"You've failed yourself as a female because..."

"I don't like the pressure that people put on me, on women - that you've failed yourself as a female because you haven't procreated. I don't think it's fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn't mean you aren't mothering - dogs, friends, friends' children."

- Jennifer Aniston

Well said Ms. Aniston!

"When we found out that getting pregnant was going to be difficult to impossible, it really was a choice to stop. I feel like I wanted families, couples to know that it was a valid choice not to get on this crazy merry-go-round of IVF and tens of thousands of dollars...I wanted people to feel - men and women - it's okay to say 'I love my marriage, I love my life, I choose not to have children.'"

- Aisha Tyler

I wanted to share two women's truths. Truths which don't often get expressed or validated in today's world. May all women find peace as they make the choices which are best for them in their individual lives...whatever those choices may be...regardless of Society's biases and pressures.

Would anyone like to share their truth? Particularly truths that we don't often hear from women in the non-PC world.

I'm not maternal at all and get nervous around kids. Every other women I know coos over them and dotes over other people's children, and I don't feel anything like that, just worry that they are going to notice that I am not reacting in that way. Not saying I don't like kids but every woman I know of my age has kids and it makes topics of conversation uncomfortable.

Having said that, I love dogs and coo over them, and animals in general. Would say I prefer animals to people. But I do feel like a freak because I don't have the maternal instinct, if I do have any it is towards animals.

Thank you for sharing. You are NOT a freak. Jennifer Aniston would probably say you do have a maternal instinct because you mother animals. We need to move away from the "less than" or "weird" notions about women who don't marry or choose not to have children. Dialogue in a safe space helps

Have you ever dealt with this:
"I didn't grow up until I had a baby."
"You can't be a real woman if you don't have children."
"It is selfish to choose not to have children."
"Of course you'll have a baby! How could you not?!"
"You have to get married."
"Why aren't you married?"
"Why don't you have children? Was that a choice or because you can't??"

(I've experienced all of those more times than I could count)

I love children and worked with them for many years but I chose not to have children of my own. I also see nothing wrong with women who aren't comfortable around children. I have a friend like that. She's just not interested. And she LOVES horses. No problem

Yes, have had all these kinds of things said to me. It's very annoying, having to justify being single and childless. Am glad I am not the only one who feels that way around children. Thank you for sharing.

I personally don't feel that pressure myself and I don't have children nor do I plan on it. But I fully understand that other women, perhaps many women, feel pressured or receive pressure from their families or friends even. It's not really fair.

I don't believe it's a failure to not procreate. It's a personal choice and we as women are empowered to make that choice for ourselves. Just as we can choose to be single and unmarried for our whole lives, we can also choose to not procreate.

And Jen Aniston? All the tabloids constantly talk about her possibly having a baby and that having been an important desire of hers. I wonder what the real truth is? It's constantly in the media: Jen's having a baby! lol.

I think that was partly what she was referring to in her quote. The woman is 50 years old, if she really wanted a baby, I think she would have had one by now or adopted. Constantly having stories about it must get old for her. Though she's obviously got good plenty of good things in her life

I am very surprised and happy to hear that you don't get the weird looks or rude comments about not having had children HaveHope. That is wonderful! Thanks for joining the thread.

I am guilty of following Jen Aniston's story, lol. I just wonder because there were real stories online in mags and quotes from friends saying she really wanted a baby. But yes, it must get VERY old for her, I would imagine.

Oh no... no rude looks or comments about not having babies. What I HAVE had though is "why aren't you married yet??!??" Now that's frustrating. I imagine it would be very frustrating regarding not having kids, too.

I suppose many people in this world believe that our life purpose is to get married and have children. If you don't, then what's wrong with you? Something must be wrong, is what many ppl will think.

I have the opposite viewpoint -- do what you want -- and do whatever makes you happiest! People can judge all they want... I don't mind because I am happy. There are many pathways to being happy.

You know what's interesting? My mother told me that the happiest people in this world are single women without children! It's written in some report, based on studies, and published by a major publication. Interesting, eh?

