I am so frusterated and tired of trying!

I am so done trying to help my depression. I just get my hopes up enough for them to be crushed into hopeless despair.

I saw my pdoc (who is also a therapist and has been treating our sessions like therapy sessions) who told me today that she doesn't want me to take any meds for my condition. She said I shouldn't try anything else because my body just keeps rejecting everything. She says to leave it to therapy. I've tried nearly all the (SSRI/SNRI) antidepressants within the last 9 months. I have way too many side effects on all of them. I end up feeling worse on them than off so they always pull me off, that or I get a rash/itching that doesn't clear up until I go off the medicine.

Right now I feel soooo discouraged. I have tried TMS, which helped but only a little bit and now I have a $10000 bill racked up fighting with the insurance company who said they would pay originally. Which I wouldn't mind if I was better now but I'm not and can't take it.

I'm ranting right now and I am sorry if this triggers anybody!! I am just so DONE and can't do it anymore. I try to be mindful, I have been in therapy this whole time and am not getting anywhere.

I am trying to get TMS boosters to see if that will help at all but I can't do that until insurance pays up for the original charge and pre-auths the next round.

I am just lost. I don't know what to do anymore. The doctors say ECT isn't a good option for me either because I'm not suicidal and because I am highly sensitive to meds/procedures and typically have many side effects.

I've even tried all the natural remedies and have bad reactions to those, even in low doses!!!

I've tried acupuncture, meditation, yoga, I eat healthy, I only drink water, no drugs whatsoever (no alcohol either), I have a loving spouse, I have a great job that has me out on disability leave to get better, I am trying everything yet I stay in a depressed/anxious state and feel like I can't take it anymore.

What else can I do? I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I refuse to go inpatient because I feel that will only put me in a worse situation where I have my rights stripped away, which will make me even more depressed.

Hello ChangingMyMind: I'm so sorry to hear treatment has gone so poorly for you. It does sound as though you've tried just about everything there is & nothing is helping. I have some sense of this as well. Nothing much works for me either. I am on the generic variety of Cymbalta (120mg / day). It doesn't do allot. But it does seem to keep me from diving so low into depression, I start thinking about ending it all. It also seems to have helped with some ongoing anger issues I've had over the years. So I stay on it. At least it's something.

You certainly are to be lauded for trying so many different things & for continuing to stick with it when so many treatments have failed you. Have you ever tried DBT or CBT? (I never have. So I can't really speak to their efficacy. They're just a couple of things you didn't mention in your post.) I know you said you're so done with trying to help your depression. I feel pretty-much the same way. However, I'm in my mid-60's so for me it feels like less of a big deal than I would imagine it feels like to you. I do hope you can somehow find the strength to persevere. I send you warm hugs to buoy you.

Have you tried any of the older tricyclic antidepressants? They have a completely different set of side effects so you may not be as sensitive to those. They don't get prescribed much these days but they are no less effective than the newer drugs which means they work about half of the time, not great but worth considering.

Hi there. I can really understand how you feel. I am fed up also. I am on not on the right meds and not enough of the ones I'm on. My doctor thinks he is God and my Bipolar and Substance Abuse is getting worse. Hang In there. I will too.

Did you speak about the xanax or klonopin and how well the xanax worked for you? She probably doesn't like that idea.

I feel you. many years and lots of frustration. Keep trying. Meditation, Yoga, Therapy, can take a long time to be beneficial and depends on core causes.

Have you tried:

0. Checking for an underlying medical problem
1. Aerobic exercise
2. Meditation (see recent success stories post)
3. Light therapy
4. Brain training

? I noticed that you tried "SNAP CLUB" and it seemed like you were getting some benefit. Did that not work out?

- v

Hello The Skeezyks,

Thank you for your response. I am in therapy and it's mainly CBT focused but I do not know what that really means exactly. All my therapists do is ask me how I have been doing since the last visit, then we chat about it and it doesn't seem to do me any good. I wish they would give me the "tools" everybody talks about.

I am not going to stop going but I am still looking for the right therapist.

And you're right, this is very hard for me to deal with since I am only 32 and I feel like my life is over but it really has only just begun, so it makes me mad. I feel robbed of my youth and life for that matter.

