advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 02:15 PM
  #1
Hello ladies of the PC forum.

I am not throwing stones in any way, shape or form because I have had my own self-esteem issues and self-respect issues, especially when it came to some of the men I chose.

But I see several women on here with this issue, particularly with regards to the men they choose to get involved with.

It pains me to see this happening. It pains me that it happened to me, where I allowed my self-esteem and sense of self to be crushed by some man who, in the end, wasn't worthy of my love, heart OR attention in any way.

Please, if a man disrespects you repeatedly, please walk away from him. Please do not try to change him. Please do not hope that he will improve, "see the light" or suddenly respect you because you've said "ouch, that hurts me", or because you've tried to obtain his respect by explaining yourself over and over again, and by defending yourself repeatedly to him.

When you find yourself defending your very character in any way to any man, or if you find yourself defending & fighting for your rights to BASIC human decency, kindness, equality, and RESPECT within a relationship, PLEASE walk away from him. Not just walk, but RUN.

Please do yourself a huge favor and do not hope that he will change for you. He will not. He will treat ANY woman this way, not just YOU. ANYONE.

If I could have told myself this years ago, I could have saved myself from a lot of pain, tears, anguish and personal therapy.

I just hate to see women hurting themselves needlessly. Better to be alone and lonely than in pain and hurting immensely within a relationship.

Love should not hurt. Love should not bruise. Love involves RESPECT and love should be an enhancement to one's life, not a detraction and a derailment.

HUGS to all women on here.


__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Fuzzybear, LadyShadow, Lilwren, Miss P, TishaBuv
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Blknblu, LadyShadow, lightly toasted, Lilwren, Miss P, romantic rose

advertisement
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 02:28 PM
  #2
I’m one of those who hasn’t walked away. It’s most likely my issues at the root of the relationship problem.

I have walked away from plenty of other bad boyfriends. I do have boundaries that were crossed.

In this relationship I blame myself and think a healthier woman could have handled it better without the dysfunction.

My relationship is improving now that I’ve adjusted my attitude.

I’m not a strong independent woman and never was. I’m too scared and don’t want to give up all that I have with him.

Kudos to all who do what is best for them.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Blknblu, Fuzzybear, Have Hope, LadyShadow, lightly toasted, Miss P
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Miss P
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 02:31 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post

In this relationship I blame myself and think a healthier woman could have handled it better without the dysfunction.
Why do you blame yourself? I am sorry that you're in a tough situation.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 03:08 PM
  #4
He’s otherwise a good man. We’re not compatible in one area of the relationship. It’s likely my attachment issue and trauma background that causes my dysfunctional coping with the problem. I know I can’t change him. I need to accept him and be happy with what I have.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 03:35 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
He’s otherwise a good man. We’re not compatible in one area of the relationship. It’s likely my attachment issue and trauma background that causes my dysfunctional coping with the problem. I know I can’t change him. I need to accept him and be happy with what I have.
Is he respectful and does he treat you well? That’s the main concern.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 04:27 PM
  #6
Outside of this issue, yes he does. However... there’s a passive-aggressive dynamic to the dysfunction, lots of gaslighting. It’s hard to describe. My many past posts explain. I don’t want to get myself worked up again.

We’re with a new therapist. Maybe will get to the bottom of this one day.

Time is moving forward though, and we are making the most of life together. I am grateful for what we do have.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 05:46 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Outside of this issue, yes he does. However... there’s a passive-aggressive dynamic to the dysfunction, lots of gaslighting. It’s hard to describe. My many past posts explain. I don’t want to get myself worked up again.

We’re with a new therapist. Maybe will get to the bottom of this one day.

Time is moving forward though, and we are making the most of life together. I am grateful for what we do have.
Hugs. Ok I won’t press you on it. But it does sound toxic. Good you’re working with a therapist. More hugs.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LadyShadow
Wanderer of Distant Stars
 
LadyShadow's Avatar
LadyShadow Learning to Adapt and Grow in a Changing, Challenging World From Behind the Shadows
 
Member Since: May 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA. Originally New York
Posts: 23,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
7,644 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 20, 2019 at 08:36 PM
  #8
I think its wonderful of you to give this advice, but when you're IN a situation like this, it is almost impossible to get out. Self-esteem and Self-Respect come from years of wisdom, and if you don't "walk in those shoes" you will never know how to get out.

