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Question May 13, 2019 at 06:54 PM
  #1
https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs...=.224e77e7c0b3

Don't worry, the author includes many angles on this topic. I found it interesting.
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Default May 13, 2019 at 06:58 PM
  #2
I think if you're more intelligent and educated, you'll weigh your options more carefully rather than just assuming you should have kids.
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Default May 13, 2019 at 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I think if you're more intelligent and educated, you'll weigh your options more carefully rather than just assuming you should have kids.
Thanks for contributing DownandLonely. Let me know if you read the article. A lot of women weigh in with different angles.

With parenting in general, men and women, I think it's like college in the U.S.....most people seem to go for it because they see it as the next step or mandatory in society rather than considering whether it is right for them or not.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 01:51 PM
  #4
Can't access article but I do think most people have kids because they think it's the 'done' thing. I think anyone who cares deeply about the planet or thinks a lot about the state of the world probably is more reluctant to have kids as we are heading towards climate change disaster and the world is not very stable, I can see the far right gaining hold across the globe which is not good news for anyone imo. We are going to have a very dystopian future if we continue as we are and who wants their kids to go through that? But it doesn't take a lot of intelligence to do that, just taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture.

I have never wanted children and I have a degree but whether that is a sign of a high IQ is questionable. Really I am not particularly smart in the great scheme of things, but I can see why not having kids is the intelligent and sensible option.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 09:58 PM
  #5
I think intelligent and not-so intelligent folks have children. Though I do think the motivation has less to do with reflection than instinct or impulse. I've heard one theory that a desire to procreate stems from death-anxiety and a strong need to leave behind part of one's self. From an evolutionary point of view, that seems to make sense.

As for the dystopian ideas, I'll share some more thoughts when I'm not so tired.

Thank you for contributing! All perspectives welcome.
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Default May 17, 2019 at 04:35 AM
  #6
I love the line from a Green Day song, ‘only stupid people are breeding’! TBH, studies like this annoy me. What is their agenda? I have a high IQ. It was taken in third grade and I qualified for Gifted. I wanted children and had them.

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Default May 17, 2019 at 11:08 AM
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I love the line from a Green Day song, ‘only stupid people are breeding’! TBH, studies like this annoy me. What is their agenda? I have a high IQ. It was taken in third grade and I qualified for Gifted. I wanted children and had them.
Did you read the article? It addresses a lot of different ideas about women and biases against women. As they say, don't knock it 'til you've tried it I don't think anyone on the thread, other than me, has read the article. I found it interesting but if others don't, they can certainly skip it. Peace.
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Default May 17, 2019 at 11:19 AM
  #8
I should probably clarify that when researchers say something like "women with a higher IQ are less likely to want children" that is *not the same as saying "wanting children means you have a low IQ" or "only women with a low IQ have babies."

I view this as an exploration of ideas about women and women's differing choices. There is a great deal of prejudice in society against women who opt not to procreate ("selfish"... "not real women" etc) so I am interested in research looking at different aspects of women who do not want children....beyond reductive and false stereotypes.

The article opens with criticism of a different flawed study. It's a balanced article, in my opinion, but it is hard to find the balance without reading it.

Anyone familiar with my posts knows this but I'll emphasize: I support all women's choices, babies and no babies. I enjoy exchanging ideas; particularly ideas about women's different choices in life.

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Default May 17, 2019 at 03:11 PM
  #9
If I had had kids just for the sake of it, because society wanted me to, I don't think that would have been fair on the child. I might even have resented them. You have to want to be a mum to be a good one I think. As I am not maternal (am towards animals, funnily enough) I don't think it was selfish, I think it was fair. If people think that women who don't have kids are 'not really women' then perhaps they have low IQs because they obviously haven't thought it through properly. And with the planet as it is it is anything but selfish to not want more people to suffer.