I have not, the pdoc has thought about it but whenever we talk about the side effects we always decide against me trying it because the side effects are worse than the newer ADs and the likelihood of me getting them is pretty much 99%. I'm the type of person who gets side effects from EVERY single drug out there. Not one drug has been side effect free for me, unfortunately. Even ibuprofen, Tylenol, supplements, herbs.. you name it. As such my anxiety jumps up quite a bit when I have to try a new med, especially antidepressants.

She even mentioned antipyschotics but I can't do that either since their side effects are even worse than the antidepressants.

Thank you! I will try to hang in there. I always do! I just got to a point last night where I just had to vent. Thanks again!

Yes, Zinco... I did speak to doc about Xanax and how it helps and asked about Klonopin. She said she had no idea why Xanax would help but that I could continue with it but said she didn't want me to switch to Klonopin because of how sensitive I am to meds. Although now the Xanax (after only taking .125mg 1x for 2 days stright) has given me shakes and the worst headache I've ever had in my life! Now, I'm afraid to take that since I feel like it will add more and more side effects the more I take it. Like Celexa did.

0. I have been to over 5 specialists to look for a medical problem.. everything comes back normal. Actually they tell me my blood work and everything is among the best they've seen.

1. I can not do aerobic exercise due to my fatigue, pain, and body weakness. I get very tired and lightheaded even after a trip to the grocery store.

2. Yes, I meditate almost every day. I am trying to increase it to every day but I miss sometimes due to being too tired. Although most of the time I do it.

3. I have not purchased a special light or anything but I do try to keep my windows open so the sun can shine in and I walk my dog 2-3 times a day so I am in the sun every day. (It's still sunny where I am, I live in North Carolina so we get a fair amount of sunny days).

4. Have not tried Brain Training... I read about it but it seems to be extremely expensive with no evidence of it's benefits.

SNAP CLUB helped a little bit... in just reminding me that I have control over some things in my life, but it doesn't take away the pain/fatigue.

Hi:
Wow. I am treatment refractory also. I tried it all for over 30 years now and nothing helps. It is really bad and I thought I was the only one in the world with this. I wish we had a real board for treatement resistant depression for those of us who have to live without the benefit of help. It is a real b****. I am looking for online support to help me get through this major depression and the h**** that it is. Otherwise ... I just don't know anymore.

Is anyone out there who has been going through it for ages and ages and suffers. I am totally scared. I used to have episdoes and breaks. Then 2 and one half years ago, just one long horrible depression, homebound, almost bedbound (hard to even shower) ashamed and feel hopeless.

Even docs hav given up on me.

Now to the new people: There are SSRI's, there are the older classes of drugs call tricylcis and there are even MAOI's ... don't know much about that one but it works differently than the others. As to ECT, it is not as bad as people think. You really need to get evaluated for that. Of course, try everything else first. I did.

Take care. If anyone can relate to my post ... I hope you post.

JJ

@ ChangingMyMind

CBT is similar to brain training. You can teach yourself. It concerns itself not at all with the past but with the present and present thinking/ feeling/ action.

In-Depth: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy | Psych Central

CBT Therapy Worksheets & Self-Help | Psychology Tools

Brain training is based on neuroplasticisty. There is a famous experiment on primates that established it and gave them a good understanding on it. It has been applied to stroke victims with much success.
The following is a link to a doctor I trust very much. UCLA and has worked with lots of stroke victims but is very into meditation and other interests. Has written a lot of books.
Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. - Home

I read this one.
Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. - The Mind And The Brain

he is not really focused on depression though.

I wouldn't know what to recommend as far as a brain training book. There are a lot out there and I am skeptical of gimmicky stuff.

Neuroplasticity, nuerotropic growth factors, new dentrites that grow, new connections that are formed is proven fact.

I like CBT and meditation for that. Proven effective. How much you can change biology is debatable. If a stroke damages to much brain tissue those functions will never be recovered. I will never meditate my eyes from blue to brown.

Once you are an adult it is harder to change what was "hard wired", not impossible though. Therapy, meditation, CBT, can take along time. A lot depends on core causes.