The truth: "Not all children are biological"

You can have "spiritual children" by becoming a godmother or a mentor.

You could also become a single adoptive or foster parent.

The truth #2: "You don't have to be a biological mother to use your motherly instinct"

Think about the volunteer advocate for women who've suffered sexual assault or domestic violence.

They probably do not want a man in the hospital room.

Being a woman and possessing the feminine sensitivity, you can use your motherly instinct to support them. You are not "useless" to society just because you don't have children of your own. In fact, if you don't have children of your own, you have more leeway in your schedule to be there for these women.

I get both! I'm in a relationship but will not marry. And I'm not having children so I get the Qs about my lack of a husband and lack of babies. Yes, many in Society believe that a woman's purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. So those of us who follow our own path are often deemed "deficient" or "confused" or "not real women" or "selfish." It's disheartening. That's why I started the thread. The more open we are with our individual truths, the more likely that people will start to see that there's > 1 way to live as a woman. Honestly, the toughest critics of unmarried women/women who choose not to have children are married women with children. Not all of them obviously but many. One single woman in her 60s has done a lot of research on it. She said that female Singletons often seem to trigger anxiety or resentment among married people just by existing. She even found cases of outright cruelty or aggression toward single women.

The study your mother mentioned is legit. I've heard of that one. Very interesting indeed.

Ted Talk: What no one ever told you about people who are single

YouTube

Yes, I hear you!

I’ve learned over the years to ignore what other ppl say and think especially when it’s negative input about my own choices or life. It’s YOUR life. And that means choosing things that make you happiest.

Unfortunately the unhappiest ppl often are the most judgemental. So let them stew in their own juices! Lol.

Your points are very well made HaveHope. Thank you for contributing.

There's someone on PC with a great signature line. Sorry I don't remember who. Something like:
"Selfishness does not mean living your life as you want to; selfishness is expecting other people to live their lives as you want them to."



And I agree, there's a strong link between misery and judgment. I recently read some really interesting research on how intense loneliness can actually lead people to be more negative and less accepting of others even though they truly wish to have new friends in their life. Though of course I'm not saying that all lonely folks are negative! But that particular trend in the research was interesting because it described one of my siblings very well. The more I tried to help him, the more hurtful he was toward me. So now I peacefully leave him be. Sad though because I know he wants closeness in his life but he's so bitter and rude to people that they don't want to be around him. Sidebar! Oops!

I'm not planning to get married or have children. A cat is enough responsibility for me.

It bugs me when people say I will change my mind when I'm older. I'm 36. I don't have a lot of childbearing years yet. Changing my mind when I'm too old to have children would not be a good thing. To be fair, I look younger than I am, so some people think I am still in my 20s.

Thank you for sharing DownandLonely. I understand. There are two issues you're dealing with there. One is a boundary problem. Unless you are running around asking people what they think about your lack of babies (you're obviously not) then they do not have a right to weigh in on it. Second, the reason they are telling you that you'll change your mind is not because of how young you look, it's because you are female. Some people believe that females must get pregnant. They cannot imagine a woman who doesn't want that so they tell you you will change your mind. Just as they are still making up stories about 50 yr old Jennifer Aniston "desperately wanting children."

To suggest that you will change your mind is both rude and condescending. It's basically like saying: "You don't know your own mind." People do not make comments like that to 36 yr old childless men. Or if they do, it's not often. Men are perceived as more than fathers and husbands....many aspects to their identity. We need to help the world see that women also have many aspects to their identity....so if motherhood and marriage are absent...this is not a problem or a failing...it's just different. No big deal.

Here's one of my favorites:

"But you're so lovely and kind! How could you not be a mother?!"

So, only women who procreate are lovely and kind?

D&L, you might find the Ted Talk I posted above interesting. Presented by a very strong and intelligent single woman. She has been single her whole adult life.

I got told that I was lovely and outgoing so I should be able to find someone (a boyfriend). Truth is I could find someone if I wanted to. But I don't want to. I like my independence.

Fair play to you!

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful contributions and truths. I find this very helpful and supportive. I respect all men and women, married or not, parents or not.