Am I just too young?

I am 20 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for about a year a half. I love him so much, he is always there for me and he knows exactly how to make me laugh. The thing is, when it comes about sex, he wants to do it and I don't. I was raised a hardcore Christian and even though I am no longer hardcore, some morals just stuck with me, one of them being abstinence before marriage. I tell him what I think and he understands and he's supportive and whatnot. He doesn't seem to mind or wait. BUT, I feel like I tell him that as an excuse not to have sex with him (or at all). Not that I don't physically like him, it's just that there's that slight possibility that I'm just not read, or that I just don't like the idea of sex. I've never been interested in it, seeing it on tv or reading/thinking about it grosses me out. I read about how couples should be open about their partners about their sexual needs and desires (and the sex toys, masturbation and positions), and I'm here like "how do people even do that?" It sounds too intimate and embarrassing to talk about with someone else, let alone being naked in front of someone. I can barely see myself naked in the mirror before I shower. And then I think ahead and I picture myself married but then I cry in my room because I become scared that I'm still going to have this mindset and that I won't have another excuse to not have sex.

Also pregnancy. I know I am too young for this, but sometimes I get scared that I really don't want to have kids of my own. My boyfriend is serious about having a future with me and starting a family together but I've had 4-5 dreams about being pregnant and in all of those dreams, I do not like the pregnancy. I want to abort the baby, I don't like the fact that I have someone inside of me, I don't like my stomach getting big, I just don't like anything about it. Thinking about it makes me want to adopt even more. My mom wants grandkids and my grandma wants great grandkids (I'm one of the oldest ones in my family, so I'm able to provide the baby), and I tell them that I'm not having kids "yet", because that's what they want to hear, but in reality, I'm conflicted about ever having sex or having kids of my own.

The girls I went to high school with are already having kids and they seem pretty happy, and I do want to have kids, but I can't even picture myself doing the sex or dealing with the pregnancy, hence why I want to adopt. My boyfriend knows I want to adopt, but I also told him that I want to have my own kids because I don't want to disappoint him or anything. He really wants to have a future with me and he's already being patient about my "abstinence before marriage" boundary. If I tell him what I just wrote is really going to break his heart. Is it just me or am I just too young to think about these things? Or is it something that will eventually go away as I get older?

I do think that as you get older that your needs and desires change. For instance, my entire life I never in my wildest dreams wanted to have sex with a black guy and was really turned off by it! But over the last couple of years it became a huge fantasy of mine which luckily I was able to try out earlier this year and had a great time!

Do you have any girlfriends that you could talk to about this? If not, then it sounds like you might need to see a Therapist to help you sort it out. Truly making love with your partner is an incredible experience and the intimacy it brings can make you feel super close and connected to your BF.

I know it sounds yucky, but it's really not when you get used to it. I'd suggest having him start very slowly by giving you a simple back rub with some baby oil or lotion and having him rub his hands all over your body but staying away from your breasts and genitals. (Keep your underwear on) It can take some time just to get used to having someone touch you. Then when you're feeling more ready, maybe he can run his hands over your thighs or around your stomach getting close to your breasts and genitals to see if you get aroused.

I would absolutely take it slow for a while and just get used to the touching. And of course, you can do the same for him. Just basically explore each other's bodies but not the sex part until you're both ready.

Your BF sounds awesome. Maybe show him this to get the conversation started.

Send me a note some time and let me know how you're doing. Good luck!

Hi! You posted this a few days ago so I don't know if you'll be back, but your post broke my heart so I wanted to chirp in and say that Asexuality is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice. I've known several asexual individuals throughout my life who had normal, happy relationships without ever having sex. If you haven't read much about asexuality, I would encourage you to look into it. I would add that you may want to allow yourself to experience sex once before making that decision (if and only if you get to a point where you want to do so), but if you decide that you just don't have sexual feelings, there's nothing wrong with that. I would add however that it is important to communicate that to your partner. I know it is very difficult to do so, but sex is a very large part of marriage. That decision may change the course of your relationship, which would be very sad, but also for the best if your lifestyles are not going to be compatible in the long run. It's important to be clear about who we are with our partners so that they can also make the best decisions for themselves, as I'm sure you'd want him to do for you if he had to make a lifestyle choice that could potentially be a deal-breaker for you. This may be a bit too much for you to think about this early on in your journey, but I have known asexual individuals who had successful open marriages by allowing their partner to satisfy their sexuality by sleeping with other people while maintaining an asexual emotional relationship between the two of them and living long, happy lives together without sex.

Wishing you the best of luck, love, and healing. <3

You're also only 20. Why so much pressure to decide right here and right now?

How's your career going? Education? Travel? Volunteerism?

