Motherhood

Motherhood has been one hell of a journey for me. My daughter wasn't planned and was a compete shock. A part of me was devastated. In that point in my I was finally starting out in my career of choice, after many years of working on myself so I was mentally and physically ready for it. I wasn't planning on having children, I wanted to build a career for myself and I figured after the years it would take me to get to where I wanted to be and was able to have children, I would be too old and it would be too late and I was completely ok with that. My career was going to be my baby.

Then to my disbelief I found out I was pregnant. I was with my partner for 11 months. It wasn't a serious relationship what so ever. Needless to say that didn't work out and I was single and pregnant about to become a single parent. I made the choice to keep my daughter believing that I would be a single parent from the start.
My pregnancy wasn't always pleasant, I struggled a lot during those months. Although I had amazing friends and family, I was still alone. I was doing the biggest and scariest thing in my life, all alone.
Usually pregnancies are suppose to be a happy and joyous time. Mine was not, I spent more time crying than I did smiling.

Since having my daughter, I have continued to struggle. At the very beginning it was pretty bad. There were a few weeks there that I've lost. I was so out of it, I was not myself at all. I can't even find the words to explain how I felt, I've never experienced anything like that before.
I had an extremely hard time adjusting to being a mother. I never spent very much time with babies and didn't really have a clue as to what I was doing. I always joked during pregnancy that they would hand me this baby and I would have no idea what to do. Everyone kept insisting and reassuring me that my motherly instincts would kick in and I would know what to do. To a point they were right but not completely, I was so lost and such a mess. I depended on my family and friends so much at that time, I don't think I ever made a sole decision regarding my child, I always got approval from someone else first.

I was always scared that I would have postpartum depression after having a baby because I've dealt with depression my whole life. At the beginning I was in contact with my Dr. and nurses a lot they were aware of what was going on, for the most part. They were very concerned with me as well, I had a nurse call me once a week to check up on me. I would tell them certain things but I would never tell them everything. They told me that they thought I was having postpartum depression but it was too soon to tell at that point and time would tell. From there I stopped telling them as much and as time went on I just dealt with things on my own. I was in complete denial, I didn't want to admit that I was going through mental health **** again. I spent so many years trying to get better and I was at a point in my life where I was able to function and I was happy and for me to just end up back there again was not an option.

I've gained skills in the past and with those I was able to successfully manage a happy and healthy life, with on-going work of course. I thought that I could just use those skills again along with everything else I have learned and I'd be ok. My daughter is 3 years old and I am still not ok.

It's been an uphill battle for from the start. Not only was I accepting and adjusting to motherhood I was dealing with crap with her dad. We were on and off again for a while and things were rough, there was cheating, lies, all kinds of things that played a part in destroying me.

I can say now that we are still together and going strong at this point. That is an uphill battler as well but we both love each other and are doing everything we can to make this work.

I struggle with being a mom, I don't feel like I am a good mom. I feel like my daughter deserves better. I don't feel like I am good enough for her. Everyday I put in effort to be a better mom. Everyday I put in effort to put a smile on her face. I do try, honest, I just don't think it's enough.
I love this little girl so much. I never knew what real love was until she came around. I think part of the problem is that my love for her is so strong that I don't know what to do with it, it scares the **** out of me.

Since having my daughter I've always said I just feel like a different person. My anxiety is on a whole new level now. I've never felt anxiety this intense before. I'm anxious about absolutely everything. I'm so terrified that somethings going to happen to her, or to me, or to the both of us. The thought of losing her or the thought of me leaving her behind completely rules my life and scares the crap out of me.

I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to this and I feel like an awful human being, and mother for the **** that goes on in my head. I feel awful that this is so hard for me. This shouldn't be such a struggle. Motherhood is a blessing and I feel awful that I don't feel blessed all the time.

This turned out to be way longer than I thought.
I never talk about this stuff really, to anybody. It's only been in the last little bit that I've been able to acknowledge it myself and accept that this has been my journey.
I guess I just needed to get it out.

Thanks to whoever took the time to read this.

((((Girl*in*Camo))))

Breathe. There is something out there in motherhood-land referred to as being 'the good enough' mother. Just breathe.

The fact that you even care to let it all out is certainly a sign that you are good enough.
It's a juggling act. The weight of the world does feel like it rests on your shoulders.

