem is that I have learned to recognize problems, but I still tend not to know how to do anything about the problems, which just keeps me stuck, although now I am hurt and angry about being stuck because I woke up enough to see it. And that seems to be part of the pattern too.

One effect of a history of emotional abuse is the disempowerment, and susceptibility to further disempowerment, and difficulty taking action or following through or completing things. I'm really having a hard time with this. I'm in trouble at work for not getting things done on time, and when I do get something done I send it in and get blasted because it isn't perfect, so I spend more time on the next one going over and over it trying to make it good enough, and get blasted for taking too much time and still not getting it right. I also keep getting complaints that I identify problems but don't include solutions. Often I do suggest a potential solution, but have no funding for it or it takes someone else to implement it and I get ignored so I give up and feel disempowered and worthless once again.

I want to be worth something and to be able to believe in myself and to feel like I can contribute something and make a difference. But it seems like I never get it right. I don't respond well to being controlled and over-managed. I need to have some autonomy. After a while I start seeing all the flaws in the system and can't stand being on the bottom rung and watching things being done in a way that I know isn't right. But I feel invisible and when I try to speak up I just get run over. So I get louder and they get tired of me or don't want to hear what I'm trying to say and want me gone, or I develop such a bad attitude that I can't stand myself.

The same pattern keeps repeating over and over again, and jobs and relationships and all kinds of things end badly because of it, and I'm left hurt and angry and feeling worthless and discouraged and think that there is no point in trying anymore. Yeah, I know that I am part of the pattern. The way that I approach this problems is not working. But it seems like nothing will and it is hopeless. I want to change it. Really, I do. But I keep failing and each failure makes it so much harder to try again. And when I get in trouble for all the same stuff, again, it only makes it worse. And it's probably all my own stupid fault.

It's hard to see any options other than giving up. I deseperately need someone to believe in me and encourage me and help me to believe in myself, and not to give up on me. And even that is really hard because I'm extremely sensitive to criticism and everything negative, but I discount anything positive before it even registers. If someone does appreciate me or think that I am worthwhile, I often can't even see it.

Help!!!!

Wow... was like reading my own bio. I sure don't have the slightest idea on how to help. I know i have been told to "Seek the middle path" because I always have "this or that" idea and both "fail" in my mind or when I attempt to implement them. Then there is the "change your thinking, change your life" aka "The Secret" model... which clearly I've not succeeded in during the past 18 years in which I have been learning it. It seems no matter what answer I am given on this, I either don't believe it will work, or can't achieve it. Then I lose hope in me, as well as in others even having hope in me and get even more frustrated with myself... perhaps a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure? *shakes head*. I just don't get it.
Currently I feel like a lost puppy, sitting out in the cold, on the step, waiting for someone to open the door and make everything ok. But I am 31 and supposed to do that for myself....
((((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))

Risks. Taking small risks at first. Trying out things, and seeing if they succeed. Trying to learn from the results. And, it is not always your failure. Other people may be contributing a whole lot to that too!

(*$#&^&%%&* people!

way to go Pachyderm

jin xx

Hi Rapunzel, it is hard to build your self worth in a job or in a relationship. There are too many people involved to mess with you. You have to build up your self worth and personal boundaries on your own time. When you feel strong with this foundation then you will feel more empowered.

I read these things, and they make perfect sense, but I find it near impossible to implement the needed changes in my day-to-day life

Why?......

Yeah, it is quite hard. Start with small steps. Gradually do more. It builds self-esteem and learning.

I wish... I could be more encouraging.... I basically walked away from my very last job... that was empowering... worked hard... all of my life.. on-call... long hours.. strive for that extra ..........to please impossible >>>>>>> note I say ......impossible people..

What did I learn??? is it of any value... don't know...
now on disability I view things differently..

my last job.. I worked for the most demanding woman.. I have ever in my lifetime met.... and that is saying alot... had the job 6 weeks.. had a raging ED... my Mom had just died... I called in sick... she yelled at me..

and I said "I QUIT".... YES..... "I QUIT"... "I QUIT" "I QUIT" "I QUIT"....over the phone....

and if you want the work materials.. you sent me home with - come get them yourself... they will be on my porch... cause.. I won't lift another finger .. to help you... me.. an Analyst.... wow..scared me....