I used to be the "never having kids" type, myself. Maybe the abstinence is an excuse, maybe it's not? Maybe it's more about finding yourself now so that when ready you'll have that much more confidence about your choices that you've made in life? And the time spent between now and that future time can be spent preparing yourselves financially. .

Not to worry. Don't let anyone pressure you into having sex. It's your choice. I dated a guy who asked me to have sex with him. (I was older than you and had my standards and values, too.) I refused. We later married and I found out from him that had I given in, he would never had married me!

I'm going to be very straightforward. You sound to me like you're talking about being 20 as if 20 were 14. Twenty is not that young. Your body issues concern me. A lot. I really believe that you need to talk to a therapist about how you feel about yourself, your body, your sexuality and your boyfriend. Something is way 'off.'

Twenty is young in my book. You have plenty of time to find someone who believes in your values--and they do exist. But, I am bothered by your thinking you don't want to have sex at all--even in marriage, xxxyyyzzz? God designed it and blesses it in marriage. It's a special gift between two committed, loving people. And children are a gift from Him. (My take on it. I know some people disagree.)

I agree that you need to talk to someone about your aversion to sex, dear one.

He does believe and respect my values and my boundaries, though. He understands when I tell him that something he does is "too far". But since he does see a future with me, I become afraid that I'm not going to reciprocate in the sexual part of the relationship. I try to picture it and I cannot see myself having sex with anyone (not just him) when I'm married, nor do I see myself pregnant at the moment, however I do see myself with kids and a family of my own. I actually dreamt earlier this week that I had 3 baby boys who were mine, and I was giving them a bath (I didn't want to get rid of them for once). One of them giggled because I was tickling his belly and I was so happy to see him smile because of me. I don't know, I never had a dream like that before. I guess I do have to tell him about it, throw it out there and see what he thinks or where he stands in this whole thing, because I do feel bad for both of us and our relationship.

Sweetie, it's hard to imagine a man wanting to marry a wife who won't have sex with him. Please see someone about this issue. You deserve to have a proper, appropriate, loving marriage, too.

^^^^agree!

Maybe it's that it's tough to imagine something that you've not experienced? Maybe it is all this newer to the psych conversation sexuality aspects?
Maybe because there is so much more to see and do and plan in life that it's difficult to place to the forefront of your mind?

It's hard to not fixate on it when trying to be pleasing about it to a man that professes to want marriage. That's a huge weight on the shoulders to carry around.

It's not really matter of age (you're 20 - a women, so let's leave behind cases where age do matter, being underage).

It's not really a matter of age. That's a personal thing when you feel ready for sex. You can be 20 or you can be 30. If you don't feel like doing it - you should not.

However, as one person above mentioned, you might want to observe yourself because you should be comfortable with your body when looking at yourself.

I'm not asexual myself (quite the opposite, in fact), but I agree so, so much with the above post. I was only going to quote the first few sentences (that I bolded) but read on and found that treevoice made so many excellent points that I had to include the whole thing. I really hope the OP takes the above into consideration.

I also want to say that some people just aren't that into sex, even if they don't meet the actual criteria for asexuality, and that's perfectly okay too. Different people have different libidos and different levels of interest. I won't say that some levels of interest aren't problematic - for instance, people with sex addiction - but on the whole, there's no "right" amount of interest in sex because we're all unique individuals.

And forgive me if I'm crossing a line here, but I'm very concerned with the tone of most of the responses here. For one thing, there are subjective religious beliefs being presented as universal fact. And while they may indeed feel like facts to the people who believe them, not everyone shares those beliefs, and that's why it's really unfair to suggest that this is the only acceptable way for someone to live their life.

Different strokes for different folks, as they say. Pun somewhat intended.

That being said, there's a difference between asexuality - which is considered its own sexual identity and which is basically an intrinsic lack of interest in sex - and a fear of/revulsion toward sex. The latter IS often a cause for concern, especially if it keeps someone from getting what they truly want from life. (It can also be symptomatic of past trauma in some cases, which is best addressed through specialized therapy.) It's worth considering both possibilities.

In any case, I felt compelled to respond to what came across as borderline shaming of the OP for feeling the way she does. Uncommon doesn't always equal abnormal. I don't personally think there's anything "wrong" with her. It's actually refreshing in a way to see a young person asking herself if she's truly ready for sex and putting lots of thought into the matter rather than rushing into it recklessly like so many others do.

xxxyyyzzz, I wish you all the best in your soul searching. If it becomes confusing or overwhelming at any point, talking with a therapist can be very insightful and comforting. Or even if you're just looking for a more experienced perspective on things. Please don't hesitate to do so if you feel it might help.