I remember a point in motherhood when I took a leap and a financial decision to stay home-daycare for two was impossible on paper at that point in time and soon after, oh look there's three. Well, I remember thinking as I sat between bottles and diapers and mopping and laundry---how Boring. Yes, I thought, how boring. Love them, but bored isn't what comes to mind in having that 'maternal instinct' kick in? I'm delving headfirst into their teen and soon to be teen years, with their moods combined with my occassional melancholy and frustration or woe for not having a support network around me.
Maybe there's something to be said for parenting as a parent well versed in the land of depression and anxiety? Greater empathy and a general sense of self compassion that forms through a depression recovery. Do I worry that perhaps somedays I've not attended to their emotions? In ways that could lead to a sense or reality of growing into adults that had childhood emotional neglect? You bet-cha. But the reality is that I'm a good enough mom, doing the best that I can, and a good enough mom that takes her responsibility to them very seriously.

It's ok to be good enough. Perfection does not exist. And it's not true that every woman just knows what to do by virtue of birthing a child. It takes work and elbow grease. And a willingness to gain knowledge. I personally prefer books and articles to well meaning extended family. If they knew so much then they would get a feel for what could help me as an individual as opposed to what they think is their way, if that makes sense. Three overwhelms most, anyways, especially three so close in age.
Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself.

Hi, I really hope you'll get into therapy with a good therapist who understands you. I think it would benefit both you and your daughter. Best to you.

Your feelings are completely understandable. The mind set you were in with your plans, then having this baby unexpectedly and with no baby daddy in the picture. I'm sure it must have been very tough!

I've raised three boys. I rarely thought about not been 'good enough'. My thoughts about motherhood were it's my job to keep them alive, and teach them to take care of themselves. I didn't stand on my head to do things for them. I taught them everywhere we went.

I'd take them with me to the grocery store, for example, and I'd talk to them, explaining things about everything around us. They learn so much, like little sponges.

I was severely depressed because of my relationship with my h. During this time, I was a mother. I really once told them, "If you see mommy on the floor and you can't wake me up, dial 911".

We played together, watched their TV shows together. I always loved and adored them. That's all they need, really. To have their needs met, to be with you and feel your love.

Mothers worry all the time--it doesn't stop when they are adults . Since you love her so much (you have bonded with her), I am sure you are meeting most of her needs. You are not awful -- it is a 24/7 job and you love her deeply.
Perhaps this study will provide a bit of comfort:
It's nature, not nurture: personality lies in genes, twins study shows - Telegraph
They need our love but they are their own little people. I no longer teach but even under perfect conditions some children are born with learning disabilities, are more stubborn than others, etc--you see it in large families where one child is a handful and the rest are perfect angels. It is good to ask for help from friends and family. It can be helpful to take her to church or join the Y--this could provide you some additional support. Since you truly love her; hopefully, it will all work out. Some of it is out of your hands.
When I taught and at home (I have 2 adult children), the school and my H would always emphasize that it is important to have high expectations for children. However, realistic expections are important too. It is so enjoyable to embrace children as they are though I admit discipline was not my strong suit. Whenever you can, enjoy them while they are young--it does not last long......

Oh gosh hugs to you the first years are wonderful and hard and boring all at once - except most people don't talk about the last few points often.

Being a good enough mum is something many of us struggle with because we want to do everything right for our kids all the time, we want them to have a better time of it than we did quite often too. Accepting that good enough is, well, good enough is half the battle.

I wish I could give you my daughters number. She feels much the same way, her first pregnancy was very hard and she did get post baby blues and she is bipolar.. She just had her second baby but the anxiety she has never decreased. She loves her kids but is anxious all the time. She's a great mother and I think some of that comes from the anxiety, it motivates her to act.

Keep posting here and let this be an outlet for some of the anxiety. Hugs to you and your daughter.

I was in the same boat as you. Unexpected pregnancy, going well in my career. I was undiagnosed then and did some crazy stuff during her growing up years. It wasn't until she was 17 when I was properly diagnosed, and she was a hellion by then.

She's now 20 and talks to me everyday. We still love each other and that's what matters. She now realizes that some of the stuff I pushed her through (like therapy and meds) was for trying to help her. She's now working hard, going to college, and saving up for a place of her own. I can't be more proud of her.