I am not attacking your thread, I am just saying that a lot of people, (myself included), don't want to hear things like "walk away" and "run" if they are in that situation. I don't know what it is about it, but it's like we know we are wrong for putting up with a man's bad behavior and don't want to hear the truth. I say that because that's how I felt at a time when I was with a horrible boyfriend.

It's nice of you to create this thread, and I hope it helps women who are going through something bad with a guy.

__________________
Tales of Love, Motivation, and An Interesting Journey - Please Subscribe to my Website on WordPress:
Inspired Odyssey's Path to Wellness and Love
LadyShadow is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Blknblu, Have Hope, lightly toasted
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Have Hope, lightly toasted, sarahsweets
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 21, 2019 at 04:45 AM
  #9
It’s a matter of what we are willing to tolerate. It’s also past experience of every relationship was a bit off, so the expectation that any other future relationship will be any better is doubtful.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 21, 2019 at 07:39 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyShadow View Post
I think its wonderful of you to give this advice, but when you're IN a situation like this, it is almost impossible to get out. Self-esteem and Self-Respect come from years of wisdom, and if you don't "walk in those shoes" you will never know how to get out.

I am not attacking your thread, I am just saying that a lot of people, (myself included), don't want to hear things like "walk away" and "run" if they are in that situation. I don't know what it is about it, but it's like we know we are wrong for putting up with a man's bad behavior and don't want to hear the truth. I say that because that's how I felt at a time when I was with a horrible boyfriend.

It's nice of you to create this thread, and I hope it helps women who are going through something bad with a guy.
Ty! Oh I can appreciate where you’re coming from very much! I know that position myself and have been there a few times. I’ve had ppl tell me the truth and I’ve wanted to turn the other way even though I knew they were right. I’ve had trouble leaving an unhealthy relationship. I know the feeling of not wanting to hear the truth, especially when it doesn’t fit your own vision.

My hope was to help women to feel that they can walk away and to know what they truly deserve. I know how complicated and hard it can be though!!!

I see a few women and I just want to tell them please respect yourself and love yourself more. You deserve SO much. You deserve respect, you deserve true love, you deserve kindness and human decency. We all do. Every single one of us.

Ty for your post! I appreciate your honesty!!

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 21, 2019 at 07:46 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
It’s a matter of what we are willing to tolerate. It’s also past experience of every relationship was a bit off, so the expectation that any other future relationship will be any better is doubtful.
I understand! I understand tolerances and that we each have different thresholds. I also understand patterns and thinking that it can’t improve. But it can. People can break patterns.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 21, 2019 at 08:43 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I understand! I understand tolerances and that we each have different thresholds. I also understand patterns and thinking that it can’t improve. But it can. People can break patterns.
Yes, patterns can be broken. An example would be: I was abused as a child/teen by my father and grew up with an unhealthy relationship and view of men. Once I started dating in my teen years I picked guys that treated me like crap, objectified me and abused me because its what I was used to. I met my husband when I was 18 and got together with him that spring but when I met him I was in an abusive relationship and was not looking for a new relationship. When we got together I tried sabotaging the relationship and pushing him away to see if he would stay. A therapist told me that i would know when a relationship was good for me because it would feel so weird, unsettled and abnormal- because I was being treated well, not the usual abuse and chaos of my regular bad choices. I do believe the cycles can be broken and your "fate" can be altered.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
divine1966, Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
divine1966, Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 21, 2019 at 09:18 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post


Yes, patterns can be broken. An example would be: I was abused as a child/teen by my father and grew up with an unhealthy relationship and view of men. Once I started dating in my teen years I picked guys that treated me like crap, objectified me and abused me because its what I was used to. I met my husband when I was 18 and got together with him that spring but when I met him I was in an abusive relationship and was not looking for a new relationship. When we got together I tried sabotaging the relationship and pushing him away to see if he would stay. A therapist told me that i would know when a relationship was good for me because it would feel so weird, unsettled and abnormal- because I was being treated well, not the usual abuse and chaos of my regular bad choices. I do believe the cycles can be broken and your "fate" can be altered.
That’s a great story!! I’m so glad you found someone who cherishes you!

