Aggressive men

I guess I'll post this even if I'm afraid of someone will say, like he's a stalker.

A guy who's been next to me on the computers at the library (the past few months) talked to me about 3 weeks ago. He seemed nice enough, and since I need new friends, I wanted to give him a chance. I only gave him my secondary e-mail account, as well as my first name only.

Already he's pushing all the wrong buttons with me! He knows I have a boyfriend, but he seems to want to want go out for coffee. He also does stuff like sending an e-mail asking me to send an e-mail, instead of just WAITING for me to reply to the most recent message. (There's only been 2 or 3). One message said, "Thanks for replying. LOL" Another was one giving me his cell number, saying, "Call me." It's disconcerting to get attention like this. I wonder if he sat at that station on purpose all this time.

Has this ever happened to anyone or someone know? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's not making it easy. Coming on way too strong, especially for someone he only just met. All of this has made me appreciate my boyfriend even more, for his subtlety and acceptance of me. I mean, this guy at the library told me stuff like, "You shouldn't drink coffee everyday." Who is HE???? Thing is, I like going to that library since it's close to home. It's convenient to check out my books and use the Internet there. Staff is nice. I don't want to have to stop cause of him.

Yeah, he wanted to know where I live too, but I didn't tell him. My bf does know of him, in case he turns out to be a stalker or something. He's not the jealous type thankfully, because I'd like to have new friends. Gender doesn't matter, to me nor him. I see no reason why I shouldn't have male friends, as long as they are normal. LOL They DO exist, and he could be harmless. But maybe not...

You could try saying 'yeah my boyfriend and I would LOVE to have a coffee with you' or take your boyfriend with you next time you go to the libary ?

Yes he is pushing your buttons and it the the RED BUTTON that says-
WARNING! WARNING!

I agree that you can have male friends if they are normal.... but this guy has already shown that he is not normal, matter of fact I would say he is a little scary and a good example of the horror stories we often hear about with online meetings.

Please stay safe and seek another for the friendship you want.

Only 2 replies…..but 44 views. I’ll never understand these forums.

But no matter, as I made up my mind.

The latest e-mail from him was the last straw, when he asked for my phone number so we could “finalize our” plans. There is nothing to finalize!!!! He is either "dense" or else he’s so cocky he thinks if he’s aggressive enough, I’ll find him attractive. And, just a few minutes ago, he has the nerve to touch me on the shoulder telling me HE reserved the computer I’m on. I said, “I don’t think so.” Taps me again and said, “Just kidding.” I made up my mind. Red flags pop up everywhere, and I should listen to them. I don’t like people I don’t know touching me!!!! He really crossed the line now.

I am glad to hear that you decided to call this encounter off before it became some thing you would regret..... Good for YOU!

I hate people who can't take a hint, even when you hit them directly over the head with the blunt words! You have to be firm with people like that, telling them they make you uncomfortable and you no longer want contact with them. You can threaten to file a restraining order against them, if you have to.

Thanks, Rhapsody...I already regret giving out my SECONDARY e-mail account, as I was afraid to even open my mail the past few days. Fortunately, there's no new messages from him. And I'm SO GLAD I never told him my last name. He didn't need it.

Yeah, Maven..either he's stupid or a weirdo...I hope I don't have to take it so far as to get a restraining order.

Let us know how it goes.

THANK YOU to those who RESPONDED and for caring. Thank you, Maven. Without any women I can talk to, there's only these women focused "support" forums.

I am skipping the library this week, not cause of him but because I have a doctor's appointment. I am mulling over whether to tell him point blank in his e-mail or not respond at all. I still have to see him, so if I don't respond, it could piss him off.

This is my first time in this forum....just read your post.

He actually just sounds like a guy who isn't good at approaching women he is interested in...& is trying to hard at it. I only get that from the words you have posted here. When you are there physically next to him at the library, you are the one that can read hi body language.

Like you, agressive pushy guys turn me off. Growing up all I had were guy friends except for one girlfriend, I got to understand guys actions much better & was pretty good at reading where they were coming from. I enjoyed having them as friends & not boyfriends & just enjoyed doing guy things better than things that girls liked to do. I had one friend in college that enjoyed going out to nice restaurants & he knew I wasn't interested in him in a way other than just a friend, but he liked to plan far ahead & want commitments to dates so far ahead that I just couldn't plan my life that far ahead. We didn't have computers let alone internet in those days. In many ways, you had to be able to judge quicker about whether to give out any information to a person or not. Most of the time in college, the dating came from in classes, so you got to know a person & talk with them a lot before deciding whether they were ok to date or know....but other times, it was rather spur of the moment. I was lucky because most of the guys ended up being nice friends & I was good at keeping my boundaries well known......think when we meet someone to start with, & set up boundaries immediately, they can always be taken down, but it's harder to put up boundaries when they aren't there to start with.

This guy is probably safe & nothing more than being a little unsure on how to apporach a girl with a boyfriend that he might be wanting to get to know a little better. There is nothing unsafe about giving out an email address.....if there is a problem, you can always have it blocked.....nothing wrong with going out for coffee as long as you have your boundaries in place & aren't shy about letting them be known.

