Noticing chronic issues - ?

Maybe it's my imagination, but I really don't think so.

I've been thinking long and hard for a while now - if you could redo your life, what could you have done differently? And suddenly, it hits me that I've been missing something I can't quite put my finger on, it's been there for years, and I don't think meds even touch it.

It's like ... a lack of positive imagination? As if really positive, imaginative solutions to problems that ought to occur to me, just don't happen. My mind just doesn't work that way. Like I see the world as not containing possibilities, and I see myself as some clueless idiot who should just shut up or something. Serious lack of confidence and self-worth maybe? Those along with social anxiety were problems I was developing just before my first ever depressive episode, I'm sure of it now. I remember journaling about this stuff, years ago.

Whatever bipolar people experiencing hypomania have too much of, I wonder if I lack it completely sometimes. All I know is, I've never tried any med that changes this. I know this because my behaviors don't change - I'm still overly cautious, take no risks, hesitant, forever apologetic, too quiet. Other people have been calling me out on this for years, and now I'm seeing why! However, by examining my behaviors and thoughts carefully, that more expansive, daring and optimistic thinking ought to be there. There was a time I wasn't this bad, I'm certain of it. The scary thing is, I think it's slowly getting worse no matter what I do. I am all out of ideas. I think I'm just so stuck in a negative feedback loop I'm wondering if I should just give up hope. Then I think no, that's your fears talking.

Does anyone else ever notice this kind of thing? I am so emotionally dead over this.

I hate asking for help, too. Makes me feel guilty and arrogant, and sometimes I fear people trying to change me, shame me, or confirming my negative thoughts. That makes no rational sense when I deconstruct it, but negative thoughts are outstanding actors, aren't they?

I am a ping-pong ball bouncing between fears, despair, and denial right now.

In my case, the longer I am stuck in a treatment-resistant depression, the worse my self-esteem, social anxiety become. i have dealt with this for many, many years (over 30 yrs). It feels like slow and eventual erosion of the core of my Being.

Depression is oppressive, causing contraction, and hypomania is very expansive. We cannot imagine possibilities while in a contracted, bleak state.

Yes, I seem to be missing it, too, whatever it is. Lol.
Is it zest for life, perhaps?


WC

The more I think about this, the more I'm coming up with telltale signs of problems that go back a very long time. It's weird that it takes me so long to have an "aha!" moment where I see myself scurrying around like I'm a human mouse, in a broad variety of situations. I can imagine what I'd have to do to improve things. Why can I not just "do it" when I finally see where the problem behaviors/attitudes are?

Seeing yourself more fully, and how you can act for better health sounds like growth to me. Following through, well, yes, it's a whole other frontier. At least that's how it feels to me. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.