I happen to like Jeffery Schwartz very much because he is into Buddhism, Quantum Physics, he is a psychiatrist, neurologist, and has teamed up with Henry Stapp to argue the link between spiritual consciousness/ mind and brain. Henry Stapp is a very renowed quantum physicists at Berkeley. Controversial.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no...a%2Cstripbooks

You don't need to get that deep to get into brain training........lol. I am into that stuff.

Hello jjishere: Yes, I can sort-of relate to your post. I'm in my mid-60's & can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. I recall my mother once mentioning that, when I was born, my head was turned in the wrong direction. So the doctor had to turn it back into the correct position. So, it has occurred to me on numerous occasions that I came out wrong to begin with; & things haven't improved with time. But then I also have other issues besides depression including anxiety, Gender Identity Disorder, some OCD-like behaviors, self harm & suicidality, to name a few...

My experience has been a bit different though in that, no matter how bad things have gotten for me, I've nearly always been able to get up, clean up & do what needed to be done that day, for the most part. I didn't necessarily do them well. But I did them.

One of the things I find most perturbing about my situation is, it all started at such a young age for me, I'll never know what caused it. It's a snarl of tangled wire that will never be straightened out. And I also know I'll never be "cured". I've tried the med's, the therapy, etc. I'll carry this burden to my grave, so to speak. There is some comfort in that. I've reached a point where I can sit back & just be mentally ill & not feel like I have to keep fighting. There's some comfort in that. Best wishes!

@ ChangingMyMind

DBT group therapy has also been shown to be effective for many people. I have never done it. When it first came out they wanted to change my diagnosis to Borderline Personality Disorder just to get me into the group. That was the only way in. I didn't want to do that.

An Overview of Dialectical Behavior Therapy | Psych Central

I can very much relate. Depression since 13. Treatment of all kinds from 32 until now (50). Has always been very cyclical but in recent years episodes last much much longer and deeper with anxiety that was never there before. I have recently had a lot of luck on Fetzima, a new one. Its gonna poop though. I have done TMS. Never ECT. I could try the new AAP's but don't want to. Maybe ketamine will work!!!! Its in clinical use now. Or LSD!!! They are studying it again.

I had similar experiences with therapists.

I'm confused by your answers here, though. If you walk your dog 2-3 times a day (say for 30 minutes total or more), that counts as aerobic exercise in my book. I think that brisk walking is quite well known to be beneficial. However, this seems to contradict your answer to 1. If you really get tired and (especially) lightheaded doing a short walk that sounds pretty alarming to me and very much like an underlying medical problem rather than a symptom of depression.

I had similar experiences with therapists.

I'm confused by your answers here, though. If you walk your dog 2-3 times a day (say for 30 minutes total or more), that counts as aerobic exercise in my book. I think that brisk walking is quite well known to be beneficial. However, this seems to contradict your answer to 1. If you really get tired and (especially) lightheaded doing a short walk that sounds pretty alarming to me and very much like an underlying medical problem rather than a symptom of depression.

Your daily meditation sounds great. Do you find that it helps?

It depends on how briskly you walk and what your heart rate is. Aerobic is when your muscle cells burn oxygen along with sugars and carbs. Anaerobic is when the muscle cells do not burn oxygen and only sugar and carbs. Both are certainly good but aerobic is better.

When I walk the dog I walk very slowly and he sniffs around a lot in one place so typically I'm just standing there. He never stays out longer than 15min or so. So I'm not getting a ton of light or exercise but I am getting small amounts. I am tired after walking him as well and have to lay down afterwards.

I so understand. Have you tried the older tricyclics or MAOI antidepressants?
I am in same situation re nothing works. pm me if you like.

No I haven't taken either one of those because of the horrible side effect profiles and with MAIO there are too many interactions. Since I always have side effects it doesn't make sense to try something with worse side effects.

I feel for all of you, trying several things with no help. i do hope you can find something that will help!! It took me years but there are more meds out there but if you cant handle them i will pray you can try something that will help!!

Speaking as an ignorant layman, still, it really sounds to me like you have an underlying medical problem that's causing the depression (what do others think?). The fact that you have been to a bunch of specialists suggests that your MD thinks this also. If it was me, I'd be looking hard for a medical explanation. Maybe this will be of some inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOPRp_K6QQY

- v