In this day and age it probably is the smart thing to do to not have kids, with the way things are.
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Default May 17, 2019 at 05:36 PM
  #10
Interesting view points from everyone! I don't actually agree with the idea that the world is becoming worse and worse than ever before. I think objective research from all over the world does not suggest that. Some things have gotten much better. And yes, there are some major and very serious problems in our world. We aren't perfect as humans therefore our world is far from perfect. But I like to look for the light and the love too.

I think I can understand both perspectives: those who want children and those who don't. I only take issue with some parents for two reasons:

- when they suggest that non-parents are "less than" them (we aren't, nor are we "better than" parents)

- when they neglect and/or abuse their children

I'll admit to you folks here that I have often wished that my own parents had never had children. They had a large family despite being completely unprepared or capable of healthy parenting. Not only do I see the long-term harm this caused myself and my siblings....I also have to watch the same effects on my siblings' children.....history often repeats and repeats and the cycle continues. Sometimes, in my family, it's like watching a multiple car pile-up...you want to look away but can't out of shock and confusion and there's also nothing you can do to "fix" or "reverse" it.

That is one (though not the only) reason I opted not to have a baby: to end the cycle or at least my part of it. I have no idea if I would have been a good parent. My friends and partner are convinced I would have but who knows?
The fear that I would parent the way my mother and father did...that I could potentially add misery and lasting anguish to a whole new generation...was enough to make me think more than twice.
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Default May 19, 2019 at 06:23 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Did you read the article? It addresses a lot of different ideas about women and biases against women. As they say, don't knock it 'til you've tried it I don't think anyone on the thread, other than me, has read the article. I found it interesting but if others don't, they can certainly skip it. Peace.
Yes, I read it. I don’t judge others for having or not having, working or not working.

My childhood best friend told me she didn’t want to ever have children. I was really surprised, had never heard anyone say that before. We were born in the 60’s. She said she didn’t want them and knew she was ‘too selfish’ (her words). I kind of thought at the time that she would later change her mind, but she never did. Good for her for knowing herself and being confident enough to do what she wanted.

I always imagined myself having children. Yes, I thought it was just something you do. But I really wanted to have them.

And I agree with the pressures from society hindering us from easily having it all. It’s true, something has to give for women. I know that now there are more stay at home dads while the moms work.

I chose to be available for my kids and not pursue career. I was blessed to have the luxury of a husband who could support us.

He couldn’t attend their shows during work days. But I was always there.

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Default May 20, 2019 at 03:31 AM
  #12
I don't see why not having kids is selfish at all, men are not seen as selfish for not wanting them. If I had been a mum it would have been a disaster, always knew I was not cut out for it. It would have been worse for me to have kids just because others thought I should, and harm them by neglecting them.
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Default May 20, 2019 at 01:32 PM
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I don't see why not having kids is selfish at all, men are not seen as selfish for not wanting them. If I had been a mum it would have been a disaster, always knew I was not cut out for it. It would have been worse for me to have kids just because others thought I should, and harm them by neglecting them.
Your points are well made Romantic Rose. I think when there's an odd and illogical notion in society which seems to spread and get presented as a norm or fact ("women who opt not to have children are selfish") it is worth exploring where the idea is coming from. A lot of what happens in our world is driven by money, right? Commercialism and materialism are real and strong forces. Who can you sell more products and services to: a woman who plans to marry and have four children or a woman who remains single and does not have any children? Woman A can be a sales target for: expensive engagement ring, wedding ring, bridal shower, huge cost of a lavish wedding, honeymoon trip, mortgage, cost of filling a house with furniture, pregnancy planning software or fertility treatment (IVF Market Size Worth predicted to be $36.2 Billion by 2026) pre-natal care, delivery cost (x4), baby shower, "babymoon" trip, baby products and clothes etc etc

Now come up with a marketable list for woman B - there's no wedding and no babies.....that knocks an awful lot of things off the list, right? Have you noticed that in general in society it's considered "weird" or "wrong" to be single for life.....as of 2013 the wedding industry was worth $53 billion in the United States. For PC friends in the U.K, the average cost of a UK wedding in 2018 was £30,355 – up 12 per cent from 2017. Money, money, money....it's so funny in a rich man's world

So that's the large scale pressure....to me it's all about selling people things.