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
sarahsweets
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 26, 2019 at 09:53 PM
  #14
I think one way for a woman to ensure that she can leave bad relationship is to be independent. I was raised that way and raised my daughter that way. Being self sufficient will make it possible to leave with nothing and leave TODAY if need to. Not even 30 days later. Today.

Most women I’ve met who stayed in bad relationships for many years did so because they simply couldn’t afford to be on their own. I understand it’s a choice but for me it’s a very scary choice even if your partner is the most wonderful (he could die or become incapacitated) but it’s even scarier if he is a jerk.

I encourage every woman to reach independence and if it’s too late to teach their daughters to be self sufficient. It will be much much easier to leave if have to or be ok if something happens to a man.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope, Lilwren
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 26, 2019 at 10:00 PM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I think one way for a woman to ensure that she can leave bad relationship is to be independent. I was raised that way and raised my daughter that way. Being self sufficient will make it possible to leave with nothing and leave TODAY if need to. Not even 30 days later. Today.

Most women I’ve met who stayed in bad relationships for many years did so because they simply couldn’t afford to be on their own. I understand it’s a choice but for me it’s a very scary choice even if your partner is the most wonderful (he could die or become incapacitated) but it’s even scarier if he is a jerk.

I encourage every woman to reach independence and if it’s too late to teach their daughters to be self sufficient. It will be much much easier to leave if have to or be ok if something happens to a man.

I agree wholeheartedly! I was raised similarly and have always made sure, or have tried my hardest, to be independent and self-sufficient. It makes it that much easier to be able to walk away from a bad relationship. I've never wanted to be dependent on a man financially or for any reason.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
divine1966
Lilwren
Junior Member
 
Lilwren's Avatar
Lilwren has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 17
3 yr Member
24 hugs
given
Default Sep 18, 2019 at 08:42 PM
  #16
Amen to the OP! If I could do it over I'd never get married and never be dependant on a man.

__________________
The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.
Audrey Hepburn
Lilwren is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 19, 2019 at 07:23 AM
  #17
This is a good and valuable topic to discuss here.

It wasn’t due to lack of money that I didn’t end it. It was because I really do love him and we are a family. Plus, I have never been and am terrified to be completely alone.

Mine is not a situation of him being physically or verbally abusive. It’s insidious emotional abuse in the form of sexual neglect and awkward dysfunction. In the quarter century of me telling him over and over who I am, what I like and need, without ever changing those words, he still doesn’t get me! It’s the same dysfunctional pattern. It puts me into a horrible mood. I eventually pull out of the mood. Rinse. Repeat.

Now, I take some responsibility that I must have a mood disorder. Maybe somehow I contribute to the toxic dance. He definitely plays his role. It’s confusing. Countless therapists have not been helpful.

Thankfully now I am on some anxiety meds that help me with quickly letting go of the anger and moving on with my day without bottoming out like before. I know and accept what this is.

Believe it or not, he and I have a really great friendship outside of the bedroom, and once we do have sex, which somehow we have continuously had over all this time, the actual sex is good. It’s an initiation thing.

So I have a man who says he loves me, acts like a good friend, doesn’t act cruel, just conveniently neglectful of my sexuality. So I accepted it and stayed in the relationship.

Plus, out of all the many, many couples I have known, most all the women tell me, and I witness, that those men are jerks, too. So, what do I think I am going to find to replace him? Do I want to be alone and celibate?

And then there’s the thought that much of this may be my doing somehow because I truly have a disorder. I feel lucky this man chose me and stays with me. I’m sure I’m no picnic for him. He’s got quite a lot going for him and I feel he’s definitely the better ‘catch’ than me! How’s that for self esteem? Lol

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:52 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.