Jealous of other women

Hi, I’m new to these forums. But a current situation has brought me here so I’m hoping somebody can relate. A little background about myself. I am a mom to three beautiful girls. 6,5 and 9 months. I am beyond in love with them. My brother and sister in law just had their first child and it’s a boy. It crushed me. That feeling of never having a boy is heavy on me. On top of that, I just found out that she went into the hospital thinking she might be having the baby and was 10 cm. She had the baby virtually pain free. I had 3 extremely long hard and painful labours. The last one was extremely difficult and perhaps I have a bit of ptsd from it.

I haven’t seen them or the baby yet and I am dreading it. I don’t want to hear about the “I didn’t even know I was having the baby” crap. And “oh it’s the first boy” crap.

I am full out jealous and acting like a baby but wow I haven’t shed this many tears in forever. So not sure what I’m looking for here but I guess I just want some experience with handling this kind of thing. And since I’m done having kids, I feel like every pregnancy I hear from here on out I’m going to die a little inside.

(I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have had 3 babies when so many struggle with 1. It makes me feel even more guilty having these feelings.)

Hello CoolBlue, I am sorry you're having a tough time. First, you don't need to feel guilty because there are no wrong feelings! You're a human! We all have all sorts of complex emotions at times.

If you feel jealous, then you feel jealous. All feelings are temporary...this jealousy will likely pass once you figure out what's driving it and can unpack that trigger. I'm not sure if it's so much about not having a baby boy or an easier labor. I am wondering if you are going through a form of grief about the end of a particular stage in your life...you are no longer becoming pregnant and bringing infants into the world. Perhaps that realization is hitting some deep note within you? About your identity? Your place in the world? I don't know you...just trying to help you troubleshoot some ideas here.

Have you ever spoken with a therapist about these feelings? I think that could be really helpful. It does sound like you are dealing with some form of grief and a sense of loss. Those are tough and intense feelings but feelings can be worked on. And if you are feeling a level of trauma since your last labor, therapy could also help you to heal.

As for your discomfort and jealousy around the new mum and dad and their baby...maybe you can try this...if you step outside of your inner struggle for a few moments...try thinking of something you truly love about your brother and sister-in-law....anything at all...a thoughtful gift they gave you once...a fond memory from childhood with your brother...a great sense of humor...when you find something, even something small, focus on that when you go to meet the baby and congratulate them...in your mind just keep thinking about that trait you loved about them long before the baby arrived. That might help you to feel more relaxed or even smile for a little while so it's less awkward and you don't even need to be inwardly smiling about the baby if you see what I mean. If it's too painful for you, you have a right to take time away. That's going to be up to you.

Peace to you. I believe this is something you can work through.

Thank you so much for the understanding reply. You have completely hit the nail on the head. I am grieving. Yes I do feel a loss about not having a boy. I am feeling traumatized by my labour/delivery. There’s many different factors that I feel sad about. I think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel like my purpose as a woman has ended. I’m done having kids so now what? Anyone can be a parent, and probably a better parent than I’m being right now. That joy and excitement of getting married, starting a family, etc is over. I have to go back to work in a couple months and it feels like a death sentence. Ugh. My perspective on life is so messed up right now. It’s hard to stay positive. Like I said it helps to hear from others who have been or are going through the same issues.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel like my purpose as a woman has ended. I’m done having kids so now what?

Oh CoolBlue, that sounds heart-breaking! I am so sorry you feel that way. However, it is an important realization that you know exactly why you are feeling so badly...that's your first step toward healing.

Feeling purposeless in life would be scary for anyone. But I have a hunch that if you make finding a new purpose your goal, you will start to feel better. Whatever that purpose may be. Something unique for each individual. Perhaps a couple of thought exercises could help. Think of a woman you truly admire...or even a few women. They could be people you actually know in your life or appreciate from a distance like a celebrity. Think about why you admire that woman and make a list. Is that woman a mother? If so, was her role as a mother the only thing you wrote on the list? If she's not a mother, what did you write?

Or...think of who you were before your babies....what were you like then....what did you enjoy? What did you value? Try making a list. Reflect on some happy pre-motherhood memories...write them down.