So.. that wasn't a "little" step for me.. it was a giant leap... realizing... that... the pattern... wanting to please.. wanting to please.. working harder than anyone else... so they could demand more of me.. demand.. demand.. find fault.. find fault..

and.. I found the words... "I QUIT"..

it carried over into my personal life... I am able to say.. those words.. in a different way... "I won't do as much"... " no, I do not want to"..

can't always.. it is a 20 percent chance that I can... but it is more that.. I used to be able to do....

and.. these days... I find.. nothing is "worth"... changing the system for... like you are talking about... finding a problem... suggesting a solution - that has no funding for it..

and.. I learned.. that it is "impossible" to please people... they want to find fault... they will do this.. so you will work harder to please... and then they demand more....that is what all my bosses did to me...

so.. the secret words for me are "I QUIT"... whether I say them out loud or not... they are for me... it takes.. the "power" away.. from.. other people.. that they have on me..

(((Rap)))))))))
No one has power over you but you.......
I suffered emotional abuse,being beat up....As I was growing up I was at the bottom of the pile as I call it...I came last...Always...
I decided somewheres along the line that It was enough......
With that came peace ....I still have some anixety...yelling bothers me....
I still in my life put others first....but thats ok.....
((i am sorry I am having a hard time with this post I had some dentail work done again today and the pain and meds are getting to me)))
So i hope this comes out ok.....
I want you to know you truly are worth something wonderful...you are a good person. You do matter.....
At some point I had to come to peace with as much as I could....
You already make a difference....your here on earth...your a mom....
your a wife... your a person who has feelings....
Your here on PC...
Every where you go you touch something....that makes a difference...
A good one.....Have faith in you , have hope, have some peace...
Forgive if you can.....That in itself released so much for me....
I wish you well ...please know i care
muffy

I haven't looked at the link but it's occurred to me that those who accuse people of living in a victem mode are victemizers/victem blamers, who refuse to accept responsibility for just societies, and alow unjust societies to designate victems instead of providing them with the realistic means to secure real justice(not what corrupt politicians and judges call justice).

just my two cents.

Blame the victim? Easier than being conscious of the feelings that seeing victims brings up...

The only way out is taking personal responsibility though (adults)......

((downforthecount)))))))
no where in that site does it blame the victum
me of all ppl would never do that...
as I was one once...

I hope you did not take my post that way...
I just told how "I " and thats only me
how i moved past it all
peace and always hope to you
muffy

Sweetheart, if you -or anyone- comes to the point of totally giving up on life, then getting out of the situation you are in is a much better option!

I'm not giving up on you!

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

I'm continually on the edge of that point. I'm looking for other jobs, but it's hard to make the transition that I need to right now. I could get other similar jobs, but they really know that my heart isn't in it and I wouldn't be happy. I'm not quite qualified for therapist jobs yet, and not really getting enough of the right experience to become qualified, so I'm stuck and it seems pretty hopeless. I asked DH what if I quit my job and then look for another one. The financial picture is bleak if I don't find something.

I really want to pull out some measure of success in the job I have, but it's such a tangled up mess that nothing I do there will ever be right or good enough. Anything I try just makes the situation worse.

Rapunzel does this scenario (of not being good enough) remind you of any scenarios when you were growing up?

Yeah. It is a recurrent theme throughout my life. My dad wanted a boy, not a girl (I was the oldest, and it took them 4 tries before they got a boy). I didn't understand the importance of sitting at a desk and paying attention in school, so teachers were pretty frustrated with me. I wanted my grandfather to teach me violin, and he said I was too young. I didn't have the coordination to be decent at any sports, but was expected to participate anyway in school, and the other kids found me worthless and yelled at me. Anything I tried was never good enough or worth anything, and I was criticized a lot. I'm only just realizing how pervasive the theme of not being good enough is in my life. I have kept my own therapy notes, and I've been going through them, and that theme keeps coming up over and over.

When I feel threatened with rejection, I go helpless and think that I can't do anything about it. I can see problems, but I don't tend to see solutions. I feel invisible and silenced, and don't think that anybody cares.

But I want to break out of this pattern and stop being a helpless victim. I'm just not sure that I ever can.

(((((((((Rap))))))))
The want is there. That's what they always tell us is the most important. and you've helped my system a lot. i believe in you. you want things to be different, and you're good at helping others.... you'll get there. don't give up!!

muffy and everyone else in this thread,

I appologise for a kneejerk reaction to just the mention of the title about 'stop being a victim'. It sort of jolted me I guess because I've heard it used abusively, I hadn't even read the thread and have only skimmed at this point, and didn't mean to imply that any of you might have used it that way. As I said, just reacted to that reflexively and applogise for doing so. I've just found my way back to this thread and wanted to check on that very thing. Perhaps another time I'll actually be able to spend the time to come back and read it.

Be well all, peace with justice~Df8c