On a personal, individual level.....humans tend to denigrate lifestyles which are different from theirs. So some men and women who marry and procreate can be quite disparaging of those who don't. As a species we are still quite black-and-white thinkers.

And that's just one example. New mothers get judged for everything. I mean EVERYTHING! I listen to their stories. I was reading that it is still considered socially acceptable to shame mama bears who don't breastfeed their babies. And that has nothing to do with selling things because obviously breastfeeding costs $0 but that doesn't mean it's the right or easy option for every mama bear. This even happens with some nurses and docs. Not to mention the women on social media judging every other woman's choices.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 12:05 AM
  #14
Breastfeeding is a pendulum swung a tad too far - nurses and doctors in the past received money from formula companies and promoted formula feeding. To the extent this is not happening anymore, it is a very good thing. One does wish for some happy medium whereby formula would not be promoted, efforts of new mothers to breastfeed would not be discouraged or undermined, but at the same time women who would not or could not breastfeed would not be shamed, made feel less of, etc., but finding such a happy medium is very difficult. Taken out of historical context of prior generations of American (and British) women not breastfeeding at all, it may seem that the society is obsessed with breastfeeding, but in the actual context and all in all, it is not the worst obsession. Plus, breastfeeding promotes women's health and not just babies' health.

As for selling products, you can sell travel, haute couture and what not to single women. Some child-free advocates specifically cite the ability to travel as their reason not to have children.

I support child-free people as I think that people should only have children when they really want to.

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Default May 23, 2019 at 01:12 AM
  #15
"As for selling products, you can sell travel, haute couture and what not to single women."

I know plenty of parents who travel with young children or later when they're a bit older. Travel is not specifically marketed to single women. Haute couture?? I am a single women and have never bought such clothes and likely never will. They are marketed to extremely wealthy folks....with and without children.

I don't think we can realistically compare travel and elitist clothing markets to the multi-billion dollar markets of the wedding industry and IVF specifically marketed to young women. It's not coincidence that even in 2019, with so much progress since the darkest days, girls and young women are still raised with the notion that being unmarried or childless is somehow wrong or deficient. This particular nonsense is not pushed on boys and men.....little boys don't grow up dreaming of lavish white weddings or four or five babies. In reality, it's the women who often talk the men into these choices. Advertisers know what's going on.

Our spirits are being split from us by the messages that buying and owning things (including weddings and IVF among other things) will bring us true happiness and peace. There is a great deal of research on these phenomena from physicians and psychologists. This affects boys and men too of course. I focused on the "selfish single women" myth as one example of ridiculousness that most women around me in the offline world don't seem to be tuning into....and are in fact contributing to by not checking their own pettiness. A very intelligent single woman in her 50s has given some excellent Ted Talks on the aggression she has researched from married parents toward Singletons. It's going to be particularly hard for individuals to check their own personal biases when an entire society is pushing weddings and IVF as the only true course in life for women.

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Default May 23, 2019 at 01:35 AM
  #16
Speaking of women and IQ....apparently women need entire marketing campaigns to warn them not to drink during pregnancy. Supposedly pregnant women in general must be stupid....FAS couldn't possibly have anything to do with chemical dependence on alcohol during pregnancy which is a separate issue entirely....and also won't be helped by simply telling people not to do it. If men could carry babies, there'd be no posters and campaigns telling them not to drink because men are considered capable of making their own autonomous choices in life. Whereas women supposedly need entire ad campaigns in order to care for their growing fetuses. Low to moderate drinking does not actually cause FAS or FAE. High levels of alcohol do.

Ted Talk: The lies we tell pregnant women, Sofia Jawed-Wessel
YouTube

One of my grad school profs said she was rebuked by a stranger in a bar during her pregnancy. She was actually sipping orange juice at the time out with a few friends who wanted to watch a football match on the big screen....but a noble citizen shouted at her and told her she was going to produce a brain-damaged child. Charming.

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