Think of the greatest compliments you've received over the course of your life thus far. Write them down. See any patterns or values linked to those compliments...not necessarily related to motherhood?

Sometimes I think pain (physical or emotional) can be a message from mind or spirit that we need to change something in order to regain inner balance. Perhaps your current grief is a form of communication from your deeper self that you need to explore and develop other aspects of your identity?

I continue to wish you peace, enlightenment, and healing. Here's a big, safe for you.

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Originally Posted by Coolblue222 Thank you so much for the understanding reply. You have completely hit the nail on the head. I am grieving. Yes I do feel a loss about not having a boy. I am feeling traumatized by my labour/delivery. There’s many different factors that I feel sad about. I think the thing that scares me the most is that I feel like my purpose as a woman has ended. I’m done having kids so now what? Anyone can be a parent, and probably a better parent than I’m being right now. That joy and excitement of getting married, starting a family, etc is over. I have to go back to work in a couple months and it feels like a death sentence. Ugh. My perspective on life is so messed up right now. It’s hard to stay positive. Like I said it helps to hear from others who have been or are going through the same issues.

I can identify with feeling that your purpose has ended. My youngest is now 15 and two years ago I started skipping periods. But before I realized it was just me getting older (I just turned 44) I thought I was pregnant. At first I was so scared thinking I was too old for a baby and then I warmed to the idea. Imagine my sadness when my period did come. I am over that though because my tolerance for little kids as gone down. I am not a grandma yet so I am in that snotty phase of " I raised my kids right why can't you raise yours right?" As if little kids can help being little kids. My kids are 23/19/15 and the challenges I have had to face as they have gotten older have trumped the little kid phase. So much has happened and they seem to need me just as much but in different ways. As far as being jealous, I am not a jealous person but every now and then a little twinge comes over me about my SIL. My MIL seems to favor her even though I was first, and she seems to have everything figured out. She doesnt have a mental illness so her ***** is always organized, clean and she is on top of things. Her oldest plays a zillion sports and her twins are like super toddlers. I just wish I had gotten it together when the kids were younger but oh well. Usually when these feelings come up I must look inward. I need to see how my self care has been and whether or not I have connected with my husband emotionally. I go to AA meetings so I check myself there too. Its always what is going on inward that causes outward jealousy.

Assuming that you love your family (your brother, his wife, and your nephew), are you still happy for them (although not for yourself)?

I don't think it's unhealthy to be envious as long as you do not resent the people (or the happiness of the people) you are envious of.

Good point Ennie - you make me realise that being a bit envious of people who have what I would like to have is pretty standard human behaviour.

I like what Sarahsweets says about checking out her connection to husband and her self-care when she gets pulled too far into looking over the fence to see what is greener on the other side.

Life seems to be a constant struggle to listen to my feelings enough to connect with myself, but not to let negative feelings suck all the good, hopeful stuff out of my mind (wry smile).

Those are some pretty heavy feelings. Sounds like knowing about the joy of others during a time of not feeling joy is nagging at you. Have you been screened for post parthum depression? It can happen to anyone and it happens to many. Depression has a way about it that is just simply miserable to go through.

Sounds like your labor experiences were risky? Was the tube tieing something you desired to begin with or was it due to difficult labor or the power of suggestion by your obstetrician?

Going back to work, also seems to weigh heavy. Is there a chance that your family could manage on a single income? Is the job that you are returning to something you can juggle the demands of three and find time management to not over exhaust yourself?

So sorry you are feeling jealous and waging an internal battle. Sending you my support

hugs

Hugs.

Everything is relative. Hard and long labor is something many women would pray for because they can’t have that at all. I only have one kid but I always wanted more. But others have none, so I just count my blessings. Everyone has their own path in life. Just enjoy yours. I personally alwars think that feeling envious of others puts people in a victim mode. And I refuse to be a victim.

Enjoy your motherhood! Three daughters is just awesome. But of course your hands are full. Make sure you have some time for yourself too

Thank you all for your replies. I imagine I have some level of postpartum depression. I’m managing ok. We have not met the baby yet as he is 4 hours away but they are supposed to be coming up next weekend. I have this internal feeling like I do not want to face any of them because of my emotions.