I separated from my husband after 33 years....living alone & hiring people to do work on my farm. I had a guy I hired to do my fencing. I got a call during the spring & he left this strange voice mail that could be taken as sexually harassing without it being anything really bad. When I was trying to get the fencing started, he called later one night & talking to me, pulled the same kind of crap. Timing was great with the coyotes howling & my dogs were outside, so I excused myself quickly to rescue my dogs. Thinking about the phone call, it made me angry.......I decided to let him have it about the phone call & told him that I would gladly write a complaint to the Better Business Bureau letting them know that he wasn't able to professionally do business with a woman with sexualy herrassing her & that is was completely unprofessional & I don't do business with people who can't handle themselves professionally.....that I expected to be treated with respect & if he couldn't then I wanted my money back & I would take my business elsewhere. I got an appology & he hasn't pulled anything like that ever again. It's important that we stand up for ourselves as women especially when we don't get the respect we deserve. I don't by the BS that southern guys are just like that as I don't care who or where anyone is from, I wil not accept being treated that way & will not tolerate it.

There are nice ways of setting our boundaries, like his touching you on the shoulder....you can say, please don't do that as I find it bothers me & would appreciate your respect to not do it in the future. The fact that you don't give out your phone # or personal information until you know the person better is another good point to let him know. If he is still interested after the boundaries, then you know he isn't a danger.

He really sounds like he just wants a chance to get to know you better & doesn't know how to make that happpen & is trying different possibilities attempting to.

Keep up your boundaries & let them be known & obvious.....there shouldn't be a problem seeing him at the library & as long as he is respecting the boundaries you make known to him, you can talk & get to know him better. That way you will be able to know if he is safe or not before ever providing any more information.

Going for coffee shouldn't be a problem as long as you are meeting him there & not going there with him.....all part of the safe boundaries.

Meeting guys where I have moved to, they all seem to assume that because I am not with my husband that I am interested in having a relationship with men.....NOT AT ALL THE CASE!!!! That is my first huge boundary that goes up......haven't had anyone that hasn't respected that boundary.....if they did, I would turn my 6 dogs loose on them with a command to attack......think I am definitely safe as 3 of my dogs go in my truck everywhere I go.....what a great backup for the boundaries I set.

I think our own fear can make us feel things that might not be there, but I never discard my gut feelings.

Just keep your eyes open & your mind alert & you will be fine,
Debbie

Thanks for taking the time to post such a detailed response, Eskie.

You make some good points, and I did consider that he might just be awkward when I gave him my e-mail in the first place. But he doesn't understand boundaries. Or refuses to abide by them. "Don't touch me" means "Don't touch me", not "Do that again even though I said I don't like it."

Yeah, I could have been nicer, but that doesn't mean he'd get it. According to some people, being "nice" is what brought this all on!!! He can't read body language either. I didn't look up when he came over, so that means I'm not receptive. I'm also listening to my "little voice". It has NEVER been wrong...ever! It's telling me to stay away from him. I sent an e-mail cause I need closure and be clear and sure. It may give him another opening I don't want to give, but he seems the type of guy that will give himself an opening no matter what I do.

I never had a guy friend except for one who was gay.

I guess this is a stereotype, but I heard Southern guys are MORE respectful.

I'm glad things worked out with that guy you said you'd report to the BBB.

For you Eskie and Maven:

I sent an e-mail telling him off, cause I need closure. Here's his reply:

Seems my instincts were right...he still doesn't get it. Hitting him over the head with a piano probably wouldn't work either, even though I SAID I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!! "Turn" me???!! "Girl/woman"?

Bumping thread...

Nonightowl,
Are you still having problems with this guy a year later?? Or is there a new guy causing similar problems? Can you give us an update, please?

I hope you are doing well and staying safe!

<hugs>
Ro

Thanks for replying, Roman! No, I am not still having the same problem with the same guy, nor anyone new thank goodness.

BUT, as a general rule of thumb, I always attract the weirdoes like "moths to a flame". So I wanted to see what other women have to say about their experiences with any weird or aggressive men. That way, when it comes up again, I may have some things to try that I haven't yet.

I actually haven't had too much trouble attracting those really awful aggressive annoying guys. At least, not recently, lol. The only one I can sort of think of is this guy I actually started out being friends with. He tried to push things to far, so eventually I just started avoiding him as much as possible. Well, he was SO self assured, that I heard through the grapevine of mutual friends, that he was playing HARD TO GET! Like, seriously, WHAT?! Oh well, it worked to my advantage. As long as he was playing hard to get, he avoided me and I didn't have to try so hard to avoid him, lol.

Any of the other obnoxious guys in the past I mostly just avoid as much as possible, and mention my boyfriend in every other sentence when I have to talk to them. But most of those guys usually just hung around for a little while and then got sick of me. I've never had someone really harass me for a long period of time (not since elementary school... Those boys were awful!)


Glad to hear no one new is harassing you

I guess I talk to people for a bit longer, get to know them (what area they live in, why they're at the library, what they're interested in, etc. before I'd give them any personal information). But I don't know if I'd pick up "friends" in a public place like that in the first place? My brother met his 2nd wife at the "pool" and that didn't work, LOL. I have to know I have interests in common before I'll work too hard to make a friend and I don't know that the quiet of the library would allow that to be very possible?

I think I do have this issue, of attracting pushy or agressive men. But I don't do anything about it... Puts me in a bad loop.

Thanks, Roman!Those men who think they are so great or better-looking than they actually are are pathetic! Like a guy with a beer gut wearing a Speedo! Nothing worse than that! Don't they look in the MIRROR?

Funny his playing hard to get wasn't helping him at all, since you didn't want to "get" him anyway! LOL What an idiot!

You're right, those boys in elementary school were awful. Boys don't "grow up" just cause they are men, do they?

Yeah, I'm in that loop, Angel.

I have been so used to attracting excessively aggressive men (and abusive) that when I met my boyfriend, who is extremely laid back, I had no idea how to deal with him. He is also the first man I have been with that is not abusive at all and is incredibly patient...even through my hissy fits