I’m having a hard time being happy for anyone. My other in laws are moving and will be purchasing a nice big house. I have neighbours who will be building and I’m jealous that they may have a nice big elaborate house. We just built a couple years ago. I mean how awesome is my life? I have everything I wanted and more. I should be very blessed. But I take my feelings and it’s so negative towards others. What am I missing that is causing me such greed?

Again thank you all. I’m sorry if I sound like an unselfish person. I do have guilt because of my feelings.

Would you consider talking to a therapist?

Hello CoolBlue. Thank you for sharing your update with us. No need to apologize. Your feelings are your feelings...you are okay. You are - not - greedy. And you are - not - selfish. You are a person who is struggling right now. It sounds like you are grappling with a self-esteem issue. You mentioned possible postpartum depression. Depression can do a number on our sense of self. But it is reversible...you will feel better with the right approach and support. I think you might not compare yourself/your lifestyle with others to the same degree if you start to feel more accepting of yourself. Underneath it all, I don't think you are really being negative about others; I think you are projecting negative feelings about yourself onto others, if you see what I mean. That could be worth exploring. I am so sorry that you are in pain. I also wonder if this struggle is an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your personal needs and wishes? Does that resonate at all or sounds way off?

I continue to wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it. Try telling yourself positive things each day...say them aloud and write them down...whether you feel that way or not...see what happens.

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've read through your thread... it's been a few days since reading, so please forgive me if I am inaccurate about any details you shared.

I think it's easy to feel envious of others when somewhere deep inside, we feel a sense of lacking in our own lives. You talked about lacking purpose (I believe) since your babies were born and since you won't be having any more babies. And about having some post-partum depression.

I am not a mother myself, so I am speaking simply from having watched others and from life experience, but from my viewpoint, your purpose does not end here. You have many years ahead -- a lifetime ahead -- of being a mother to your children -- and to build new dreams for yourself.

I think you also mentioned about now needing to return to work? That can be quite a drastic change after childbirth, I would imagine.

Feeling like you have a life purpose is a deeply distressing notion to so many people. What is our purpose? Why are we here and what are we here to accomplish? When we see others accomplishing things in their lives, like buying a new home, it can be really hard for many people and disheartening.

Having children is one of the greatest accomplishments of all time, however, and in my opinion. And you've done it!!! I also applaud you for going through such painful and difficult child deliveries each time. I know I couldn't do it myself.... that takes SUCH tremendous courage and strength!!!! AND YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!

I suppose what I am getting at here is: be proud of yourself. You deserve it!

And if you feel some sense of emptiness and lack of purpose now, perhaps now is a great time to do some soul searching about what makes you happiest and will bring feelings of fulfillment and joy?

You are a mom, you will continue to mother, and that's an amazing purpose all by itself! But apart from your children, you are your own person... with dreams, desires, hopes and perhaps some inner-most personal goals.

That being said: I once heard that our life purpose is to live in joy, to give and to love. And for me, that really resonated.

We can find things in life, even the smallest of things, that bring joy on a daily basis -- with children especially -- we give to our children (well, not me but the collective world), we give to others in our lives, and we love people in our lives.

I kind of liked the simplicity of that. To live in joy, to give and to love. And these things have nothing to do with buying homes, working, or finding a career, or anything external from ourselves. It's all internal and what we give to the world of ourselves.

It may not resonate for you, but it did for me, I guess more of on a spiritual level?

And I just realized I wrote a novel! So sorry. I didn't mean to babble so much! This may or may not help you along your journey, but I thought I would share it with you.

And you are definitely not selfish for feeling the way you do!! Wishing you all the best. ((((Hugs)))))

I was wondering the same thing, and was even going to suggest it, if this envy/ resentment pattern is stealing joy from your life.

Again i appreciate each and every one of your responses. I do believe I have a level of postpartum depression. I will be starting back at work very casually in a couple weeks building up to almost full time in the fall. I think this will be good for me.

An update regarding meeting my nephew is pretty positive I would say. I met him this past weekend. Instead of dreading the visit, myself and my older girls made a diaper cake for them and they seemed to really like it. There were all kinds of “finally someone made a boy” comments and they cut deep but I was able to shrug them off.

My mood definitely depends on the day. I’m not sure what makes it worse or better.